Expert: Rebos - 8/30/2006

Question
Dear Rebos
The country that my borther is returning back is Nepal.I hope you have heard of it. It is next to India.
( we are also scared that he might change his mind to come back at the last minute).
Financially is it not possible for us to keep him in USA and give him treatment therefore we want him back here.
.We have no rehab centres for alcholics but only for drug addicts.Alchol can be easily purchased in any shop and there is no age barrier to drinking.The laws are not strict at all.
The only reason to bring him back is because the whole family will be here to help him.
If you need more information i shall provide it .
Thankyou .
-------------------------

Followup To

Question -
Dear Rebos
I come from a country where family holds a lot of value.My brother was sent to USA for his furthur studies but he ended up being an alcholic.He has not completed his studies and we have no idea as to what is the cause of him being depressed and alcholic.My mother has had a hard time with him as he wont listen to her.We stopped him from working because the moment he gets money he buys alchol.The doctors have said that if he consumes alchol at this rate he will die soon.When he drinks he does  not eat or drink anything except for alchol that too with out water or anything but just neat. 1-2 litres.
He drinks for days and when he drinks he becomes violent, abuses verbally and physically.Many times he has also been taken by the cops and to the hospital due to his critical conditions.The whole family is sufferring because of this.
We have decided to get him back to our own country but I am scared that this will raise many eyebrows as I belong to a society where prestige etc is important.However I dont care about that but I want my brother to live and not die everyday.
He attendend AA meetings and all the possible classes to help him get out of this addiction. he gets okay for 20 days and after that he drinks again and lies unconscious for days.I am scared that I will hear some day that my brother is dead because of this.When he does not drink he is an angel but when he drinks he is a monster  he does not fear mom or dad but abuses everyone physically.
Now that he is coming back to his own country I dont know what kind of behaviour should we have towards him.How do we help him recover.does any of our suggestions or advice trigger him to drink.How do i make him realize that he will be dead if he dosent stop drinking.
It has been a painful year for all of  the family member as his behaviour is becoming worse day by day.We have tried detox centers to therapy to medititaion to everything possible to save him but he does not give up drinking.
He is 26 yrs old and he is the youngest in the family.he has a long life ahead and my parents are old now to take care of him in everystep.I dont want to loose my brother as I love him a  lot .
please help.

Answer -
Good afternoon Dee:

Thank you for your question. Since I am not familiar with what country you are referring, (to which your brother is returning to) and not familiar with its laws (both civil and religious) it is difficult for me to answer the specifics of you’re your situation.

So… if you would give me some additional information about; the country’s name, are there Alcoholics Anonymous and AlAnon meetings in the country?

I await your reply Thank you Rebos  

Answer
Good morning Dee:

Thank you for the additional information that I asked for. Yes, I know of the country Nepal, and it’s a long way from the USA.

The first thing that I would advise that when you send your brother the means of getting home to Nepal, DON’T SEND HIM CASH and preferably a NON-CONVERTIBLE TICKET that be exchanged for cash! If your brother is as bad off as you described he will opt for using the money he gets for a ticket or convert the ticket you send him to cash for drinking alcohol.

You say that there are no rehabs for alcoholics but there are for drug addicts. Have you forgotten that your brother is an addict, and that there is no difference between a drug addict and an alcoholic…they are both addicts.  “A rose by any other name is still a rose”. Therefore your brother should enter a drug rehab program. It will not make any difference if it specializes in drugs. Most alcoholics take drugs too.

I suggest that you look for and attend Alanon meetings or Naranon meetings (for drug addicts because you say that there are drug treatment programs available in Nepal) as soon as possible. The rehab will direct you to the places where there are meetings…either Alanon or Naranon. When you do you will find that your problem is not quite as unique as you may think. If the meetings do anything for you at all they will remove your feelings of isolation from the rest of society by being with others who are in your same situation. At meetings you will learn how to live with having an alcoholic and or drug addict in your life, and implications of addiction. The meetings are intended to help you and not the addict directly. However, in order for you to help him you must first learn to help yourself. You may even learn how to raise his bottom! At the meetings you will meet people whom also have an addict in their lives, and that their own lives had become unmanageable as a result of it. Addiction to alcohol and/or drugs is a disease that affects everyone who comes into contact with an addict. Addicts are not bad people, they are sick people who need help, but they must be held responsible for their actions! You may not be able to do anything about your brother’s drinking but you can do something about the problems that have developed in your life by having an addict in it. Until you are armed with the right kind of information, and knowledge about the disease your efforts to help him will be for nothing. Addiction is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. For meeting locations contact the rehab center.

If you don’t already know, it is generally believed, by many in the field of alcoholism, that it is a three-fold disease. Mental, Physical and Spiritual.

The “mental” part of the illness refers to the mental obsession to drink that precedes the first drink... a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. The “physical” aspect of the disease is that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over in the form of a deep incessant craving that the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them or they pass out. The “spiritual” part of the illness (not spiritual in a religious way) is in the loss of an alcoholic’s values, and a willingness to settle for less and less as the drinking continues. It becomes difficult for the alcoholic to determine the difference between right and wrong or good and bad. The alcoholic develops a change in priorities where drinking becomes more important than health, family, job and friends.

Stopping drinking/drugging is not a matter of willpower. Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for an alcoholic to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as “white knuckle sobriety”. It isn’t very long before the alcoholic has to drink again. FOR THE ALCOHOLIC or drug addict THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CUTTING DOWN, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, smoking pot or taking other mind altering drugs or even switching to “near beer” with 0.05% alcohol. For the alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription AS LONG AS THE DOCTOR UNDERSTANDS that he/she is dealing with an addicted person.

Unfortunately, all addicts must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some many may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! No one can scare an addict into stopping drinking. Threatening, begging and even putting him away against his wishes will not get him to stop doing what he has not made up his own mind to do. Don’t think that he does not want to stop, he can’t stop when left to his own devices. Also, don’t be lulled into thinking that he will stop drinking just because he says that he will. It’s not that he will purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he is afraid to stop. Addiction is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious.

Rarely have I seen an alcoholic stop drinking on willpower alone. The disease is too powerful. I strongly suggest that you, your mother, and any other interested people go to Alanon or Naranon. I hope that I have helped you with my answer. If I can be of any further help, feel free to contact me again. Thank you Rebos