Expert: Rebos - 9/13/2004

Question
My husband is an alcoholic.  I believe that he knows it?  How can I help him?  I am drinking a beer each nite too.  I did not drink for 30 years.  I want to stop too.  I have been drinking that beer or two for 2 months now.  I also gamble too, I wish to stop that also.  As you can see I really need help.  Thank you for your time.  

Answer
Good afternoon Annie:

Thank you for your question. I will direct my answer to your drinking, but it can also be useful for your husband's.

Concerning your gambling and the desire to stop, I direct your attention to a program called Gamblers Anonymous. It is a 12 step program that I am sure you will find help at. You can get in touch with them via the internet E-mail at isomain@gamblersanonymous.org.

If you are interested in your husband's problem, I strongly suggest that you attend Alanon meetings where you will find others who have someone that they care about that is having a problem with alcohol.

Now let's look at the subject of alcoholism…….

First, let me say that you are the only one who can tell if you are an alcoholic and have it be meaningful in order for you to want to do anything about it. You must remember that alcoholism like any other addiction is a disease of denial. It tries to fool you into thinking that there is no problem, when there really is one.

Secondly, if you have to think about controlling your drinking you have already lost control of it. Social drinkers don't have to think about control, they can take it or leave it without any thought about how many or how few they should drink at any given time.

Thirdly, IF DRINKING CAUSES PROBLEMS THEN IT IS A PROBLEM! If you are showing concern then that concern in itself is enough of a problem for you to seriously consider abstinence from booze. It really doesn't make any difference of how much you drink…who you drink it with or where you drink it. The question that you have to ask yourself is, “What does it do to you when you drink it”. There is no shame in being an alcoholic...the shame is in doing nothing about it. Alcoholics Anonymous is where help can be found for the person who thinks they have a drinking problem. Their telephone number can be found in any local phone book or operator information.

You never once stated or even implied that you may be an alcoholic… just that your husband is. If you are one of those people who find themselves in predicaments that they don't like being in, and try to drink away their problems, the problems usually become worse, because the are not being faced up to in a timely manner. Alcohol never makes problems go away for long. Most alcoholics are people pleasers at their own expense to losing their own identity along the way. If you are depressed… you may wonder why…because chemically speaking, alcohol is a very powerful depressant. Alcoholism like a gambling addiction is only a symptom of a deeper underlying problem. Addiction of any kind is usually only the tip of the iceberg.

Below you will find a list of questions that are used by many in the field of alcoholism to help determine if a person is having a problem with drinking. They must be answered truthfully in order for them to be meaningful:

1. Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week
or so, but only
lasted for a couple of days?

2. Do you wish that people would mind their own
business about your
drinking and stop telling you what to do?

3. Have you ever switched from one drink to another in
the hope that this
would keep you from getting drunk?

4. Have you ever had an eye-opener upon wakening
during the past year?

5. Do you envy people who can drink without getting
into trouble?

6. Have you had any problems connected with drinking
during the past year?

7. Has your drinking caused trouble at home?

8. Do you ever try to get extra drinks at a party
because you do not get
enough?

9. Do you tell yourself that you can stop drinking any
time you want to,
even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean
to?

10. Have you missed days at work or school because of
drinking?

11. Do you have "blackouts"? A blackout is when you
have been drinking
there are periods of time that you can't remember.

12. Have you ever felt that your life would be better
if you did not
drink?

IF YOU ANSWER YES TO 4 OR MORE QUESTIONS then you are probably in trouble with alcohol.

With all of the above being stated…Remember, alcoholics are not born with a drink in their hand. People BECOME alcoholics because they drink alcohol to the extent where their drinking starts to cause problems in their lives, and when left to their own devices are powerless to do anything about it on their own. A problem can be anything from a simple spat with a friend or loved one over drinking, lying about how much they
drink, trying to control the amount or times that they drink, missing appointments because of drinking, forgetting about responsibilities after drinking, etc… all the way to a major incident of: a run in with the law, a divorce or separation from their spouse, a loss of a job, or failing health, friends and family thinking that you are drinking too much for your own good but you continue on …etc. You may have not experienced any of these things, but if you are an alcoholic these things (and maybe even more serious ones) will eventually happen to you if you are an active alcoholic who does nothing to recover from this deadly disease. Remember…If drinking causes problems then IT IS THE PROBLEM, everything else is just a situation that can normally be taken care of… if alcohol doesn't become part of the equation.

I know that you haven't asked for what I am going to write, but I am including it here just in case you want to carry your thoughts a bit deeper into your situation. Please accept it in the way that I am passing it on to you.

It is believed by many in the field of alcoholism that it is a three-fold illness…mental, physical and spiritual.

The “mental” part of the illness refers to the alcoholic's mental obsession to drink. If you will, the thought that precedes the first drink... a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. The alcoholic never seems to worry about the drink in front of them, but they think of the next one at the expense of not thinking where the drink will take them or what responsibilities they will not meet. The “physical” aspect of the disease is that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over in the form of a deep incessant craving that the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them or they pass out. The “spiritual” part of the illness (not spiritual in a religious way) is in the loss of the alcoholic's values, and a willingness to settle for less and less as the drinking continues. It becomes difficult for the alcoholic to determine the difference between right and wrong or good and bad. The alcoholic develops a change in priorities where drinking becomes more important than health, family, job and friends.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but “a symptom of a deeper underlying problem” that must be faced up to in order for an alcoholic to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn't very long before the alcoholic has to drink again. There is an old saying; “that once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again”.

For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down…drinking only on weekends… changing what they drink… or even switching to “near beer” with 0.5% alcohol in it. Nothing will work that is short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor's prescription as long as the doctor understands that he or she is dealing with an addicted person. Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping drinking. A bottom can be likened to going down on an elevator. The alcoholic can get of at any floor they want to. There is no need to go all the way to the bottom floor. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! However, there are many “high bottom” alcoholics that have stopped drinking and stayed stopped. On the other hand, even when a person is in a recovery program and has stayed sober for an extremely long period of time there is little guarantee that they can stay sober unless they remain vigilant and continue with their recovery on a one day at a time basis. There can be no let up, not even for a moment!

If you think that you are having a problem with alcohol, I would strongly suggest that you attend some meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. Remember, there is no shame in being an alcoholic the shame is in doing nothing about it!

I hope that I have been of some help to you in my response to your question. If you feel that you want additional information or to discuss the matter further please do not hesitate to contact me again through Allexperts. Thank you Rebos