Expert: Rebos - 12/22/2005

Question
Hi, this is the first time i'm discussing this with an expert and I hope it is my first step in helping my husband. My husband thinks he is a social drinker however he drinks on average 4 or 5 days a week with friends or with me on the weekends. His tolerance level is very high and he can drink a lot.  He leaves work sometimes to drink and we fight about his drinking every second month.  His father is an acoholic and I know that if I sit back and accept his behavior, he will soon become an alcoholic himself.  Many of his family and friends drink quite heavily as well so my husband thinks it's okay.  My biggest fear is him driving home drunk and not making it home.  Am I making a big deal about this, is he just a social drinker, am I a nag like he says? I don't want to sit back and do nothing and then wake up years from now regretting it.  I think he is well on his path of becoming an alcoholic.  He loves drinking so much, it is such a big part of his lifestyle.  What steps can I take to help him realize he has a problem?  God knows, I've communicated this issue to him enough and my words haven't made any difference.  I just want him to cut down his drinking and not jeapordize his health or our family.  Should I take him to our family doctor first or should we go to a counselor?  Any advice would be appreciated.  Thanks.

Answer
Good afternoon Nina:

Thank you for your question. I will try to give you
some information that will
at least start you off in the right direction.

Let me first say “If drinking causes
problems then…
IT IS A PROBLEM!” The fact that you are
questioning your husband's drinking
you have raised it as a problem in your marriage.

It is very easy for those who are close to an
alcoholic to become
“enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an
alcoholic to continue
drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the
alcoholic's actions and not
holding them accountable for their unacceptable
behavior. Unacceptable behavior
can be defined as anything that
one partner in a marriage or relationship finds
as unacceptable for the marriage to
continue in the direction that it is headed.
Such may be real or imagined
If an enabler has no special knowledge or
training in the field of alcoholism and they try to
help, an alcoholic
can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler
and they continue on
drinking because they know that they will be forgiven
and rescued time and
time again… and again. In a backhanded way you would be giving
your husband “permission” to drink by your
continued acceptance of
his unacceptable behavior. What ever you decide to do it
should be based upon
your head talking and not your heart. Don't let your
actions appear to be
allowing him to continue drinking. If you continue on
the road that you
are on you haven't seen anything yet. Alcoholism is a
progressive disease
it only gets worse it never gets better on its own.

What ever you do never make any threats to your husband
UNLESS you are certain that you will
follow thru with your threat.
There is nothing wrong with going into counseling
as long as he also starts to
attend AA meetings. Unless there is a reason
for him to see his doctor to check his general health
I don't think it will help.
Giving him a pill will not solve your husband drinking alcoholically. Remember that you can't be
his mother and watch him 24 hours a day.
It is my personal opinion that he should attend AA meetings
To find out what his real problem is.
There is no shame
being an alcoholic…the shame is in doing nothing about it

I would strongly recommend that you start to attend
Alanon meetings. If you go to Alanon you
will find that your problem is not
quite as unique as you may think. At Alanon you would learn how
to live with
having an alcoholic in your life, and learn the truth
about the disease of
alcoholism. Alanon is intended to help YOU and not the Alcoholic
directly. In order for you to be able to help
him you must first learn to help
yourself. At Alanon you would meet people who have
an alcoholic in their
lives too, and that their own lives had become
unmanageable as a result of
it. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone
who comes into contact
with an alcoholic.

Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people who need help, but
they must be held responsible
for their actions! You
may not be able to do anything about your husband's
drinking but you can
do something about the problem that has developed
in your life by having
an alcoholic in it. Until you are armed with the right
kind of information, knowledge
and implications of the disease, your efforts to help
him will not work.
Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and
everyone who comes
into contact with it. If you do not have Alanon's local number call the
following toll-free numbers:
1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

It is generally believed, by many in the field of alcoholism, that it is a
Three fold disease: Mental, Physical, and Spiritual.
The “mental” part of the illness
is the mental obsession to drink that precedes
the first drink... a pre-occupation
with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that
an alcoholic must
drink. The
“physical” aspect of the disease is, that once the
first drink is downed
a physical compulsion takes over in the form of a deep
incessant craving
that the alcoholic must continue to drink until some
outside incident
stops them or they pass out. The “spiritual” part of
the illness (not
spiritual in a religious way) but, is in the loss of an
alcoholic's values, and
a willingness to settle for less and less as the
drinking continues. It
becomes difficult for the alcoholic to determine the
difference between
right and wrong or good and bad. The alcoholic
develops a change in
priorities where drinking becomes more important than
health, family, job
and friends.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower.
Alcoholism is a disease.
Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper
underlying problem
that must be faced up to in order for an alcoholic to
recover. Without
learning what that problem is, trying to stay away
from a drink is known
as "white knuckle sobriety". It isn't very long before
an alcoholic has
to drink again. For an alcoholic there is no such
thing as cutting down,
drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink,
smoking pot or taking
other mind altering drugs or even switching to “near
beer” with 0.5%
alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of
total and complete
abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or
other mind-altering
substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a
medical doctor's
prescription as long as the doctor understands that he
is dealing with an
addicted person. Unfortunately, all alcoholics must
hit their own bottom
before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to
say that hitting a
bottom for some may mean going as low as a person
can go...plus six
feet! Don't let him take you there with him. Being the
spouse or child of an active alcoholic
can be devastating to all concerned.
As far as your husband
Cutting down or changing his drinking habits
forget it…it does not work! Never has and never will.
Until he “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing
him and the family problems there
is little you can do for him. No one can scare an
alcoholic into stopping
drinking. Cajoling, hand-wringing, threatening,
begging and even putting
him away against his will, will not get him to stop
doing what he has not
made up his own mind to do. Don't think that he does
not want to stop, he
can't stop when left to his own devices. Also, don't
be lulled into
thinking that he will stop drinking just
because he says that
he will. It's not that he will purposely lie to you…
but he will lie to
himself because down deep he is afraid to stop.
Alcoholism is
powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. An active
alcoholic's choices
become limited to: attending a recovery program like
AA, or entering an
in-patient detoxification clinic that has an after
care outpatient
program. He needs some distance between him and his last drink.
If he does nothing about stopping then he is
destined to die a
drunk's death, get involved negatively with the law (if he hasn't
already) or
end up in a mental
institution. I am sorry to be blunt, but I am only
stating what you
probably already know. I have never seen an alcoholic
stop drinking on
willpower alone. The disease is too powerful.

