Expert: Rebos - 8/9/2006

Question
I'm not sure if I need help or not. I am 35 and am currently living with my girlfriend of almost 10 months. She is the girl of my dreams.  She means the world to me. I have never been able to be myself around anybody my whole life that makes me as comfortable with words or actions as her. I truly believe that we were meant to be together.  Heres my question.  Is she an alcoholic or am I WAY too sensitive as she says. When we first met...we drank together at times...  I didnt think much of it..  Then I made a trip to the redemption center for her and noticed the HUGE amt of empty bottles. and then I also started to notice that it had to be almost nightly....  It started affecting my life in ways that it shouldnt so I mentioned it to her that I needed to back off because I thought it to be a bit much and it wasnt the life I was after. (Which now makes me feel like a hipocrit) She informed me that she did not have a drinking problem and she was basically going to continue with it whether I joined her or not. She compares herself to the falldown drunks most people talk about. She would drink alone at nights, call me because it brought her down in the dumps.  I actually left her once only to find I couldnt live without her. HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH?  Shes not a fall down, black out, obnoxious drunk. She doesnt have all of the signs or symptoms I just worry about the future. What if it gets worse? My heart is truly torn by all this and she continues to tell me that I need to accept her as she is. She drinks almost a fifth of rum in two days.  She has gone as far as dumping it down the drain if I mention it. Only to have purchased more by the end of a week. Last time I said something her response was, "Now I cant even have the weekends?" I dont understant the hidden message of dumping it down the drain. I thought it meant she was giving it up. Last weekend she actually had asked me to stay at my mothers for the weekend because I have made it known that I will not be around her when she drinks. Does this mean that the alcohol is more important than me? She also has said that she has toned it down for me alot compared to what she used to drink. I really need help with this and no longer know where to turn. She is fully aware of my frustration, and my teetering on the fence with this relationship as it is, and I feel like if I leave I will have let her down and lost the one person in this lifetime that means the most to me.  

Answer
Good afternoon Jeff:

Thank you for your question. The best that I can do is to
tell you the truth about alcoholism.
You may not like my answer to you, but it will be
honest and truthful.

The decision that you make will undoubtedly determine
what the rest of your
will be like! I will make one thing clear
right off the bat...
from your description there is no question
that your girlfriend
IS an alcoholic. The problem is that your are powerless over her stopping.

If your girlfriend does not stop drinking, and you stay
with her, you are
looking at a relationship and the good possibility of
having a lifetime
full of pain and misery. If she does not stop for sure she will get worse.
If you continue to stay you will
become her victim, but never boyfriend, lover or
husband. Drinking
alcoholics take “hostages” they never take partners,
because their
alcoholism does not allow them to have a normal
relationship with another
human being. Alcoholics who are still drinking are
generally self-centered
to the extreme, booze is more important to them than
ANYTHING ELSE. As
much as she may love you her addiction will never allow
you to come first,
booze will always come before you, her health, her
job, her family, and
even her very life. By breaking up with her you may be
doing her a big
favor by helping to raise his “bottom”. In other words
her recognition
that she has lost another thing that was important in
her life. I know of
many cases where the non-drinker of a couple ends up
“joining “ the
drinker as a matter of their own survival. What ever
you do (unless you
are also having a drinking problem) don't join her in
her drinking.

It is very easy for those who are close to an
alcoholic to become
“enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an
alcoholic to continue
drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the
alcoholic's actions and not
holding them accountable for their unacceptable
behavior. If an enabler has no
special knowledge or
training in the field of alcoholism and they try to
help, the alcoholic
can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler
and they continue on
drinking because they know that they will be forgiven
and rescued time and
time again… and again. In a backhanded way you will give
her “permission” to drink by your
continued acceptance of her unacceptable
behavior. What ever you decide to do it
should be based upon
your head talking and not your heart. Don't let your
actions appear to be
allowing her to continue drinking. If you continue on
the road that you
are on you haven't seen anything yet. Alcoholism is a
progressive disease
it only gets worse it never gets better on its own.
The girl of your dreams
will end up being your worst nightmare.

I would make it very clear to her that you do not want
to see or hear from her
again until she does something positive about her
drinking problem…and then
only after she has been sober in a program of recovery
(like AA) for at
least one full year. Never make any threat to her
unless you intend to
follow through with it!

