Expert: Rebos - 1/4/2007

Question
Hi there, My boyfriend is an alcoholic and has been for many years, he has had some sort of addiction since his teens heroin, speed, pot and now the socially accepted alcohol. It's now getting quite serious as he is only 28 but his body is starting to give out on him, I worry every night he won't wake up in the morning. He has said to me and himself many times he's going to give up that night and truly means it but come the next day the shakes start and the only thing that makes it better is the alcohol. After trying many times on his own to stop but failing he thinks now although he wants to control his drinking he's not sure if he ever will be able to. He has threatened to leave me as he says he doesn't want to put me through all this crap, he just may drink himself to death one day but then he says he couldn't leave as even though his head tells him its the thing to do he loves me and doesn't want to break up. He says that we love each other surely there is a way ( which is what i also think) but then the demon that is alcohol calls him back every time. He says he's just not strong enough to give it up, he feels he is weak and he has a low self worth, if only he could see how amazing he really is. I know that this is a decision he needs to make on his own as he will never truly beat it unless he is doing it for himself but surely there is something I can do to steer him in the right direction? He refuses to go to AA and has tried psychiatrists for his depression (the reason he drinks by the way) which didn’t do any good. I've been told that I should just get out while I can but I'm not prepared to give up on him. thanks for your time  

Answer
Good afternoon Rebekah, and thank you for your question.

Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling and insidious disease. It is a disease of denial. It’s telling your boyfriend that he doesn’t have it when all the time he knows that he does have alcoholism. Your boyfriend may say that he loves you, but he really loves his alcohol more than he loves you or he would get help, or at least go to AA. If he wants to get sober and stay sober for the long haul (one day at a time) … AA is where he should be whether he wants to go or not! Has he ever thought of going to a detoxification clinic or is his false pride getting in the way? The psychiatrist can’t help him with his depression as long as he continues to drink. ALCOHOL IS A DEPRESSANT and as long as he continues to drink his depression will become deeper and deeper. His addiction to alcohol is an unforgiving mistress. It won’t allow him to love any other human being at the expense of stopping drinking.

In general the action that you take will undoubtedly determine what the rest of your will be like! If your boyfriend does not stop drinking, and you stay with him, you are looking at a relationship and the good possibility of having a lifetime full of pain and misery. If he does not stop for sure he will get worse. If you continue to stay you will become his victim, but never his girlfriend, lover or wife. Drinking alcoholics take “hostages” they never take partners, because their alcoholism does not allow them to have a normal relationship with another human being. Alcoholics who are still drinking are generally self-centered to the extreme, booze is more important to them than ANYTHING ELSE. As much as he may love you when he is sober his addiction will never allow you to come first, booze will always come before you, his health, his job, his family, and even his very life. I know of many cases where the non-drinker of a couple ends up “joining” the drinker as a matter of their own survival. What ever you do (unless you are also having a drinking problem) don’t join him in his drinking, because to be a male alcoholic is bad enough, but to be a female alcoholic is much worse because of the “special” problems that a woman drunk faces. You will become his weak prey that he can do with whatever he wants to.

As far as your boyfriend feeling that he can control his drinking…once a person has to start thinking about controlling their drinking…they have already lost control!

Unfortunately, your boyfriend must hit his own bottom before he will do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some many may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! Don’t let him take you there with him. Until he “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing him problems there is little you can do for him. No one can scare an alcoholic into stopping drinking. Threatening, and begging will not get him to stop doing what he has not made up his own mind to do. Don’t think that he does not want to stop… he can’t stop when left to his own devices. Also, don’t be lulled into thinking that he will stop drinking just because he says that he will. It’s not that he will purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he is afraid to stop.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for an alcoholic to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as “white knuckle sobriety”. It isn’t very long before the alcoholic has to drink again. FOR THE ALCOHOLIC THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CUTTING DOWN, binge or periodic drinking, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, smoking pot or taking other mind altering drugs or even switching to “near beer” with 0.05% alcohol. For the alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor understands that he or she is dealing with an addicted person.

An active alcoholic’s choices become limited to: attending a recovery program like AA, and/or entering an in-patient detoxification clinic then to the AA program. If he does nothing about stopping then he is destined to die a drunk’s death, get involved negatively with the law or end up in a mental institution. I am sorry to be blunt, but I am only stating what you probably already know. Rarely have I seen an alcoholic stop drinking on willpower alone. The disease is too powerful.

God forbid that you have a child with him and then become tied to him for the rest of your life and in the direction he is headed I am sure that he will also end up not being a good provider for his family. Many alcoholics also become unemployable. Get out while you can, and concentrate on someone who can love you, more than love his booze. I know that you love him…HE CAN”T LOVE YOU AND ALCOHOL AT THE SAME TIME

You have to ask yourself the question, “What are you willing to do to save his life?” Do you love him enough to break off your relationship with him to try and shock him into doing something about his drinking? Even if he gets sober and finds someone else after he stays sober. Take him up on his wanting to save you the pain of putting you through a lifetime of misery.

It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. You may already know that an enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic’s actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. If an enabler has no special knowledge about alcoholism and they try to help, the alcoholic can sense the weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued time and time, again. In a backhanded an enabler gives an alcoholic “permission” to drink by their continued acceptance of the alcoholic’s unacceptable behavior. What ever you decide to do it should be based upon your head talking and not your heart. Don’t let your actions appear to be allowing him to continue drinking. Alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. If you haven’t already done so I would make it very clear to him (preferably in a letter… it’s usually safer) that you do not want to hear from him again until he does something positive about his drinking problem…and then only after he has been sober in a program of recovery (like AA) for at least one full year. HOWEVER, YOU SHOULD NEVER MAKE ANY THREAT TO HIM THAT YOU ARE NOT WILLING 100% TO FOLLW THROUGH WITH!

If you decide to stay with your boyfriend please start going to Al-Anon. You should be getting active in Al-Anon by having an Al-Anon sponsor, joining a group, and getting as active in your Al-Anon program as much as you would like to see your boyfriend active in Alcoholics Anonymous. For meeting locations, you can call your local Al-Anon chapter by checking your local phone book under "Alcoholism" or calling the following toll-free numbers: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you choose not to go to Alanon the least you can do is to stop trying to control a situation that is uncontrollable by you, because you are totally powerless over your boyfriend’s drinking.

I am sorry that I may have come down on you so hard, but you are talking about the rest of your life depending on a drunk, that will not do what’s necessary to clean up his act… Not because you want him to, but because he wants to get well and change his life for the better. Once again, please...what ever you do never make any kind of a threat to him that you are not absolutely sure that you will follow through with. If I can be of more help to you feel free to contact me again. Thank you Rebos