Expert: Druideck - 12/16/2007

Question
My husband is an alcoholic.  He of course denies this completely.  It is wrecking our life.  We have been married 8 1/2 years and he has worked for 16 months out of the last 5 years.  We are in foreclosure and even though he does look on the internet every day for jobs (he is capable of a $150K salary) he spends hours each day smoking, watching TV, sleeping and sneaking drinks.  He refuses any sort of help, blames me, hides his vodka, won't even consider marriage counseling which I have asked for, all the classic problems.  I have not worked since we married...quit at his request...I work like a dog around the house though.  He does nothing and I do all the lawn work, house work, cooking, repairing etc and I don't mind that part except that he is watching tv most of the time.  I am afraid to be gone from the house all day working now because I know he would drink all day if I weren't here and I don't have the ability to get a job that will pay our bills.  Recently I found vodka in his closet and told him that if he didn't stop this that I would be looking for a place to go after the first of the year.  Tonight I found another bottle hidden in his car and I am at the end of my rope and I went to a friends house after a big argument when he started yelling at me and calling me all sorts of names.  Is there any hope....should I go home?  I just can't live like this any more.

Answer
Hello,

I am very familiar with your situation as it
is repeated so many times in alcoholic
centered families.
Of course he is irresponsible being an alcoholic.
Drinking is just part of the pattern, with
the other behaviors quite typical.
Bear in mind that no one person or family
has the power to change an alcoholic.
It is hard to hear and understand that
often the alcoholic himself can't change
by his own self-will.
No amount of arguing, threatening, or even caring
is enough to change him. The change must
come from being unable to stand his own behaviour.
The point where he seeks help may not be until
you have left him. Sometimes an ultimatum that
you stick to may make him seek help but don't
count on being able to manipulate an alcoholic,
they are the masters at that game.
Stop fighting with a man that is ill, just do
the things you need to do and get yourself sorted out.
Things may not get better until you start taking
care of yourself first.
Al-Anon has many people in the same situation
and could be a good place for support.
Don't feel bad about him calling you names, that
all comes from his own illness and self-hatred
being projected on to you as blame.
Believe me, he probably has no idea why
his life is falling apart, alcohol makes
people blind to their own problem.