Expert: Rebos - 11/17/2006

Question
hi, i need advice on my current situation. i have been with my boyfriend for two years now. over these two years i have noticed my boyfriend changes personlity when he drinks. he doesnt drink everyday except most nights on the weekends which is generay normal behavior of a 23 year old. my friends drink to but the conseqences of the drinking are very different. he starts to get angry and agressive. he will start to swear at me and call me every name under the sun, and get angry at me even when i do not do anything wrong. he has once dragged me off the bed when he has been so angry, and alwayas punches holes in the door. whenver i confront him about his behavior the next day he gets defensive and says that he cant remember saying and doing those things but is sorry if he hurt me. i dont even know if i believe the word sorry anymore cuase he says it so often. im starting to take a toll emotionallly but i still dont know if he has an alcohol problem. as i said he doesnt drink during the week only o weekends and he doesnt feel compelled to always have a drink but will alwyas drink when out. his father just died from alcoholism and im scared i am judging to quickly. it is definatly ruining our relationship and he wont stop being angry and destructive. i just need advice on what to do and if he does need help or i am making him mad?  

Answer
Good morning Baillie:

Thank you for your question.

No he doesn’t drink because you get him mad…he drinks because he is an alcoholic. He uses it as an excuse but it is not the reason. Until he finds out what that reason is he is destined to die a drunk’s death like his father, get involved with the law or end up in a mental institution! It doesn’t make any difference how much your boyfriend drinks, how often he drinks, what he drinks or even who he drinks it with…The test is what does it do to him when he drinks it? There is no question in my mind that your boyfriend is having a problem with booze, and if you put up with it or stay with him you are looking for a lifetime of trouble. Two years isn’t much to give up when it comes to the REST OF YOUR LIFE. There is no reason for you to put up with any verbal and physical abuse. He is a very angry guy when he drinks. Don’t be one of the morning newspaper headlines…get out of the relationship while you can. Just think of the trouble that you will be faced with if you end up having a child with this guy and be strapped to him for the next 18 years or so! Whether he thinks he is having a problem or not is not the question. The question is “if drinking causes problems then IT is a problem” no matter what he says! In so many words it is called an addiction just like any other addiction. Alcoholism never gets better on its own it always gets worse. Alcoholics don’t have girlfriends, they don’t have wives, they don’t even have children, Alcoholics take hostages and have victims…they are too self-centered, and care more about their right to continue drinking than they do for their girlfriends, wives or children. Ask him to stop drinking and see if he does. That should tell you something. I have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking on their willpower alone…the addiction is too powerful. If you want to be a victim or his hostage then you will stay in the relationship.

Because of his anger problem make sure that you protect yourself at all times, and if necessary take out a restraining order against him for domestic violence, and move out if necessary. I wish you the very best. Thank you Rebos