Expert: Clyde - 9/14/2007

Question
QUESTION: My husband is a recovering alcoholic. He has one year sober. Our marriage has been struggling for a while. My problem is that now he can't handle being anywhere theres alcohol or especially me if I have ONE glass of wine he has a huge fit. So now we go nowhere and I'm not allowed to have my friends over becuase they drink. It seems alcohol is still controlling our lives. How are we supposed to make our marriage work like this? I think how about when were on vacation I can't ever have a drink because hes going to flip. I drink very little but for him thats too much. Any thoughts?

ANSWER: Dear Debbie,
   Thank you for your question.  It is an important one and I am glad that you are reaching out for some experience, strength and hope from those of us who have recovered from alcoholism.
   First, understand that if your husband is working a good program of recovery, he has discovered that alcoholism is not a moral issue - it is a disease.  Alcohol is processed differently in the bodies of alcoholics.  The exact mechanism is not known but we say that it is an "allergy of the body" and an "obsession of the mind."  That being said, he has found that he does not want to ingest alcohol as it does some things to his thinking and his feeling that has become destructive.  He will go to any length to stay away from alcohol.
  As a non-alcoholic, it is going to be difficult for you to understand how his response to one drink is different from you own.  But, trust me, it is different.
  He is probably like any alcoholic in early sobriety and fears the physical sight or smell of anything alcoholic - that includes foods cooked in wine or liquor, vanilla extract (all extracts actually that are not imitation), medicines; waterless hand soap, mouthwashes, and, of course, your wine and any other liquors, beers, or ales.  This is a real issue and is something I would ask you to think about.  It will require some compassion on your part to begin to give him support in these early days.  He needs someone who can ease him through the fear that he will succumb to drinking.  He is scared.
  Also, like many alcoholics, he is probably angry at alcohol!  It has destroyed many years of his life and he will be grieving the hurt, pain, remorse, guilt, and shame of having been beaten by something as silly as a liquid.  We say it is "cunning, baffling, and powerful."  It took a hold of him.  Now it is gone, hopefully for good.  
  In this period he is probably also feeling some anger at the serving of alcohol, advertising of alcohol, in short the blatant ways that the makers of alcoholic beverages inundate the senses of people to buy their brand.  You can't even go into a restaurant without being bombarded by signs, neons, wine lists, and the little glass boards on the tables.  This is an example of why the mental obsession is so hard to control.
  Your friends who come over to drink can have many effects on him but primarily I would say it generates fear and shame in him.  Many people think alcoholics are "weak" because they cannot drink.  This is untrue.  There is marvelous strength in a person who realizes a chemical compound aims to kill them.  Not knowing his relationship with these folks it is hard to say how being with them may make him feel.
  In time he should become more accepting of the fact that society will not be changed - he must live in it as best he can.  He will learn that AA'ers actually learn to accept others in their right to drink.  We say that we are to be "tolerant" of drinking by those who can.
  All that is longwinded, but I hope it gives you some perspective on what he is probably up against.
  My suggestion is this: When you have some quiet moments and conversation can be had on the subject, simply ask him to share with you his deepest feelings and thoughts about alcohol.  Try to listen without any preconceived notions and without any bias, or defensiveness.  Remember you are wanting to get him to tell you how he feels at this time.
  After you know where he is coming from, then maybe take some time to really think about what he has told you.  Is your having a drink more important than supporting him in a renewed life and sense of well-being?  Are there any things in his attitude about liquor in which you can also agree?  Do you really need to have friends over to drink or can each of the guests simply give up alcohol for that brief period of time out of respect and compassion for your husband?
  After some personal soul-searching, then work out a compromise on the drinking. Work out some way that is win-win.  I can not tell you how many marriages have ended because the non-alcoholic spouse could not or would not give up some of their own personal territory with alcohol to allow the alcoholic some much needed space to work through all the aforementioned considerations.  For the most part the alcoholic will become very easy with their spouses use of alcohol if this period of adjustment is understood as important to the alcoholic and they have really been heard.
  Hope this helps,
Grace and Peace,
Clyde


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks so much for your help. I've been wondering too and maybe I'm the one in denial or the dark; can a alcoholic after being off booze for a while set limits like they'll allow themselves 2 drinks and be done. Thats what I do, and switch to water. I know some folks who have been to treatment(in their 20's) and stuck with it for a while(5yrs) and now they are in their 40s and they drink occasionally and its not a problem. Whats up with that? I know my husband thinks about alcohol like I do about chocolate, meaning its on his mind a lot which I don't get. I used to smoke and quit 10 years back and I never crave it, ever. So wouldn't drinking be like that too? I've been told marriages don't work with one who drinks no matter how little and one who can't. I apppreciate your help with this Clyde!

Answer
Debbie,
  Thanks for your feedback and your comments.  And thank you for the follow-up questions.
  The matter of an alcoholic ever drinking successfully again once sober is the chief question all alcoholics ask themselves throughout their lives.  Our Big Book has a story about a man who was drinking too much, stopped for 25 years, built a successful business, and retired at which time he felt he had reached the point in life that warranted a few drinks occasionally.  He was dead in two years; died as an out-of-control alcoholic.  It is just one story but it reminds the recovered alcoholic that alcoholism is merely interrupted but it is still progressing.  That means that an alcoholic who has not drank for a number of years will pick up where they left off and rapidly develop full-blown alcoholic drinking should they elect to ever take the first drink.  We say it is the first drink that is going to get us drunk so we don't take it.
   Your analogy to the chocolate is a good one.  Can you have just one M&M? Can you have just one piece of fudge? I can't.  As a matter of fact I gave up chocolate for two years because I was practically drinking 2 quarts of chocolate a week! (I had a little ice cream with my chocolate syrup). It was a comfort food that I was abusing.  My excuse? Well, I was in distress, in a bad marriage, losing my career, needing something to make me feel better.  It boils down to alcoholic thinking - take away the pain and the fear and the feelings we don't want to face by indulging in things that we do.
  My experience in the rooms of AA tells me that I am never going to drink socially again.  (I never actually drank socially as I drank to get drunk from the very first time I drank.) I looked for the altered mood and the altered feelings.  I have seen too many people go back out and return to AA only to report that it is true - we rapidly become drunk and find ourselves back in the clutches of our disease.
  I would suggest that someone like yourself who can successfully limit your drinks so easily is not an alcoholic and those persons you mention who stopped in their twenties and resumed successful drinking in their forties were not as well.  I don't want to check to see if I might be one of those.  Alcohol has nothing to offer me as I have discovered a better way of living - taking life on life's terms and feeling all the intensity of it, be is good or bad.  I used alcohol to hide from life.   I don't hide anymore.
   As to the marriages working with a spouse who drinks and one who doesn't, I know of many examples of couples who meet this quality and live happily together.  I also know many who are miserable.  I think those who are successful have an underlying solid base built on true love and commitment. They work on their relationship and deal with the alcohol issue openly and honestly.  If the spouse is truly not an alcoholic (the one who still drinks), then that person would find the middle of the road on the issue and compromise their freedom out of genuine concern for their mate.  Those who don't work it out in this loving fashion find themselves living in dangerous silence and denial.
  Hope this helps and send more queries and questions as they come up.
Grace and Peace,
Clyde