Expert: Rebos - 11/16/2006

Question
About 3 months ago I wrote my husband a letter asking that he stop drinking and smoking pot.  I told him in a non-judgmental way how it was affecting me and our two children and our business.  I gave examples of how the abuse was negatively impacting and affecting his judgment, moods, attitude and our marriage.  After he read the letter he agreed with me that he thought he should cut back.  He said he'd cut back to 1 beer a day.  When I mentioned the pot, he wouldn't agree to stop doing that.  Anyway, he cut back from 8-9 beers a day to 1-2 a day for about a week.  since then we've battled it out at home and argued about his drinking and smoking.  He's back up to 6 beers a day - everyday.  He is actually a more tolerable, fun-loving person when he is drinking and it makes me so miserable to think that we can't be together each night witout him having beer until bedtime.

He does not think he has a drinking problem.  I am very unhappy and am starting to feel like I'm being manipulated.  My question is whether or not he is an alcoholic or just is abusing alcohol and drugs.  There is a difference isn't there?


Answer
Good morning Rose:

Thank you for your question. I will try to help your with your husband drinking and smoking marijuana. And in a way, you answered your own question when you asked, “Whether or not he is an alcoholic or JUST ABUSING ALCOHOL AND DRUGS”? Addiction is an addiction no matter what is being abused! If your husband will not stop (even if your reason for wanting him to stop is a foolish one…which it is not) then he can’t stop, and that is what is called an alcoholic AND a drug addict!

I would recommend that you attend Al-Anon meetings.  If you do not have your local Al-Anon number call toll-free: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If your children are old enough they should also attend with you. If they are teenagers they can go to the Al-Anon sponsored groups called Al-Ateen.

You have to learn and believe that you are totally powerless over your husband’s drinking and drugging. With that being said…If you intend to stay married to an addicted husband for your well being I would strongly recommend that you do go to Alanon. You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking and drugging but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic in it. At Al-Anon you will find out what you can do to help him… by first learning to help yourself. Until you are armed with the right information and knowledge of the disease and its implications, your efforts to help him will be for nothing. Alcoholism and drug addiction is terminal and deadly. It destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. Your husband should never be rewarded for his irresponsible actions. He must be held responsible and accountable for them. Something must be done to stop his spiral downward. It is very common for an alcoholic to lie about their drinking. You can be sure that if he does nothing about his drinking and drugging that your life will get worse as time goes by. The problem becomes compounded because you have children in the picture.

It is generally believed (by those in the field) that addiction is a three-fold disease… mental, physical and spiritual. The “mental part” of the disease deals with the pre-occupation with thinking about his next fix or drink. The “physical part” is that once the first drink or drug is taken a physical compulsion takes over and the addict must continue on until some outside incident stops them. And last but not least, the “spiritual part” of the illness. Not spiritual in a religious way, but in the loss of values, and a willingness to settle for less and less as his addiction continues. Stopping drinking and drugging, for an addict, is not a matter of willpower. Addiction is a disease. Drinking and drugging is a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for your husband to recover. Without your husband learning what that problem is, he is destined to continue on until his health deteriorates beyond being able to be fixed; he dies an early death, gets involved with the law, or becomes unemployable.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism and addiction is considered to be a disease. Drinking alcoholically or taking drugs is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for an addict to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink or a drug is known as “white knuckle sobriety”. It isn’t very long before the alcoholic/drug addict has to drink/drug again. FOR THE ALCOHOLIC THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CUTTING DOWN, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, or even switching to “near beer” with 0.05% alcohol. For the alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor understands that he or she is dealing with an addicted person.

Addiction never gets better…it only gets worse. In any case you have to be strong and insist that he does something about stopping drinking and drugging, BUT whatever you do, don’t make any threats to him that you are not willing to follow through on.

It is said that addiction is a disease of denial, and it is apparent that your husband is in denial about what it is doing to him and his family. Addiction is cunning, baffling, insidious and powerful. It has no cure…once an addict always an alcoholic! So to speak…“once you make a cucumber into a pickle, you can never change it back to a cucumber”. The good news is that there is recovery from the disease and it is accomplished “just one day at a time.” I’m sure that you have heard that saying before. It has been my experience to have never seen an addict recover on their own willpower for the long haul. No one can scare an addict into stopping. All the threatening and begging in the world will not get them to stop doing what they cannot do on their own. Don't for one second think that your husband does not want to stop … he can't stop when left to his own devices. Don't be fooled into thinking that he will stop just because he says that he will. It's not that he will purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he knows that he can’t stop. Unless your husband enters an in-patient detoxification clinic, (if he needs one) then enters a program like AA or NA he is destined to die an addict's death, get involved negatively with the law, or end up in a mental institution.

I hope that I have helped you with my answer. I hope that I have helped you with my answer. Your husband should never be rewarded for his irresponsible actions. He must be held responsible for them. If you are thinking that you may leave your husband please give Al-Anon an honest try first. I am going to repeat myself...It is important for you to never make any threat to him that you are not willing to follow through on! If you do make any threats that you are not 100% willing to follow through with you. If you do you will become an “enabler” and that will compound the situation.

If I can be of further assistance please contact me again. I would be interested in the progress that you make. Thank you Rebos