Expert: Rebos - 9/7/2007

Question
Hello there. I'm new to this stuff. My husband tends to drink 1/2 a case a beer every night after he comes home from work. It's gotten to the point where he's up til 4-6am drinking, doesn't cuddle much with me anymore, some times says mean things to me, and makes me feel invisible. How can I Help Him? He's asked me to help him, but I'm new to this.

Answer


Good morning Ashley and thank you for your question.

First; if your husband drinks a lot of beer then he drinks a lot of alcohol. For every 12 ounce can of beer that your husband drinks it is the same as him drinking 1-1/4 ounces of hard 80- proof whiskey! So if your husband drinks 5- twelve ounce cans of beer then he might as well have drunk 6-1/4 ounces of 80- proof Whiskey. Almost a 1/2 pint every day! Of course that doesn’t even figure in what he drinks that you don’t know about!

Second; it really doesn’t make any difference as to how much he drinks, who he drinks it with or where he drinks it. The important thing is, what does it do to him when he drinks it? I can’t say if your husband is an alcoholic or not, but if his drinking is causing problems at home or in your marriage… then it is a problem!

If your husband really wants help to stop drinking… then he should go to a detoxification clinic, get detoxed, some counseling, learn that there is no shame in being an alcoholic (the shame is in doing nothing about it) and after his stay at the detox clinic go to Alcoholics Anonymous. Their phone number can be found in the yellow pages of any directory. When your husband gets out of detox if he doesn’t go to AA on that day or night then he really doesn’t want to get well, he was just doing it for you, and that usually doesn’t work. He must go to AA on a continual basis if he wants to stay sober for the long haul… one day at a time.

If you intend to stay married to your husband (which I assume that you do) for your well being I would recommend that you go to Alanon. You may not be able to do anything about stopping your husband’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic in it. At Alanon you will find out what you can do to help him by first learning to help yourself. Until you are armed with knowledge of the disease and its implications, your efforts to help him will be for nothing. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. Your husband should never be rewarded for his irresponsible actions. He must be held responsible and accountable for them. Something must be done to stop his spiral downward. It is very common for an alcoholic to lie about their drinking. They will lie at the drop of a hat to protect their right to drink. That is what alcoholics do! Social drinkers don’t have to lie about their drinking, or find excuses to continue drinking. You can be sure that if he does nothing about his drinking that your life will get worse as time goes by. Fortunately in Al-Anon (which I hope that you do go to) you have to do it just “one day at a time”. Families of alcoholics often have special emotional, social and financial problems. Tense emotional situations often make people say things that they don’t mean. If you can, concentrate on your own behavior, and become aware of your own emotional and mental attitude you will gain an advantage over your husband’s need to drink. Everyone who lives with an alcoholic is bound to be affected. Your thinking may become distorted and confused, and you may resent your husband and the conditions that his drinking creates. Alcoholism, in its own way is contagious. Its not that everyone in the family will go out and get drunk, but it has a negative effect on children, you and your relationship with your husband. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). Al-Anon is where you will get better. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). Al-Anon is where you will get better.    

It is not a matter of willpower for an alcoholic to stop drinking. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for your husband to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as “white knuckle sobriety”. It isn’t very long before he will have to drink again. FOR AN ALCOHOLIC THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CUTTING DOWN, trying to control drinking, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, or even switching to “near beer” with 0.05% alcohol. For the alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs).

I don’t want to overburden you with any more details than I have already written. If you have any specific questions feel free to ask me in a follow-up.
Thank you, Rebos.