Expert: Rebos - 6/18/2007

Question
QUESTION: Is there anything i can do to help him quit? my husband is a alcholic and tonight he got physical with me and one of my children and actually changed the story and said i came after him.  is there hope

ANSWER:

Good morning Lisa and thank you for your question.

You have to understand that you are totally powerless over your husband’s drinking. You must stop trying to control something that you cannot control. I strongly recommend that you start to attend Al-Anon meetings and depending on the age of your children they should attend Al-Ateen meetings. You and your children may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your lives by having an alcoholic in it. At Alanon meetings you will find out what you can do to help your husband, by first learning to help yourself. Until you are armed with the right information about the disease and its implications, your efforts to help him will be for nothing. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to go to AlAnon remember that dirty four letter word TIME. Give it time to work, and NEVER MAKE ANY THREAT TO HIM THAT YOU ARE NOT 100% PREPARED TO FOLLOW THROUGH ON!!!!!!

Your husband should never be rewarded for any of his irresponsible actions. He must be held responsible for them. Something must be done to stop his spiral downward. It is very common for an alcoholic to lie about their drinking. They will usually lie at the drop of a hat to protect their right to drink, which is what he is doing when he blamed you for starting the recent physical situation you described.

Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, insidious and powerful. It has no cure…once an alcoholic always an alcoholic! So to speak…“once you turn a cucumber into a pickle, you can never change it back to a cucumber”. The good news is that there is recovery from the disease and it is accomplished “just one day at a time.” I’m sure that you have heard that saying before. It has been my experience to have never seen an alcoholic recover on their own willpower for the long haul.

No one can scare an alcoholic into stop drinking. All the threatening and begging in the world will not get them to stop doing what they cannot do on their own. Don't for one second think that your husband does not want to stop drinking… he can't stop when left to his own devices. Don't be fooled into thinking that he will stop drinking on his own willpower just because he says that he will. It's not that he will purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he knows that he can’t stop. Unless your husband goes to a program like Alcoholics Anonymous he is destined to die from one of the many complications of drinking alcoholically, get involved negatively with the law or end up in a mental institution plus destroy you and the children in the process. Counseling may be good for him (if you can get him there) but what he needs is a support group like AA so that he can identify with other alcoholics and change his lifestyle.

It is generally believed (in AA which has the best track record for recovery) that alcoholism is a three-fold disease… mental, physical, and spiritual. The “mental part”; deals with the thought that precedes the first drink...thinking about the drink in between the drinks…a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. The “physical part” is that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over and the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them. And last but not least, the “spiritual part” of the illness. Not spiritual in a religious way, but in the loss of values and a willingness to settle for less and less as his drinking continues. Stopping drinking, for an alcoholic, is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease; the AMA says it is, but your husband must be held responsible for his irresponsible actions including his disruption of the family. Drinking alcoholically is a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that your husband must be face up to in order for him to recover. Without your husband learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before he will drink again. For an alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing to beer or wine, or even switching to the near beer with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or mind-altering substances (drugs). The exception is a doctor’s prescription as long as he or she knows that the patient is an addict!

Each one of us has a breaking point, especially so when we see a person that we care for destroying their life. It is important to understand that your husband is a very sick person who has a “disease”, BUT YET MUST BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS. It is also important for you to hate the disease and not your husband. Alcoholism is a disease that affects not only the alcoholic, but all those who have the unfortunate experience of having any contact with an alcoholic.

I can’t advise you as what to do, but I will say this…If your husband is allowed to continue drinking, doesn’t turn himself in to a detox clinic, and then continue to faithfully go to AA EVERY DAY after his detoxification is over, you are setting yourself up to living a miserable, unhappy and abusive life.  Alcoholism never gets better…it only gets worse. In any case you have to be strong and insist that he does something about stopping drinking. Measure your words carefully before you say anything to him about him stopping drinking; say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t be mean when you say it! Once again remember it is most important for you to NEVER make any threat to your husband that you are not 100% willing to follow through with!

I hope that you don’t become an “enabler”. It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Any verbal or physical abuse by him toward you should not be tolerated at all. If this is so a restraining order against him would be in order to remove him from the house. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. If an enabler has no special knowledge of alcoholism recovery and try to help, your husband will sense your weakness and continue on drinking because he knows that he will be forgiven again and again. I hope that you do not turn into such a person. He will eventually have you believing that you are the problem and not his drinking.

Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet!

The following is what the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism suggests when dealing with an alcoholic.

“Getting an alcoholic into treatment can be a challenging situation. An alcoholic cannot be forced to get help except under certain circumstances, such as when a violent incident results in police being called or following a medical emergency. This doesn't mean, however, that you have to wait for a crisis to make an impact. Based on clinical experience, many alcoholism treatment specialists recommend the following steps to help an alcoholic accept treatment:

Stop all "rescue missions." Family members and friends often try to protect an alcoholic from the results of their behavior by making excuses to others about their drinking and by getting him out of alcohol-related jams. It is important to stop all such rescue attempts immediately, so that the alcoholic will fully experience the harmful effects of his or her drinking--and thereby become more motivated to stop.

Time your intervention. Plan to talk with the drinker shortly after an alcohol-related problem has occurred--for example, a serious family argument in which drinking played a part or an alcohol-related accident. Also choose a time when he or she is sober, when both of you are in a calm frame of mind, and when you can speak privately.

Be specific. Tell the family member that you are concerned about his or her drinking and want to be supportive in getting help. Back up your concern with examples of the ways in which his or her drinking has caused problems for both of you, including the most recent incident.

State the consequences. Tell the family member that until he or she gets help, you will carry out consequences--not to punish the drinker, but to protect yourself from the harmful effects of the drinking. These may range from refusing to go with the person to any alcohol-related social activities to moving out of the house. Do not make any threats you are not prepared to carry out.

Be ready to help. Gather information in advance about local treatment options. If the person is willing to seek help, call immediately for an appointment with a treatment program counselor. Offer to go with the family member on the first visit to a treatment program and/or AA meeting.

Call on a friend. If the family member still refuses to get help, ask a friend to talk with him or her, using the steps described above. A friend who is a recovering alcoholic may be particularly persuasive, but any caring, nonjudgmental friend may be able to make a difference. The intervention of more than one person, more than one time, is often necessary to persuade an alcoholic person to seek help.

Find strength in numbers. With the help of a professional therapist, some families join with other relatives and friends to confront an alcoholic as a group. While this approach may be effective, it should only be attempted under the guidance of a therapist who is experienced in this kind of group intervention.

Get support. Whether or not the alcoholic family member seeks help, you may benefit from the encouragement and support of other people in your situation. Support groups offered in most communities include Al-Anon, which holds regular meetings for spouses and other significant adults in an alcoholic's life, and Alateen, for children of alcoholics. These groups help family members understand that they are not responsible for an alcoholic's drinking and that they need to take steps to take care of themselves, regardless of whether the alcoholic family member chooses to get help”. (End of suggestions)

I don’t want to overburden you with any more details than I have already written, but remember that whether or not your husband does anything about his drinking problem… you should go to Al-Anon! I hope that I have helped you with my answer. If you have any specific questions feel free to write me again. Thank you, Rebos


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thank you so much for your responce! My children are 9 and 10 are they to young for al-ateen? If so are there any programs out there to help the younger children who are in this situation?

Answer
Good morning Lisa and thank you for your follow up.

Alateen has groups of children of between 8 and 12 years old. They are called "young alateen" or "pre-alateen". I suggest that you call your local Alanon Central Office or their National Office and ask where and if they have such meetings in your area.

Thank you Rebos