Expert: Rebos - 11/18/2006

Question
I can relate to what the lady is going thru on the 9/8/2006 letter. My husband is an alcoholic, and he is in constant denial. My husband "claims" he was robbed of his check 960.00 at a bar. My husband has no understanding of "what could happen if I do..." He always states "it won't happen to me". But things have happened to him, a DUI 16 yrs ago, now this supposedly robbed of his paycheck, at a local "low life bar". I have discovered yelling, crying, screaming... doesn't help.

The hurtful remarks, I've been told, so he can defend his drinking, is just stupid!! The only good thing going for him so far is he has kept his same job for 16 years. He doesn't miss work due to drinking, but he still is really STUPID when he does drink. I am not asking for advice really, I guess I am just trying to get my feelings out, after such a large loss of money, due to pure stupidity.
I really don't know if the money was stolen... I have to believe him (this time) this has never happened before. How far does someone have to "fall" before they start climbing out? I am still waiting after 18 years of marriage, and he still isn't climbing out!! I know he needs to get help but he refuses. What a hell of a life!

Answer
Good afternoon Sheila:

I know that you haven’t asked me a question or asked for any advice, but if you don’t mind I feel prompted to make some comments that may be relative to your situation.

As you know, by your experience in being married to an alcoholic for 18 years, alcoholism is a progressive illness. With that being said it seems as though your husband may be getting to the point where he is running out of little lies to bigger ones to protect his right to drink the way he wants to. I would bet that he would not have been “robbed” if he wasn’t still drinking. Giving him the benefit of doubt, at best, someone took advantage of him and STOLE his money, which would not have happened if he didn’t stop off for a few drinks…or, he is accumulating what they call “rat hole money” for that “rainy day” when he runs out of money. Little does he realize that the rat hole money never lasts until the rainy day. It gets drinked up long before he plans for. Sober people, when they get robbed file a report of the incident with the police. I assume that he did not show you a copy of the police report.

Once again, I know that you didn’t ask for advice, but have you ever considered attending Al-Anon meetings? I can’t believe that you have gone thru 18 years of living with a drunken husband without going to Al-Anon. Especially after his DUI 16 years ago and the possibility of losing his job along the way.

I hope that I haven’t taken too much liberty with my comments, but right or wrong I just could not leave your message unanswered. Always feel free to contact me again…thank you Rebos