You are here:

Addiction to Alcohol/My husband has a problem!

Advertisement

Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 8/23/2007


Question
Ok, when my husband and I first got together 6 years ago. He would hit me and push me and pull my hair on occasion. All in front of my 2 1/2 year old son. Well, it always happened when he had drank and smoked a lot of marijuana which he did both on a everyday basis. But the abuse only happened when he did more than normal. I tried to leave several times but he would cry and tell me it won't ever happen again. So, I stay. Well, I got pregnant and we got married after a year of being together. He did it again while I was holding our 5 month old boy. I always told everyone about the abuse. I never hid it from people. He has also cheated on me. Once our son was about 2 years old I finally moved out. I said enough. I was done. That's when he decided to go to counseling after I tried to get him to go while I was going. He begun going to church with me and straightened up. Quit smoking marijuana and even quit drinking. After three months he talked me into moving back with him. Basically saying he will take care of me. I had problems with finances. So, I moved back in and things were great. It was wonderful. He was inside with us and we were a genuine family. After 6 months of being sober he begun drinking again. Said it would only be occasionally but now our son is 5 years old and my husband is drinking everyday again. I keep talking to him about but he thinks I am nagging and I always notice how the outside whites of his eyes are always red in the evening. He swears he is not smoking marijuana but it's hard for me to believe him. I want to believe him but am not sure. He says things like well, I'm not hitting you or being mean to you am I? He's not really but one time he did hit me in the morning and there has been some occasions of verbal abuse but not like before. But he is never in the house in the evenings with the boys and I anymore again. So, I don't know what to do. I am about to give up. I don't if I should move out again or what. I am really at a loss now. He's not "mean" which was my basis for moving. But I just can't stand the drinking everyday and possible smoking marijuana and the fear of being abused again because of the drinking and substance. I don't want my boys growing and thinking it's ok to drink everyday.

Answer
Greetings to you, Jeri.

You have written:

>> I don't know what to do.

First, tell your husband these same three things you have told me:

>> I just can't stand the drinking everyday and possible smoking marijuana ...
>> I just can't stand the fear of being abused again ...
>> I don't want my boys growing and thinking it's ok to drink everyday.

Then, tell your husband you believe he means to do well and ask him whether he would be willing to talk with another man who used to also be a daily drinker and pot smoker and wife abuser in front of his own children ... and let me know what he says.

Joseph Lee O.

Addiction to Alcohol

All Answers

Answers by Expert:

Ask Experts

Volunteer

Joseph Lee O.

Expertise

Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.

Experience

The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken. Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along. At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ... ... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.

©2012 About.com, a part of The New York Times Company. All rights reserved.