Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 7/23/2007

Question
My husband is what I call a binge drinker. He drinks maybe once or twice a week with friends but when he does drink he does it obnoxiously which then follows with violent altercations almost everytime. Last Year he then began using cocaine without my knowledge. When I finally found out he swore he would never do it again. He then kept abusing behind my back. # months ago it all caught up with him when he lost control of his vehicle and flipped it 5 times. He and a friend had been drinking although both walked away untouched. I later found out he had snorted cocaine that afternoon. He swears the two have nothing to with it because the wreck took place 8 hours later. My son and I have since moved out with the understanding we will not return until he gets help for his problem. He know says since he is left alone he has had time to think and is become a "new" person with a different outlook on the world.  I tell him he is in denial but he says that I am wrong. Although he still drinks just doesn't get drunk. If not for this we would have a happy marriage how can I be assured though that I can ever trust him again? What should he and I do before giving our marriage another shot? How can I tell when he truly means it and is not saying this to have me move back in?

Answer
Dear Michelle

The hard reality is that if he is drinking at all he will continue to get drunk. You need to set a boundary about his drinking, and that would be that you will not live with him if he is drinking. He needs to get into rehab and stop drinking/drugging completely. Otherwise you are going to set yourself up for a lot of heartache and suffering. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, which means that although victims can heal if they completely stop drinking, if they continue to drink at all, the alcoholism will get worse. So if you want to move back in, realize that if he is drinking at all he will go back to binge drinking and he may die the next time.