Expert: Rebos - 5/1/2007

Question
My husband has started drinking again after 15 years. He decided to stop when we were young for two reasons... One, we had little kids and he let the drinking become a big problem in our life. It got to a point where he was keeping a flask in the car and delving heavily into whiskey and drugs, etc... AND got 2 DUI's before the age of 21. This happened in our early late teens early 20's. We had a family very young. We were two kids with kids and a truckload of responsibility way too early. So he wonders if maybe the early drinking was just a sign of all the issues in our life then.
Alcoholism runs in his family as well. His dad died at 42 (from alcoholsm – liver disease – he was drinking several bottles of vodka a day) Also, his younger sister is addicted to crack cocaine, his older sister to prescription pain meds.

We were at a company party recently and a woman yells out "hey why isn't Joe drinking? He drinks with Steve (a business associate) why not here?"

I kept this in my heart and brought it up at the right time about a week later. We have a good marriage and lies aren't usually a part of it, so this really rocked me! Anyway...

Then he told me that he had been doing an “experiment” the last 6 months to see if he could handle having a few drinks and not turn into a raging alchy or a drunken idiot. He said.. “Im 40 years old, a responsible adult, my kids are grown, I should, WE should, be able to have a few drinks now and then and our whole life not fall apart!”

Well since then he seems to be ok on the surface but I've been really struggling with this. It's like I'm waiting for the hammer to fall and our beautiful marriage and life to come crashing down. (because that's what happened last time and because everyone in his family is addicted to something)
He wants to have a glass of wine or a few beers 2 - 3 days a week. I drank with him (wine) a few times and the next day ended up starting a huge fight with him and in tears over my fears, I think the alcohol made me unstable and now I won't drink anymore out of fear of losing control of MYSELF through this time. Since I found out about the drinking we have fought at least once a week - big blow out fights! We hardly ever fought before this. He says he will not stop drinking because he doesn't have a problem. He thinks it's me that has the problem... my control issues. (Which may be right? I don't know)

Is there any help or advice you can offer?

Thank you in advance.

Answer
Good morning Jess:

Thank you for your question.

When a person has to start thinking about controlling their drinking, (as your husband is now doing), they have already lost control of their drinking! Social drinkers don’t have to think about how much, how often, or what they will drink. Social drinkers can take it or leave it. When drinking causes problems… drinking is a problem. The fact that your marriage may be in trouble enough to seek advice makes it a serious problem in your relationship.

One of the symptoms of being an addict of any kind is the mental obsession of thinking about drinking that precedes the first drink. Alcohol has become much too important a factor in your husband’s life. Especially so if he says that he doesn’t have a problem and therefore will continue to drink…  even over your objections. Alcoholism, like all addictions, is a disease of denial. “I’m not that bad”, or “I can stop any time I want to“. If your husband is an alcoholic he will eventually be back to where he once was with his drinking. Yes, alcoholics usually point the finger at someone else and claim that they are the one who have a problem.

You have to ask your self, “What am I willing to do to help save my marriage or at least get it back on an even keel”? If you answer, “Anything” then I suggest that you go to Al-Anon meetings. They will have all the answers for you. Not that by going there you will get your husband to stop drinking, but it will help you greatly by learning to not be an enabler, and to never make any threat to him that you are not willing 100% to follow thru on. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to go to AlAnon remember that dirty four letter word TIME. Give it time to work!

If I can be of further help feel free to contact me again. Thank you Rebos