Expert: Rebos - 3/5/2007

Question
   I have been engaged for a few months and ever since we got together there has been an ongoing problem. We met through a friend and before we started dating we drank together with some friends a few times. I think drinking every once in a while is ok. But drinking to get drunk is not. I told her that her need to get drunk hurts me. She says she is not ready to change that part of her yet. I responded with drinking does not define who you are. We go round and round about drinking and drinking to get "buzzed". I love her and she has cut back, but I know that weather its a drink a week or every day its still the need to get drunk. But she swears she really just does not want to quit and will when she is ready. I thank she is an alcoholic and wonder if there is a way to tell her and not offend her. If she new she might get help.

Answer
Good afternoon Robert:

Thank you for your question. I will try my best to give you the information that you need concerning your girlfriend’s drinking problem. After you read what I have to write then all that you will need is the courage to tell your girlfriend the truth. Why should you be afraid of telling her the truth? First off you will have to ask your self the question, “What are you willing to do to save her life?” I assume that your answer will be “anything”. If it is… then just tell her the truth about how you feel! You have to understand that if drinking causes problems then it is a problem! The fact that you have to ask me the question makes it a very serious problem as to what your future will be like with this woman.

It doesn’t matter how much your girlfriend drinks, what she drinks, who she drinks it with or where she drinks it. What matters is; what does it do to her when she drinks it? If you want her to stop and she does not, then your girlfriend definitely has a drinking problem, and if she does nothing about it you can plan on a lifetime of misery and unhappiness. Alcoholism never gets better on its own…it always gets worse.

I’m sorry to tell you that you are totally powerless over your girlfriend’s drinking, if she does not have a desire to stop drinking. With that being said…For your well being I would recommend that you go to Alanon. You may not be able to do anything about your girlfriend’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic in it. At Alanon you will find out what you can do to help her by first learning to help yourself. Until you are armed with the right information and knowledge of the disease and its implications, your efforts to help her will be for nothing. As you will find out Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. Your girlfriend should never be rewarded for any of her irresponsible actions. She must be held responsible for them. Something must be done to stop her spiral downward. It is very common for an alcoholic to lie about their drinking. They will lie at the drop of a hat to protect their right to drink. That is what alcoholics do! Social drinkers don’t have to hide their bottles, lie about their drinking, or find excuses to continue drinking.

Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, insidious and powerful. It has no cure…once an alcoholic always an alcoholic! So to speak…“once you turn a cucumber into a pickle, you can never change it back to a cucumber”. The good news is that there is recovery from the disease and it is accomplished “just one day at a time.” I’m sure that you have heard that saying before. It has been my experience to have never seen an alcoholic recover on their own willpower for the long haul. No one can scare an alcoholic into stop drinking. All the cajoling, hand-wringing, threatening and begging in the world will not get them to stop doing what they cannot do on their own. Don't for one second think that your girlfriend does not want to stop drinking… she can't stop when left to her own devices. Don't be fooled into thinking that she will stop drinking just because she says that she will. It's not that she will purposely lie to you… but she will lie to herself because down deep she knows that she can’t stop. Unless your girlfriend goes to a program like Alcoholics Anonymous she is destined to die from one of the many complications of drinking alcoholically, get involved negatively with the law or end up in a mental institution plus destroy you in the process.

It is generally believed in AA (which has the best track record for recovery) that alcoholism is a three-fold disease… mental, physical, and spiritual. The “mental part”; deals with the thought that precedes the first drink...thinking about the drink in between the drinks…a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. The “physical part” is that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over and the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them. And last but not least, the “spiritual part” of the illness. Not spiritual in a religious way, but in the loss of values and a willingness to settle for less and less as her drinking continues.

Stopping drinking, for an alcoholic, is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease; the AMA says it is. Drinking alcoholically is a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for your girlfriend to recover. Without your girlfriend learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before an alcoholic must drink again. For an alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing to beer or wine, or even switching to the near beer with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or mind-altering substances (drugs).

Each one of us has a breaking point, especially so when we see a person that we care for destroying their life. It is important to understand that an alcoholic is a very sick person who has a “disease”, BUT YET MUST BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS. It is also important for you to hate the disease and not your girlfriend. Alcoholism is a disease that affects not only the alcoholic, but all those who have the unfortunate experience of having any contact with an alcoholic.

I can’t advise you as what to do, but I will say this…If you allow your girlfriend to continue drinking, without making her pay the consequences then (again I say) you are setting yourself up to living a miserable, unhappy and possibly abusive life. Whatever you do NEVER MAKE ANY THREATS TO HER THAT YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO FOLLOW THRU ON.

Below you will find 12 questions that can be used to determine if your girlfriend may be having a drinking problem. They must be answered truthfully in order for them to be meaningful. The questions are normally directed to the drinker, but if you think you know what your girlfriend’s drinking pattern is you may find them interesting. But remember, she is the only one who can make the decision as to her being an alcoholic or not… enough to want to do anything about it!

1. Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?

2. Do you wish that people would mind their own business about your drinking and stop telling you what to do?

3. Have you ever switched from one drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?

4. Have you ever had an eye-opener upon wakening during the past year?

5. Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?

6. Have you had any problems connected with drinking during the past year?

7. Has your drinking caused trouble at home?

8. Do you ever try to get extra drinks at a party because you do not get enough?

9. Do you tell yourself that you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?

10. Have you missed days at work or school because of drinking?

11. Do you have "blackouts"? A blackout is when you have been drinking there are periods of time that you can't remember.

12. Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink?

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND WERE TO ANSWER YES TO 4 OR MORE QUESTIONS then she is probably in trouble with alcohol.

I don’t know if I have helped you with my answer. Whether or not you end up marrying this woman I would recommend strongly that you go to Alanon. It may eventually help her to do something for herself. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). Whatever you decide give it a chance to work. If you decide to go to AlAnon remember that dirty four letter word TIME. Give it time to work!

If I can be of further help feel free to contact me again. Thank you Rebos