Expert: Rebos - 10/10/2007

Question
QUESTION: Ok. My husband and I 29, have been together for 12 years and married for 6. We have 3 beautiful boy who are 5, 4 and 6 weeks. He has NEVER drank before. He is not against it but has never wanted to try it and doesn't really like the taste. I drink on occasion (girly beers or drinks)and do it socially. My husband has always refused whenever I have ask him to take a sip of a drink that I am having that he thinks "looks good". I don't ask him very often as I'm not a big drinker. Anyway, we bought a new house last year and our neighbors drink. It is a great neighborhood where everyone is always out with their kids and the guys and some wives too, have beers. My husband has always refused the beers offered and drinks soda. Well recently he finally gave into one of the neighbors and drank a Bud Lite. He hated it! Then he decided to finish it all and have another one just to fit in. I told him not to force himself and that it doesn't matter what other people think. He has forced himself on other occasions to drink other beers because of pressure but he won't admit it. He says he likes the way it makes him feel. He said he likes the buzz. Well he was buzzed the other night and was acting different: happier of course, but loud and annoying. He was hitting on me and tapping my arm constantly to get my attention. He wasn;t drunk but just uninhibited. I feel he is a different person now and am worried about him. I know he is not an alcoholic but I hate to see him drink to fit in. Last night he asked me if I wanted a Smirnoff Ice just so he could have a beer just because a neighbor was over and was also drinking a beer. He admits he started drinking to fit in but now he says its because he likes the buzz. Am I making a big deal out of this? I just feel he is trying to be someone else than who I married and I don't like it. Why now is he trying to change? Am I overreacting?

ANSWER: Good morning Mandy and thank you for your question. No, you are not over-reacting!

If drinking causes problems then “It” is a problem and your concern is justified! It seems as though your husband is like most people who become alcoholics, they have to drink alcohol in order to become an alcoholic. Although there is a theory that alcoholism may be hereditary, it really doesn’t make any difference in the long run. Once a person becomes an alcoholic there is no way to un-ring the bell once you ring it… so to speak. There is also an old saying, “once you turn a cucumber into a pickle, you can never change it back to a cucumber again”. It doesn’t make any difference as to how much alcohol your husband drinks, or how often he drinks, who he drinks it with, where he drinks it or what kind of alcohol he drinks. The real question is… what does t do to him when he drinks it? If you are concerned about what his drinking is doing to him, then you are right! Go with your intuition and gut feeling on this one!

Your husband undoubtedly has a tendency to becoming an alcoholic because he likes the feeling that it gives him! What your husband is experiencing is called a “Doctor Jeckel and Mister Hyde Syndrome”. As the story goes; Dr. Jeckel is the same person who, when he drinks a potion that he concocts in his laboratory, becomes and acts like another person. Your husband may have started drinking to fit in, but he has graduated to drinking because he likes the feeling that it is giving him! It is one of the danger signs of him becoming an alcoholic! Maybe you should also stop drinking the “girly beers” to encourage him to stop. Above all be honest with your husband and tell him of your concern for him and the family’s well being. Remember that you have three children in the house that see and hear everything. Their mother and father’s actions will have a profound affect as to who and what they become socially.

If there is anything further that I can do for you… feel free to ask me a follow-up question. Thank you, Rebos


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Ok. So I did approach him about why he feels the need to drink and we ended up fighting over it. He was screaming at me and was furious. He says he is not overdoing it (which I agree with) but my  whole point is: Why is he even trying to drink after all of these years not doing it? AND Why does he continue to try it when he says it doesn't taste good? This is what I mean by he is changing as a person. He used to hold true to his beliefs and now he has thrown all that out the window to impress people and to "feel good". I tried explaining that if he tried it and actually liked it and did it occasionally then I wouldn't think it were a problem. But since he feels the need to continue when he says it doesn't taste good makes me wonder what he is trying to prove. I should mention this is sort of the topping on the cake for me since I recently found out that he was sneaking on the Internet and looking at sex/porn sites. Though I am not a prude (we have looked at porn together) I felt hurt that he was sneaking it and was wondering why. When I asked him about it he completely lied to me and made up a whole story. This really shook my faith in him because this is the first time (that I know of) that he has lied to me. I never thought we would be in this place we're at now. Sneaking, lieing and now drinking to fit in. I feel like he has changed from the man I fell in loved with. He says I'm a hypocrite for drinking myself but I have always drank socially which is maybe a few times a year or so and I don; do it to get buzzed and I certainly don't feel the need to drink to impress my friends. What should I do?

Answer

Good afternoon Mandy and thank you for your follow-up question.

Whenever an alcoholic is confronted about their drinking it usually ends up in an argument. Whenever an alcoholic is confronted about their drinking they will usually lie about it in some way. Whenever an alcoholic is confronted about their drinking they will in some way blame another person, place or thing. Every one of your husband’s responses, when you confronted him, are classic symptoms of alcoholism. Especially so when you consider his recent personality change… he is a lot further into the disease than I thought earlier!

Your husband must have a much deeper problem, (that you may not know about), and until he comes to terms with whatever it is, then in the long run you; your children and your husband are destined to live a life of unhappiness. Alcoholism as with any drug addiction never gets better it always gets worse! It surprises me to conclude that your husband must have a very low self-esteem if he is drinking just to fit in. He is sacrificing his family’s well-being for a group of strangers that will come and go in his life. But alcoholism is a disease of denial, and he is in denial.

Under the circumstances that you now find yourself I strongly recommend that you start to attend Alanon meetings. You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has and will develop in your life by having an alcoholic husband in it. At Alanon meetings you will find out what you can do to help your husband, by first learning to help yourself. Until you are armed with the right information about the disease and its implications, your efforts to help him will be for nothing. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

Your husband should never be rewarded for any of his irresponsible actions. He must be held responsible for them. Something must be done to stop his spiral downward. It is generally believed (in AA which has the best track record for recovery) that alcoholism is a three-fold disease… mental, physical, and spiritual. The “mental part”; deals with the thought that precedes the first drink... a preoccupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that an alcoholic must drink. The “physical part” is that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over and an alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside force or incident stops them. And last but not least, the “spiritual part” of the illness. Not spiritual in a religious way, but in the loss of values and a willingness to settle for less and less as his drinking continues. Stopping drinking, for an alcoholic, is not a matter of willpower. For an alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing to beer or wine, or even switching to near beer with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or mind-altering substances (drugs). The exception is a doctor’s prescription as long as he or she knows that the patient is an addict!

Each one of us has a breaking point, especially so when we see a person that we care for destroying their life. It is important to understand that an alcoholic is a very sick person who has a “disease”, BUT YET, MUST BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS. It is also important for you to hate the disease and not your husband. Alcoholism is a disease that affects not only the alcoholic, but all those who have the unfortunate experience of having any contact with an alcoholic. In any case you have to be strong and insist that he does something about stopping drinking. Think very carefully before you say anything to him about his stopping drinking; say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t be mean when you say it! It is most important for you to NEVER make any threat to your husband that you are not 100% willing to follow through with!

It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Any “verbal” or physical abuse by him of you should not be tolerated at all. If an enabler has no special knowledge (and use that knowledge effectively) about alcoholism and try to help, the alcoholic can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler and continue on drinking because he knows that he will be forgiven again and again. I hope that do not turn into such a person.

I hope that I have not frightened you by my response, but alcoholism is a great remover and is not to be taken lightly as a passing fancy. If I can be of further help to you please let me know with a follow-up. Thank you Rebos.