False pride and fear
has a lot to do with anyone not wanting to do
anything about a drug and/or
drinking problem

Below you will find 12 questions that can be used
to determine whether your
husband is having a problem or not. They must be answered
truthfully in order for them to
be meaningful. The questions are normally
directed to the drinker,
but if you think you know what your husband's
drinking pattern is you may
find them interesting. But remember, your
husband is the only
one who can make the decision as to him being
an alcoholic or not, enough to
want to do anything about it.

1. Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so,
but only lasted for a couple of days?

2. Do you wish that people would mind their own
business about your drinking and stop telling you what to do?

3. Have you ever switched from one
drink to another in the hope that this would keep you
from getting drunk?

4. Have you ever had an eye-opener upon wakening
during the past year?

5. Do you envy people who can drink
without getting into trouble?

6. Have you had any problems connected with
drinking during the past year?

7. Has your drinking caused trouble at home?

8. Do you ever try to get extra drinks at a party
because you do not get enough?

9. Do you tell yourself that you can stop drinking
any time you want to, even
though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?

10. Have you missed days at work or school
because of drinking?

11. Do you have "blackouts"? A blackout is when
you have been drinking there
are periods of time that you can't remember.

12. Have you ever felt that your life would be
better if you did not drink?

IF YOU ANSWER YES TO 4 OR MORE QUESTIONS then
you are probably in trouble with alcohol.



The following is what the National Institute on
Alcohol Abuse and
Alcoholism suggests when dealing with an
alcoholic:

Getting an alcoholic into treatment can be a
challenging situation. An
alcoholic cannot be forced to get help except
under certain circumstances,
such as when a violent incident results in police
being called or
following a medical emergency. This doesn't mean,
however, that you have
to wait for a crisis to make an impact. Based on
clinical experience, many
alcoholism treatment specialists recommend the
following steps to help an
alcoholic accept treatment:

Stop all "rescue missions." Family members and
friends often try to
protect an alcoholic from the results of their
behavior by making excuses
to others about their drinking and by getting him
out of alcohol-related
jams. It is important to stop all such rescue
attempts immediately, so
that the alcoholic will fully experience the
harmful effects of his or her
drinking--and thereby become more motivated to
stop.

Time your intervention. Plan to talk with the
drinker shortly after an
alcohol-related problem has occurred--for
example, a serious family
argument in which drinking played a part or an
alcohol-related accident.
Also choose a time when he or she is sober, when
both of you are in a calm
frame of mind, and when you can speak privately.

Be specific. Tell the family member that you are
concerned about his or
her drinking and want to be supportive in getting
help. Back up your
concern with examples of the ways in which his or
her drinking has caused
problems for both of you, including the most
recent incident.
State the consequences. Tell the family member
that until he or she gets
help, you will carry out consequences--not to
punish the drinker, but to
protect yourself from the harmful effects of the
drinking. These may range
from refusing to go with the person to any
alcohol-related social
activities to moving out of the house. Do not
make any threats you are not
prepared to carry out.

Be ready to help. Gather information in advance
about local treatment
options. If the person is willing to seek help,
call immediately for an
appointment with a treatment program counselor.
Offer to go with the
family member on the first visit to a treatment
program and/or AA meeting.

Call on a friend. If the family member still
refuses to get help, ask a
friend to talk with him or her, using the steps
described above. A friend
who is a recovering alcoholic may be particularly
persuasive, but any
caring, nonjudgmental friend may be able to make
a difference. The
intervention of more than one person, more than
one time, is often
necessary to persuade an alcoholic person to seek
help.

Find strength in numbers. With the help of a
professional therapist, some
families join with other relatives and friends to
confront an alcoholic as
a group. While this approach may be effective, it
should only be attempted
under the guidance of a therapist who is
experienced in this kind of group
intervention.

Get support. Whether or not the alcoholic family
member seeks help, you
may benefit from the encouragement and support of
other people in your
situation. Support groups offered in most
communities include Al-Anon,
which holds regular meetings for spouses and
other significant adults in
an alcoholic's life, and Alateen, for children of
alcoholics. These groups
help family members understand that they are not
responsible for an
alcoholic's drinking and that they need to take
steps to take care of
themselves, regardless of whether the alcoholic
family member chooses to
get help.

I wish you the very best and I hope that I have not
taken too much liberty
with you in the way I have responded to your question.
Alcoholism is deadly and it
and not a matter to be taken lightly.
Sometimes the truth
is hardest of all to face up to. You can be
sure of one thing “The Good
Fairy”, his doctor, or a counselor
is not going to tap
him on the shoulder and
make him “all better”.
Its going to take a lot of hard work and
dedication on his part
to want to change his life. BUT,
its done one day at a time.

If I can be of further help please do
not hesitate to
contact me again through Allexperts.. I
would welcome hearing on
how things work out for you.
Thank you, Rebos.