Expert: Rebos - 6/27/2006

Question
Thank you for your helpful comments; just one last question then: Where is the line between helping someone through AA and the recovery process, which if I'm not mistaken has a high relapse rate especially in the first 3 months, and abandoning them in their time of need? AA does work for some people when they're ready for it, so I guess my fear is that if I cut off communication with him NOW, is that not being understanding and not "there for him," since he is in the process of trying? I know this will sound like classic codependency but I feel like when he finally believes that I won't talk to him for a while, he's going to spiral downward-- I don't think it'll motivate him to get better, and so I'm afriad this 'call me when you get your life together' thing is going to backfire on me and do more harm than good. I ask this because you said my breaking up with him might HELP him by raising his bottom, and my objective is to help get him to stop. So I guess now it's just a waiting game and taking the chance that it won't make it worse? A year seems IMPOSSIBLY LONG for me, but if there's a chance that would work I would try and do it... I guess I'm wondering what the odds are. Oh and I am going to go to an Al-Anon meeting this Friday.
-------------------------

Followup To
if

If I can be of further help please do not hesitate to
contact me again
through Allexperts.  Thank you Rebos.  

Answer
Good morning Deanna:

Thank you for your follow up question.

I don’t agree with your understanding of the disease of alcoholism. Yes, your boyfriend may take your rebuff as an “excuse” to drink after you break up with him, but so what…all that that would mean that he was not serious about stopping in the first place. If he is the kind of guy that is an “I’ll show her… no one can tell me how to run my life!” Then he wasn’t serious about stopping. No, a year is not too long to see if he is serious. As a matter of fact you may not even like him after he sobers up and changes his attitude toward life in general.

As I told you earlier if you can’t break up with him the least that you can do is to go to Alanon. To me it appears that he is not ready to stop drinking, so you have no choice but to go and get your self and your “enabling” under control. But you must remember that if you go to Alanon that you will be getting better and he will still remain sick until he gets “sick and tired of being sick and tired”.

I wouldn’t knock the recovery statistics of AA. AA is for people who want to get sober and not necessarily those who should get sober. It just so happens that it has the best track record of any other program for the recovery of drunks. Not one thing in this world of ours is perfect especially not him nor you…his recovery will be based upon his desire to have a “gottawanna” attitude. If you are worth anything in his life, then he will give up booze for that reason only, until AA gets him rather than him getting AA. If he doesn’t join a group, go to meetings on a daily basis, get active in the program, work on himself thru the 12 steps of recovery, ask for help when he needs it and gets a sponsor then he will fail over and over again. We are talking about a life long job on his part. It makes no difference of how he gets to AA the point is …why he stays in AA. Right now he has you conned by your love for him. The real question is what are you willing to do to help save his life? Leave him or go to Alanon. The choice is yours!

Thank you again Rebos