HOWEVER, if for some insane reason you cannot stop
yourself from continuing
your relationship
with her, then it would be wise for you to go to
Alanon meetings. It is the
only way that you will survive the ordeal
of having an alcoholic in your life.
If you
chose to remain in your relationship with her and you
don't attend
meetings you have no one to blame for your situation
but yourself.

Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people
who need help, but
they must be held responsible for their actions! You
may not be able to do
anything about your girlfriend's drinking but you can
do something about
the problem that has developed in your life by having
an alcoholic in it.
Until you are armed with the right kind of
information, knowledge and
implications of the disease, your efforts to help her
will be for nothing.
Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and
everyone who comes
into contact with it. Please go to meetings
it will be your only chance to survive the relationship.

If you don’t already know, it is generally believed,
by many in the field of
alcoholism, that it is a three-fold disease. Mental,
Physical and Spiritual.

The “mental” part of the illness refers to the mental
obsession to drink
that precedes the first drink... a pre-occupation with
thinking about
drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must
drink. The
“physical” aspect of the disease is, that once the
first drink is downed
a physical compulsion takes over in the form of a deep
incessant craving
that the alcoholic must continue to drink until some
outside incident
stops them or they pass out. The “spiritual” part of
the illness (not
spiritual in a religious way) is in the loss of an
alcoholic's values, and
a willingness to settle for less and less as the
drinking continues. It
becomes difficult for the alcoholic to determine the
difference between
right and wrong or good and bad. The alcoholic
develops a change in
priorities where drinking becomes more important than
health, family, job and friends.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower.
Alcoholism is a disease.
Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper
underlying problem
that must be faced up to in order for an alcoholic to
recover. Without
learning what that problem is, trying to stay away
from a drink is known
as "white knuckle sobriety". It isn't very long before
the alcoholic has
to drink again. For the alcoholic there is no such
thing as cutting down,
drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink,
smoking pot or taking
other mind altering drugs or even switching to “near
beer” with 0.05%
alcohol. For the alcoholic nothing will work short of
total and complete
abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or
other mind-altering
substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a
medical doctor's
prescription as long as the doctor understands that he/she
is dealing with an
addicted person. Unfortunately, all alcoholics must
hit their own bottom
before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to
say that hitting a
bottom for some many may mean going as low as a person
can go...plus six
feet! Don't let her take you there with her. Let her
go and get on with
your life. Once again, you may help to save her life
by raising her bottom
even if you are no longer together.

Until she “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing
her problems there
is little you can do for her. No one can scare an
alcoholic into stopping
drinking. Cajoling, hand-wringing, threatening,
begging and even putting
her away against his will, will not get her to stop
doing what she has not
made up her own mind to do. Don't think that she does
not want to stop, she
can't stop when left to her own devices. Also, don't
be lulled into
thinking that she will stop drinking just
because she says that
she will. It's not that she will purposely lie to you…
but she will lie to
herself because down deep she is afraid to stop.
Alcoholism is
powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. An active
alcoholic's choices
become limited to: attending a recovery program like
AA, or entering an
in-patient detoxification clinic that has an after
care outpatient program, then to the AA
program. If she does nothing about stopping then she is
destined to die a
drunk's death, get involved negatively with the law
or end up in a mental
institution. I am sorry to be blunt, but I am only
stating what you
probably already know. Rarely have I seen an alcoholic
stop drinking on
willpower alone. The disease is too powerful.

There is no reason why you
should remain in such a
horrible situation as you are in. Just ask yourself what
you would advise a
friend to do if he came to you and explained the same
situation that you
are going through as his problem. I would bet that you
would tell him to
get away from her ASAP. You were not put
on this earth to allow another person to enslave you
and have to live in
fear and yet do nothing about it.

If you do talk to her you may want to say that
you are
leaving her because
of her drinking. And… that
until she is sober for at least a year or more that you
do not want to hear
from her or have any contact with you. You have to get
on with your life!
God forbid that you have a child with her and then
become tied to her for
the rest of your life and I am sure that she wont
be a good partner
or mother. Alcohol is too important to her

I wish you the very best and I hope that I have not
taken too much liberty
with you in the way I have responded to your question. You seem to
be an intelligent young man
don’t let this woman destroy your life. Get out
while you can, and
concentrate on a someone who can love you, more than booze.

I know that you love her…
but she can’t love you and alcohol at the same time

If I can be of further help please
do not hesitate to
contact me again through Allexperts.  Thank you Rebos.