Expert: Rebos - 12/21/2007

Question
My husband came home drunk last night.  So drunk that he would not get out of the cab and the cab driver had to help him out.  He stumbled up the steps to the house.  And when
inside passed out in the front hall.  I had to get our two teenage daughters to help me help him to bed.  After we settled him in, we left him.  An hour later I went back into the guest
room where we had left him and found that he had vomited all over himself and was passed out in it.  I cleaned him up, changed the bedding and left him again.  I heard a crash,
went to check on him and found him on the floor, dry heaving on the carpet.  I cleaned that up and got him back into bed.  I spent all night worrying that he was going to choke on
his own vomit and that I would find him dead in the morning.  I hate his drinking and don't understand why he does this to himself.  He is always the one that over drinks the most
at parties.  When he has a real bender (once or twice a year) I get so upset that I find it completely devastating.  I have asked him to stop drinking but he does not see the need to
do this.  He drinks half a bottle of wine almost every night on his own.  His behavior has so turned me off alcohol that I don't want any thing to do with it.  He wants me to drink with
him, go out for happy hour etc, and makes me feel like I am a stick in the mud for not wanting to do it.  It is so upsetting to me, and such a sad thing for our daughters to see.  I feel
like he has turned me into a nag, as I am so conscious of his drinking now that when we are out, I find myself counting his drinks, and asking him to stop.  I know that most people
drink, but his behavior seems to be excessive.  If he does not get blindly drunk every night could he still be an alcoholic, or am I just being a prude?  He has a good job and
supports the family in a very good lifestyle.
I had a father that drank heavily but managed to have a great job and give us a very high standard of living, and I hated my mother for letting him do it, and staying with him.  Now I
fear either I am projecting these fears on my husband, or I have turned into my mother.  I am so sad I don't know what to do.  I promised myself that I would not do what my
mother did.  But it seems like I am.  I have two daughters and do not want them to marry men who drink.....I am so sorry for going on like this, I just need to know if you think
based on the few things that I have told you, that my husband is an alcoholic.  And if he is what should I do?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Answer
Good afternoon Nancy and thank you for your question. From what you described there is no question in my mind… your husband is an alcoholic! It makes no difference how much your husband drinks, who he drinks with, where he drinks or how often he drinks. The important thing is … what does it do to him when he drinks? If his drinking causes problems… then it (drinking alcohol) is a problem. In my opinion you should tell your husband that you will no longer entertain the thought of you going out with him to anyplace that serves alcohol… and tell him the reason why! However, never, never make any threat to him that you are not 100% sure that you will follow thru with your threat.

You, as his wife, and he as an alcoholic are well beyond the point where either you or he has control as to whether he drinks or not! Both you and he are totally powerless over his drinking. One of your primary goals should be to always protect your daughters from the influence that your husband’s drinking will on them. You may say that you remember the  experiences that you had with a father,  who was a drunk, but still you are willing to drag your daughters through the same nightmare that you experienced. That is insanity in itself! Yes, you are your mother! How can you be willing to sacrifice them and they have nothing to say in the matter. The fact that your husband is a good provider means nothing for the price that you and your daughters will have to pay. Your husband should be directed to enter a detoxification clinic for rehabilitation. If he refuses to go to a detox clinic and then faithfully go to a program like Alcoholics Anonymous you haven’t seen the worst part of living with a drunken husband. Your husband may be a good provider now, but his disease may eventually catch up to him where he will become unemployable.

Whether or not you intend to stay married to this man I strongly suggest that you start to attend Alanon meetings. You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic husband in it. At Alanon meetings you will find out what you can do to help your husband, by first learning to help yourself. Until you are armed with the right information about the disease and its implications, your efforts to help him will be for nothing. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to go to Alanon remember that dirty four letter word TIME. Give it time to work.

Your husband should never be rewarded for any of his irresponsible actions. He must be held responsible for them. Something must be done to stop his spiral downward. It is very common for an alcoholic to lie about their drinking. They will usually lie at the drop of a hat to protect their right to drink. That is what alcoholics do. Of course your husband will not want to go to a Detox or AA, because addiction to alcohol is a disease of denial. It tells him that he is okay when his life may be falling apart. Alcoholics are famous for blaming people, places and things for their drinking. It is generally believed (in AA which has the best track record for recovery) that alcoholism is a three-fold disease… mental, physical, and spiritual. The “mental part”; deals with the thought that precedes the first drink... a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. The “physical part” is that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over and the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside force or incident stops them. And last but not least, the “spiritual part” of the illness. Not spiritual in a religious way, but in the loss of values and a willingness to settle for less and less as his drinking continues. Stopping drinking, for an alcoholic, is not a matter of willpower. Drinking alcoholically is a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for your husband to recover. Without your husband learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before he must drink again. For an alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing to beer or wine, or even switching to the near beer with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or mind-altering substances (drugs). The exception is a doctor’s prescription as long as he or she knows that the patient is an addict!

