Expert: Rebos - 9/12/2006

Question

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Followup To

Question -
I have a close friend of mine that lives in another state. I talk to him everyday. I am one of his confiedants.
Here is the story and I will try to be as brief about it as possible.
He has been married for around 10 years. His wife is a hardcore alcholic. She has been to rehab in his state , Ohio and she also went to rehab in Florida. While she was in Ohio she got caught for drinking and was kicked out. Then she freaked out one day and went on "the run" as I call it. She was heading to Florida . She was heading to this destination due to a friend , past ex boyfriend and the God Father of her child. She ended up turning around and returning back home to Ohio. She then ended up flying to Florida and going to a rehab there. Talked to her husband when she was allowed to make her calls.When she was realeased she asked her husband if she could stay a couple of days over to reciever her 30 day chip. It sounded sincere. But it wasn't . She drank and now has continued to drink. He has given up all hope. He has given up on her . It is hard for me to hear all of this on the phone knowing really that there is nothing I can do. He won't go to Alanon. He doesn't want to hear other peoples stuff and in his mind, they are all different stories that will not help him. I hear how all she does is sleep and drink and does nothing. She is getting money somewhere. It is a mystery because he has made it so she can't get into any of their bank accounts. Kicking her out really isn't an option. A couple of reasons why. One is she is on the deed to the house. The other is, there is a son of 16 years in the house. As much as he doesn't want to be around his mother, he doesn't want to see her on the streets. His biological dad is a drug addict and in and out of jail. So he is of no value to the equation. BEsides , my friend has been rasing her son as his own. He has sought out legal advice. Even if she were to sign the divorce papers , getting her to court would be a challenge. I come from alcholic background myself and I do not drink anymore and I also have been dealing with my sister getting herself sober. Got her into a wonderful place called the Ashland House in Laguna Hills and I am trying to get him to get her out there. He has mentioned it to her, but nothing. She is telling one lie after another. He doesn't want to even talk to her because he says it does no good. I am afraid for her life. I am afraid she is going to die. He has given up and I don't blame him. He knows that if she doesn't help herself there is nothing he can do. She just stays home, drinks, sleeps and gets more booze. So her son is going to witness a terrible thing with his mother and he is stuck. Any suggestions?
Thank you, from
A friend who loves her friend in Ohio and who is so concerned .

Answer -
Good morning Vanessa:

Thank you for your question.

Concerning your friend’s wife, God Himself will not knock a drink out of a drunk’s hand, if the drunk wants to drink bad enough. She is the epitome of self will running riot. Don’t ever be surprised what an alcoholic will do. She is an addict and that’s what addicts do. They lie, they steal, they cheat…they will do anything to protect their right to drink. Since your friend went to an attorney, apparently Ohio does not have court ordered incarceration for an alcoholic’s self protection, or he did not cover that question with the attorney. You may want to mention that to him if he did not seek that type of advice.

Since your friend, who happens to be a classic “enabler,” and refuses to go to Al-Anon there is little that YOU can do for him. It may be that his false pride and fear is getting in the way of his recovery. It seems that he has given up all hope of having a sober wife. Either that or just maybe…he is so used to the pain that he is going through that he embraces it? I have known of cases that a martyr complex sets in, and the martyr sort of enjoys being able to have the “poor me’s”.

In a way your friend is making YOU a victim of his wife’s alcoholism, and maybe you should consider going to Al-Anon to learn how to detach from the situation that you have been put in…with love. You have to detach your self from the problem because you have absolutely no control of the situation.

Both you and your friend are adults and what you do is your business however; the one that I really feel sorry for is the 16 year old boy that has no say in the matter of his mother’s problem. Even though your friend is stubborn why should he not think of the boy! The boy can either go to Al-Ateen alone or maybe his father will bend a bit and take him to an Al-Anon meeting.

I know that I haven’t solved your problem, (no 3rd party can) but I hope that I have given you some information that may help you personally. Feel free to contact me again. Thank you Rebos

