Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 12/7/2007

Question
Dear Joseph,
I am in desperate need of some help.  I am 33 years old and have fallen in love with someone who is 27 and believe that he is addicted to pain medication and other substances.  He just got a DUI but does have a severe medical condition that makes me question whether or not his use of pain medication is justifiable or if I am just not willing to be honest with myself.  We have been seeing each other on and off for the last year. During this time we both dated other people, but somehow we always ended up back in each others lives.  For the past couple of months things changed in our relationship where we started spending a great deal of time together and I made every excuse to myself why it wasn't the right relationship for me.  But, I found myself drawn to him and falling in love with him.  He is very good to me, but I had a child when I was 17 years old and his father died of a drug overdose from prescription meds about 7 years ago.  I swore that I would never get involved with someone who had a drinking/drug problem even if they were in recovery.  I know all about the 12 step programs and the al anon and narc anon groups.  I know what enabling is and everything else.  What I don't know is why I am having a difficult time ending this relationship.  I broke up with him a few days ago and missed him terribly.  I called him and we talked and he told me that he felt that I had bailed on him and that I couldn't really commit to a relationship, that I was looking for a way out.  I know that I hurt him, but he knows that I don't want to sit back and have him think that it was okay to do what he is doing.  He went to see a drug and alcohol counselor, but I think I know everything and he said that in my mind its rehab or nothing.  I guess he is right in a way because I know what withdrawls from pain meds are like and I don't believe that you can stop doing drugs without serious professional help because you have to change everything.  Anyway, to make a long story short he pretty much blamed the demise of our relationship on my inability to commit and to stick by him.  He doesn't even seem to want to get back together and work things out because of what I have done.  My question is..... What the heck is wrong with me?

Answer
Greetings again, Elizabeth.

You have written:

>> I am 33 years old and have fallen in love with someone ...

Nothing at all wrong with that, eh?!  “Needed, wanted and loved” is what we all need, want and love both for ourselves and for others.

>> I ... believe that he is addicted to pain medication and other substances.

I believe we will see evidence of that as we go along ...

>> He just got a DUI ...

That does not happen to rational, responsible and stable people.

>> ... but does have a severe medical condition that makes me question whether or not his use of pain medication is justifiable ...

Maybe it is, but that would not in any way excuse the irresponsibility of driving under the influence of anything.

>> ... or if I am just not willing to be honest with myself.

Here is where you will have to decide whether you want to be a wife and look forward to the related benefits or potentially an over-taxed caretaker.

>> For the past couple of months things changed in our relationship where we started spending a great deal of time together and I made every excuse to myself why it wasn't the right relationship for me.

Your “gut instinct” is probably dependable.

>> But, I found myself drawn to him and falling in love with him.

You likely see him as needy and non-threatening, and that pulls on your nurturing instinct.

>> He is very good to me, but ... I swore that I would never get involved with someone who had a drinking/drug problem even if they were in recovery.

Being familiar with all of that makes you acutely aware of a bitter-sweet clash between familiarity and harsh reality ... kind of like trying to find your way through a familiar woods after sunset.  You know your way around well enough, yet the moonlight is not sufficient for washing away the scary shadows or illuminating the roots and stumps.

>> I know all about the 12 step programs and ... what enabling is and everything else.  What I don't know is why I am having a difficult time ending this relationship.

Again: We all need to be needed, wanted and loved, and this territory is more familiar and less scary than the thought of possibly ending up all alone.

>> ... he told me that he felt that I had bailed on him ...

Whoa, as if maybe you owed him something?!  That man will suck the very life out of you and never even look back and say “Oops!”

>> ... he told me ... that I couldn't really commit to a relationship, that I was looking for a way out.

Ah, so he believes there might be something wrong with you for actually being wise, eh?!

>> I know that I hurt him ...

No, no, no, you did not!  Now yes, he might have been “hurt” or disappointed or even devastated or whatever, but *not* because of any wrong-doing on your part.  Rhetorically: Would you jump from a bridge with him just so he would not have to go alone?  Of course not, and no matter how badly his aloneness might “hurt” him at the time.

>> he knows that I don't want to sit back and have him think that it was okay to do what he is doing.

Sure, and so he has since tried to shift the blame onto you to cover his doings.  The man is trapped in his selfishness, self-centeredness and self-pity, and his only hope at the moment is to take a hostage!  To wit, and in your own words:

>> ... he pretty much blamed the demise of our relationship on my inability to commit and to stick by him.

... and thus would he attempt to manipulate you into decorating the walls of his pity party.

>> He doesn't even seem to want to get back together and work things out because of what I have done.

No, not because of “what you have done”, but because he already knows what you will *not* do!

Stand firm, Elizabeth, and consider allowing me to show you more of “The Steps” as you have never seen them!

Peace to you,

Joseph Lee O.
leejosepho@hotmail.com

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Greetings to you, Elizabeth.

You have written:

>> I am in desperate need of some help ...
>> What the heck is wrong with me?

As with all human beings: depravity.  We do not know the right way to live, and neither do we have the power to do so.  We know what we want and we know what we feel, but we only think we actually know how to live and that we can do so successfully.  We believe we will be happy if we get what we want, and we believe we are happy when we seem to feel okay.  However, the bottom line is still inescapable:

“If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient ... many of us would have recovered long ago.  But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried.  We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn't there.  Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly.
“Lack of power, that was our dilemma.  We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves.  Obviously.  But where and how were we to find this Power?
“Well, that's exactly what this book is about.  Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, pages 44-45)

I must be off to work at the moment, but I will get back to you here soon ...

Joseph Lee O.