Expert: Rebos - 4/1/2007

Question
Hi my name is stephanie. I am 20 years old and i have been with my boyfriend for a few years now. At first drinking with him was fun on the weekends. But over the past year it has become out of control. He is not the same person anymore. I hate alcohol and what it does to people and relationships. I dont know who this monster is. I am in love with him and when he is sober he is the man of my dreams.he says he wants a life with me and he wants to quit.  But i have yet to see any changes. I know he needs to help himself but I am very worried about him. We fight only when he drinks and I yell at him for being mean to me. I know that I cant yell at him if I want to help him. I need other ways to make him see I care about him without yelling. I want to help him and I need help finding other ways. He tells me that I am the reason why he drinks. At first i didnt believe him but now i am starting to. He says the worst things when he is drunk and then he is so sweet to me the next day. and he doesnt even remember saying half the things he says. If I cant help him I dont know what else to do. I really need some help. Thank you for your time.

Answer
Good afternoon Stephanie:

Thank you for your question.

UNLESS YOUR BOYFRIEND GETS HELP for his drinking problem you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of always wondering “what is he going to do next to make my life miserable?” If you intend to marry him BEFORE HE GETS HELP you will not only hurting yourself, but it will be a disaster for any children that you may have. If your boyfriend is already experiencing blackouts he is destroying brain cells every time he has a blackout, plus there is no telling what he might do during his next blackout. It is said that 85% of all those serving prison sentences have committed their crimes while in a blackout or have run someone down while drunk and driving.

You should be going to Al-Anon! I will assume that you know what Al-Anon is. Alcoholism is a “family” disease and the “significant other” of the alcoholic (which you are) also suffers from the effects of drinking. You can either start YOUR recovery process – or keep the illness going. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your boyfriend’s drinking is to gain knowledge and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Al-Anon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

If you decide to not go to Al-Anon the least that you can do is to stop trying to control something that you can’t control. You have to understand that you are totally powerless over your boyfriend’s drinking, and until he is sick and tired of being sick and tired …then he may do something about his drinking problem. I say may do something about his drinking problem, because he may be one of those poor souls that do not have the capacity of being honest about their situation. He has to be honest about his drinking and what effect it is having on his relationship with you, open minded enough to listen and learn, plus the willingness to want to change his life from being a drunk to be able to face all the fears that we all face. He must be a very fearful man that he has to drink away his fears. As long as you keep doing what ever it is that keeps you in the relationship he has no reason to stop drinking! He may have found excuses for his drinking, but no reason is good enough to destroy someone that he professes to love!

Alcoholics who are still drinking are generally self-centered to the extreme, and booze is more important to them than ANYTHING ELSE. As much as he may love you and you love him his addiction will never allow you to come first, booze will always come before you, his health, his job, his family, and even his very life. If you did break up with him you may be doing him a big favor by helping to raise his “bottom”. In other words he just may grab onto that moment of truth and recognize that he has lost another thing that was important in his life. But in his case I doubt if he even cares for you since all that he does is argue with you when he is drunk. I know of many cases where the non-drinker of a couple ends up “joining” the drinker as a matter of their own survival. What ever you do don’t join him in his drinking, because to be a male alcoholic is bad enough, but to be a female alcoholic is much worse because of the “special” problems that a woman drunk faces. You will become his weak prey that he can do with you whatever he wants to.

It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic’s actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. The alcoholic can sense the weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued time and time, again. In a backhanded way you will give him “permission” to drink by your continued acceptance of his unacceptable behavior. What ever you decide to do it should be based upon your head talking and not your heart. Don’t let your actions appear to be allowing him to continue drinking. If you continue on the road that you are on you haven’t seen anything yet. Alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. If you decide to leave him, make it very clear to him that you do not want to hear from him again until he does something positive about his drinking problem…and then only after he has been sober in a program of recovery (like AA) for at least one full year. But, whatever you do NEVER MAKE ANY THREAT TO HIM THAT YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH

However, if for some insane reason he does not get help and you cannot stop yourself from continuing your relationship with him, then it would be wise for you to go to Alanon meetings. It is the only way that you will survive the ordeal of having an alcoholic in your life. If you do choose to remain in your relationship with him and you don’t attend Al-Anon meetings you have no one to blame for your situation but yourself.

Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people who need help, but they must be held responsible for their actions! You may not be able to do anything about your boyfriend’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having alcoholic in it. Until you are armed with the right kind of information, knowledge and implications of the disease, your efforts to help him will be for nothing.

Generally, alcoholics are users! They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They don’t really have family, lovers, wives, husbands, children or friends they have “victims” and they take “hostages” as long as they can get away with it. In the long run enabling your boyfriend will not only destroy him, but also take you with him.

Emotions being what they are will tend to cloud your ability to think rationally, and cause you to see your situation in a distorted way. The level of your emotional pain is directly related to your need to run the show and control the situation. The more you try to control a situation the deeper your pain will be. It cannot be done alone when your emotions are in charge. It is natural for you to want to retreat into yourself ...so to speak. You must allow those who have the answers for you (Al-Anon) to help you through it. When we allow others to help it is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of your strength. There is no reason for you to feel that you have failed at something you have no control over.

I wish you the very best and I hope that I have given you enough information to help you during this critical time in your life. If I can be of further help don’t hesitate to ask me a follow-up question. Thank you Rebos