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Addiction to Alcohol/How to stand my ground with an alcoholic

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Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 6/24/2007


Question
I have been living with an alcoholic man for over 2 years. This is not the first alcoholic relationship I have been in - I seemed to be attracted to them and I think I have finally realized that this is NOT normal. I have managed to end the past 2 relationships but this one is more difficult. The other relationships were with men who became angered or abusive when drinking but this man actually becomes nicer when under the influence. Not that I appreciate this quality but - he is a charmer and seems to know how to manipulate my emotions both while drunk and sober. He doesn't just drink but also uses drugs occasionally. I don't believe he wants to change - we have discussed this from time to time and there are times when he is sober and full of life and fun to be with but it is short lived. He has problems with child support legal issues which only add to his "escape" in to alcohol. I am to the point where I am sick of him but I still get caught up in his charm. I own the home we live in and I am well aware I can and should tell him to leave but something keeps me stuck in this relationship. How do I avoid the manipulation? When I am away from him I am much happier. How to I avoid getting my buttons pushed when I am with him? I will have myself ready to tell him we're through but he will walk through the door charming and happy and usually drunk. There is a fear at that time that if I give him his walking papers he might just get angry. Any suggestions and advice are welcome.  Thanks  -- A

Answer
Greetings to you, Anna.

One of my own past relationships immediately came to mind as I read about your current one ... and I was the alcoholic, of course.  Overall, and in spite of knowing my commitment was very shallow, I really believed I was doing that woman a favor, thereby justifying my taking advantage of her generosity.  She once called me out on a couple of things and essentially pleaded with me to let her know me as a sober and loving man, but at the time I could not bear the thought of facing life alcohol-free.

You have written:

>> I am to the point where I am sick of him but I still get caught up in his charm.

Each of us needs somebody, and the thought/fear of being alone and/or any of a number of other issues can keep us on dead-end streets as well as to cause us to jump onto yet another.  I have a daughter who has had to be rescued from several, and she has finally learned to not go another step without her father walking alongside.  I do not know what good advice or direction might be immediately (as in "close-by") available to you, but I do suggest you never again get involved with any man who is not first accountable to some other man or men whose judgment/discernment you already know you can trust.

>> I own the home we live in and I am well aware I can and should tell him to leave but something keeps me stuck in this relationship. How do I avoid the manipulation?

By accepting advice/direction from some other man or men you know you can trust.  Apart from that, a sometimes-confusing mixture of emotions and natural instincts can be overwhelming for an otherwise-rational mind.

>> How do I avoid getting my buttons pushed when I am with him?

In one sense, you cannot ... just like being in a beauty shop usually results in a new perm or whatever.  Ultimately, the issue here is about either staying off of slippery slopes altogether or only being there for some really good reason while well-equipped to navigate them safely.  For just as long as you either need or want something from him and remain there with expectations, your vulnerabilities will be manipulated by him.

>> I will have myself ready to tell him we're through but he will walk through the door charming and happy and usually drunk. There is a fear at that time that if I give him his walking papers he might just get angry.

You are hoping against hope he will ultimately "come through", but his mere potential is not enough to ever make that actually happen.

>> Any suggestions and advice are welcome.

1) Change the locks on the doors and pack all of his stuff and set it out on the lawn, then have someone else meet him at the door and tell him to turn around.

2) Let me or someone truly knowledgeable help you through the Twelve Steps to learn about instincts, emotions, spiritual principles and so on.  After learning what really makes us tick and our common inability to manage our own lives with success, well, that is the first step away from your so-called "co-dependency".

Please write as much and as often as you like,

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com

Addiction to Alcohol

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Joseph Lee O.

Expertise

Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.

Experience

The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken. Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along. At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ... ... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.

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