Expert: Rebos - 4/23/2007

Question
Hello, I am asking for advice. My mom has been drinking for as long as I can remember. ( I am 33 years old) She is a totally different person when she has had her vodka. When she starts drinking she brings up the past-about how my dad left her 20 years ago,. I do not think that she can let go of the past. I told her that this is killing me, and she says she is going to change, and about3-4 weeks later she goes on these binges, feels sorry for herself, says she wants to die, and drinks and then she calls me and we get into an argument.,and my family has to suffer for it. I am an only child and I am asking where I can get help, because I truly can take it anymore. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. TSEale

Answer
Good afternoon Tiffany:

Thank you for your question. If you are really interested in solving your problem, which by the way is very common, I have the answer for you… its Al-Anon, Al-Anon, Al-Anon. There is little that you can do to get your mother into treatment unless she really wants help to stop drinking. You have described your mother as a classic alcoholic, and she can’t stop drinking on her willpower alone. She needs a program like Alcoholics Anonymous. If you are in her immediate area you may want to suggest that she starts to attend their meetings, and that you will go with her if she at all balks at going. If you are not close to her she may want to call AA and ask that a female(s) come to her house and talk to her.

As far as talking to her on the telephone when she is drunk (which she probably won’t remember any way) call your telephone company and install “Caller ID”, and screen her calls to you. You should be able to tell by her message voice if she has been drinking. If she hasn’t been drinking and you call her back and she wonders why you didn’t answer the phone the first time, tell her that you are screening her calls for when she is drunk and will not answer her calls if she is drunk. There is nothing like the truth when it comes to addiction. It just might help to raise her bottom and get her to seek help sooner than later. Please never make any threat to her that you are not 100% willing to follow through with. If you weaken and don’t follow through for whatever kind of a threat that you make to her you are in reality giving her permission to get drunk again.

I strongly suggest that you start to attend Alanon meetings. You may not be able to do anything about your mother’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in YOUR life by having an alcoholic in it. At Alanon you will find out what you can do to help her by first learning to help yourself. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). Al-Anon is where YOU will get better. What you need to do is listen to others who are or have been in your similar situation and have found an answer to their problem. I guarantee that if you attend Al-Anon regularly, and work on your self…you will get better. That’s not to say that your mother will get better because you go to Al-Anon, but you will learn how to detach from her illness with love and learn to hate the disease and not its victim. You have to give Al-Anon a chance to work for you…there are no quick fixes to your problem.

Your mother is suffering from the poor me’s… poor me, poor me pour me a drink, and since alcohol is a depressant drug her drinking is compounding her poor me’s.

If I can be of further help to you feel free to contact me again. Thank you Rebos