Each one of us has a breaking point, especially so when we see a person that we care for destroying their life. It is important to understand that an alcoholic is a very sick person who has a “disease”, BUT YET, MUST BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS. It is also important for you to hate the disease and not your husband. Alcoholism is a disease that affects not only the alcoholic, but all those who have the unfortunate experience of having any contact with an alcoholic.

I can’t advise you as what to do, but I will say this…If your husband is allowed to continue drinking, doesn’t turn himself in to a detox clinic, and then continue to faithfully go to AA EVERY DAY after his detoxification is over, you are setting yourself up to living a miserable, unhappy and abusive life. Of course there is always the danger that your daughters will have a poor roll-model to learn from. Alcoholism never gets better…it only gets worse. In any case you have to be strong and insist that he does something about stopping drinking. Think carefully before you say anything to him about his stopping drinking. Once again remember it is most important for you to NEVER make any threat to your husband that you are not 100% willing to follow through with!

I feel that you may have become an “enabler”. It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Any “verbal” or physical abuse by him of you should not be tolerated at all. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. If an enabler has no special knowledge (and use that knowledge effectively) about alcoholism and try to help, the alcoholic can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler and continue on drinking because he knows that he will be forgiven again and again. I hope that have not turned into such a person.
Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! The following is what the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism suggests when dealing with an alcoholic.

“Getting an alcoholic into treatment can be a challenging situation. An alcoholic cannot be forced to get help except under certain circumstances, such as when a violent incident results in police being called or following a medical emergency. This doesn't mean, however, that you have to wait for a crisis to make an impact.

Based on clinical experience, many alcoholism treatment specialists recommend the following steps to help an alcoholic accept treatment:

Stop all "rescue missions." Family members and friends often try to protect an alcoholic from the results of their behavior by making excuses to others about their drinking and by getting him out of alcohol-related jams. It is important to stop all such rescue attempts immediately, so that the alcoholic will fully experience the harmful effects of his or her drinking--and thereby become more motivated to stop.

Time your intervention. Plan to talk with the drinker shortly after an alcohol-related problem has occurred--for example, a serious family argument in which drinking played a part or an alcohol-related accident. Also choose a time when he or she is sober, when both of you are in a calm frame of mind, and when you can speak privately.

Be specific. Tell the family member that you are concerned about his or her drinking and want to be supportive in getting help. Back up your concern with examples of the ways in which his or her drinking has caused problems for both of you, including the most recent incident.
State the consequences. Tell the family member that until he or she gets help, you will carry out consequences--not to punish the drinker, but to protect yourself from the harmful effects of the drinking. These may range from refusing to go with the person to any alcohol-related social activities to moving out of the house. Do not make any threats you are not prepared to carry out.
Be ready to help. Gather information in advance about local treatment options. If the person is willing to seek help, call immediately for an appointment with a treatment program counselor. Offer to go with the family member on the first visit to a treatment program and/or AA meeting.
Call on a friend. If the family member still refuses to get help, ask a friend to talk with him or her, using the steps described above. A friend who is a recovering alcoholic may be particularly persuasive, but any caring, nonjudgmental friend may be able to make a difference. The intervention of more than one person, more than one time, is often necessary to persuade an alcoholic person to seek help.
Find strength in numbers. With the help of a professional therapist, some families join with other relatives and friends to confront an alcoholic as a group. While this approach may be effective, it should only be attempted under the guidance of a therapist who is experienced in this kind of group intervention.
Get support. Whether or not the alcoholic family member seeks help, you may benefit from the encouragement and support of other people in your situation. Support groups offered in most communities include Alanon, which holds regular meetings for spouses and other significant adults in an alcoholic's life, and Alateen, for children of alcoholics. These groups help family members understand that they are not responsible for an alcoholic's drinking and that they need to take steps to take care of themselves, regardless of whether the alcoholic family member chooses to get help”. (End of suggestions)
Alanon is where YOU will get better. What you need is to listen to others who are or have been in a similar situation that you are in now and have found an answer to their problem. I guarantee that if you attend Alanon regularly, and work on your self…you will get better. That’s not to say that your husband will get better because you go to Alanon, but you will learn how to detach from his illness with love and learn to hate the disease and not its victim. You have to give Alanon a chance to work for you…there are no quick fixes to your problem. It is your call as to telling your husband that you are going to Alanon because of his drinking.

I don’t want to overburden you with any more details than I have already written. If you have any specific questions feel free to ask me in a follow-up. If you do have an intervention please make sure that it is run by a professional who has experience in running one. Thank you, Rebos