Expert: Rebos - 10/12/2007

Question
I'm 24, my boyfriend is 26 and we've been together for almost 4 years, minus a break.  We moved in together 6 months after we met, within a month I found out he was not only an alcoholic but also had a tendency to go on week long pill binges which ended either when he broke a bone or ran out of money.
After waiting way too long (2 years), I finally had enough of the drinking, abuse, personal torment and the pills and I moved out.  
After I left I still stayed in touch with him.  After a couple of weeks of him calling and threatening suicide and such, he finally hit rock bottom when he started drinking for breakfast and all day long, never getting off of the couch.  At that point he started jogging with a friend, got a job, quit the pills and booze and was well on the road to a better life.  Two months after seeing his continuous improvement, I got back together with him and shortly thereafter he moved into my new place with me.
For over a year now, we have been very happy with only the "normal" relationship issues, not issues of lying, drinking, pills, abuse and hurt.  However, about
two months ago things started to change.  Out of the blue he started a fight with me (we hadn't fought since we got back together) and ran off to the bars with some of his friends.  I don't have a problem with that, except that he
didn't come back until the following afternoon.  By the time he came home I was just glad that he was safe, so I didn't say much about our fight, his drinking or him staying out.  That night he started drinking beer nightly again, and after a few days was drinking both the beer and about 4-5 shooters.
Now I'm back to a point where I see where this is going.  Although I firmly believe that drugs are not an issue, he has been lying to me about the drinking and I'm starting to find shooter bottles in weird places (between the towels in
the closet, in his car, under the bed, etc.).  
When I try to talk to him about it he admits that he is an alcoholic, but I know he doesn't UNDERSTAND what that means.  He's just admitting it to tell me what I
want to hear.  
Up until recently I was so sure that our problems were solved.  I've read that an alcoholic has to hit rock bottom to start fixing himself, and I thought that since he's done that, we were ok.  I have always been looking (and waiting) for a relapse, but now that I'm here, faced with it, I'm left completely shocked.  
I know I should kick him out.  I don't have the strength to deal with it if he gets as bad as before again.  Nor do I believe I deserve to go through that.  I know my own worth, and I know that there are other men out there, and so forth.  I've done a lot of growing and have learned how to love myself through our past dramas.  
I am writing to see if, since it is still more towards the beginning of the relapse, if there isn't something that I can do to help him?  Is it already too late?  I will kick him out if I have to, but I do love him very much and
still want to spend my life with him.  But, I won't allow him to take advantage of my love again, either.  Is there anything I can do to make him realize that he's about to lose me again?  Is there a point in waiting or should I just kick him out now?  What should I do here?  
Last week he agreed not to drink for 2 days, a promise he kept.  This makes me think that there is still a lot of hope... he made the commitment not to drink for 2 days and was able to do that, but why can't he do this every day?
Yesterday he brought up the drinking again, said that he hesitates every time before going to the liquor store but can't stay away.. he admitted that it is a constant battle.  I asked him a couple of questions to try to understand more.
I asked "when do you feel most like drinking?"  he didn't know.  "Does it make you feel better?" yes- temporarily.
He said that those two days that he didn't drink he felt so much better and is mad that he couldn't do it more.  
Am I fooling myself in thinking that he could go back to a sober life?  
When he opens up to me about his problems, what should I say?  I feel like I'm on eggshells and there are so many "rules" when it comes to discussing this.  
Thank you for your time.

Answer
Good morning Melanie and thank you for your question.

If you have read any of my previous answers the advice that I have given to others in your position is to strongly recommend Alanon meetings, that is, if you intend to remain in your relationship with an active alcoholic. As a matter of fact even if an alcoholic is in a recovery program like Alcoholics Anonymous I still recommend that the spouse or girlfriend attend Alanon meetings! I assume that you know what Al-Anon is. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone (negatively) that comes into contact with an alcoholic. You can either start YOUR recovery process now – or keep the illness going. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your boyfriend’s drinking is to gain knowledge and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Al-Anon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to not go to Al-Anon the least that you can do is to stop trying to control something that you can’t control.

By the way if your boyfriend is not going to Alcoholics Anonymous then your boyfriend saying that he will stop drinking is not worth anything, because he is not facing up to the root cause of his drinking. Alcoholism is just a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that you boyfriend must resolve within himself or he will not stop drinking. AA is the place where he will find the answer to his drinking. Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. There is an old saying; “that once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again”. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down… drinking only on weekends… changing what they drink… or even switching to “near beer” made with a content of only 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work that is short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor fully "understands" that he or she is dealing with an addicted person.

Until your boyfriend “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing him problems there is little you can do for him. Even those poor unfortunates that are in shelters “admit” that they are having a problem with drinking, (and may even admit that they are alcoholics) but it is their “acceptance” to the point of doing something positive about it, is what counts. No one can scare an alcoholic into stopping drinking. Even putting them away against their will, will not get them to stop doing what they have not made up their own minds to do. Don't think that your boyfriend does not want to stop drinking… he can't stop when left to his own devices. It's not that he purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he is afraid to stop. Alcoholism is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. An alcoholic’s choices become limited to: attending a recovery program like AA, or entering an in-patient detoxification clinic that has an after care outpatient program. I have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking on their willpower alone. The disease is too powerful. What ever you do NEVER make any threat to him that you are not willing to follow through with, because then you will become an enabler! An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of their actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. An enabler may be meeting a need of their own rather that the need of the alcoholic. If an enabler has no special knowledge about alcoholism and they try to help, the alcoholic can sense the weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued again and again. In a backhanded way an enabler is giving the alcoholic “permission” to drink by their continued acceptance of the alcoholic’s unacceptable behavior.

Because alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. Every time you get your boyfriend out of a jam, or in any way allow him to get away with being irresponsible, you are really buying him his next drink. Alcoholics are users! They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They don’t really have family, lovers, wives, husbands, children or friends they have “victims” and they take “hostages” as long as they can get away with it. In the long run enabling your boyfriend will not only destroy him, but also take you with him.


Emotions being what they are will tend to cloud your ability to think rationally, and cause you to see your situation in a distorted way. The level of your emotional pain will be directly related with your need to run the show and control the situation. The more you try to control a situation the deeper your pain will be. It cannot be done alone when your emotions are in charge. It will be natural for you to want to retreat into yourself... so to speak. You must allow those who have the answers for you (Alanon) to help you through it. When you allow others to help you it is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of your strength. There is no reason for you to feel that you have failed at something you have no control over.

I hope that I have helped you with my answer. I wish you the very best and hope that you resolve your present situation. Unfortunately there is no good fairy that will tap your boyfriend on the shoulder and make him “all better”. It will take a lot of hard work. Until he gets tired of being sick and tired there is not too much you can do except to learn all that you can by going to Alanon or breakup with him. Hate the disease not the patient. But don’t be afraid to hurt his feelings by letting him know the TRUTH as to how you feel about his drinking. When you do talk to him “say what you mean…mean what you say…but don’t be mean when you say it”, but (again) remember don’t ever make any threats to him that you are not willing to follow through with.

If I can be of further help please send me a follow-up question. Thank you, Rebos.