First off, I want to thank you very much for taking the time to read my concerns. I wasn't going to reply, but there is a naggin part of me that feels I need to.
I need to address some things. Due to me trying to keep the length of the email short, I didn't mention some things.
First thing I am addressing is the legality part of it. He is working on all that. He is now taking action because she just got back from the second rehab a couple of weeks ago and really knows that God Himself will not knock a drink out of a drunk’s hand, if the drunk wants to drink bad enough. As you know it is a process that people go through. So he is going through the process .
I must also address the issue of Alanon. He has gone to several meetings and he has also attended all the meetings that were required with her first rehab establishment. The son also went to those as well. When I mentioned he will not go, I should of been more clear. He has gone and after several meetings, I guess for him he doesn't see the value at this point. (this is how I see it through my eyes)
As far as embracing the pain. I don't think that is the case. When this first started ,and him realizing the severity of the problem, no doubt he was in some denial. That is no longer the case. He is fully aware of everything and that it is up to her.
He is not making me the victim. I am doing it myself. When this first came about , he didn't tell anyone! He was trying to handle this all on his own. Well that is now not the case. So I have to take the responsibility for this part of it. IT is my chosing to be in it and yes I need to step back. However how does a person knowing that another person is going to die and just sit back and do nothing? I DO REALIZE THAT I CAN NOT DO ANYTHING. I do not even know this women. I know him. I know what he is going through and the part that is motivating me to stay connected is , when the time comes I am afraid that he could lose it. I am doing the best I can to be supportive. I will have to step back and I will look into me going to Alanon.  
My challenge is that I am very persistant and am always trying to find answers. IT doesn't matter what the ailment is. It could be that she is dying from cancer and I would be trying to find answers. But , yes I do know if she was dying from cancer and did not want help there again , nothing I can do. So I have to take responsibilty for me being involved. HE didn't make me the victim. I am doing it to myself.
And as far as the boy .. HE has asked him , consulted him in regards to his wishes regarding watching his mother do what she is doing to herself. He trys to keep him active in sports and school so he is not witnessing this all the time.  IT is the boys wishes not to throw her out. He doesn't want to see this with his mother but yet he doesn't want her on the streets either. HE is 16 and some kids, well it is hard for them to open up. My friend is doing the best he can to take care of him, and make sure his emotional state is being attended to.

Some of this stems from my own battle I had with alcohol. I was fortunate enough for God to hear my secret prayer "God if I need to slow down, give me a sign" and that day I hit someone while driving on the freeway. Thank God no one was hurt. AS soon as I hit that gal on the freeway I said "Please God if I do not get a DUI I will never drink again". That is all it took for me. That was like 8 years ago. I did go to AA and to another group "Christians with addictions" ,but those groups weren't for me. They aren't for everyone. But I was very fortunate to have that accident because that is what straightened me up!
Also my youngest sister is an alcholic and I just got done with all that. She has been sober and living on her own now for many months. I am smart enough to know that I can not handle any of this. But I care enough to be supportive in somones recovery and that is really what I am trying to do.
thank you for your time and thoughts.  

Answer
Good afternoon Vanessa:

Thank you for your follow-up comments. At least I asked the right questions and or comments that you so kindly responded to.

Yes, I realize that it is difficult to put all that we want to say in a first contact letter, especially so when we are messaging a complete stranger. However, I feel compelled to bring up some added thoughts that I have from your follow-up.

You are correct when you write that self help programs are not for everyone, however you may have not been an alcoholic after all. You may have been just a heavy drinker or somewhere in the process of becoming an alcoholic. Since you went to AA you may remember that there is a difference between a heavy drinker and an alcoholic. The difference is that an alcoholic has a threefold illness which is mental, physical and spiritual. When a problem can be defined as clearly as the founders of AA realized, then for the alcoholic recovery is possible. You will recall that; The “mental” part of the illness is not about the crazy things that drunks do when they drink but, it has to do with the “mental obsession” to drink even before the drink is picked up... a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that an alcoholic must drink, even though they know what the end result will be. The “physical” aspect of the disease is, not that a person is destroying their health, (liver, pancreas, brain damage etc.) but, it is the physical compulsion that sets in after the first drink is downed. The physical compulsion to continue to drink takes over in the form of a deep incessant craving that an alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them or they pass out. The “spiritual” part of the illness (has nothing to do with religion) has to do with the loss of an alcoholic’s values, and a willingness to settle for less and less as their drinking continues. It becomes difficult for an alcoholic to determine the difference between right and wrong or good and bad. The alcoholic develops a change in priorities where drinking becomes more important than health, family, job and friends.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that an alcoholic will eventually have to face up to in order to stop drinking for the long haul. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before an alcoholic will continue to drink again and again no matter how many times they may promise to stop drinking. For any alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, or even switching to “near beer” with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor understands that he or she is dealing with an addicted person. Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! I feel like I am preaching to the choir!

I wish you and your friend the very best. Please know when the time is right for you to back off, and remember that you are powerless over alcohol whether or not you are the one who is drinking it. Thank you Rebos