Expert: Rebos - 9/11/2006

Question
Hi Rebos,
At the moment i am at a pretty low point in life. My boyfriend just broke up with me because of the way i behave when we are in social situations. I drink too much and never want to go home when it is time. This is not the first relationship that has ended as a consequence to my drinking. I do not drink every day or even every weekend, but when i do drink i drink excessive amounts. I drink to get drunk. I think the underlying problem is my self esteem and i used to suffer from extreme anxiety attacks which i thought i had under control by prescription antidepressents. It has controlled my anxiety to a point but i still drink alcohol when i go out. I have alot of self doubt and bad self image, even tho i know that i am very pretty, if i cant look into a mirror to reashure myself then i forget and become unconfident. I have lost alot of friends, my family do not invite me out in social situations and this has ended many other relationships too. I am in the process of establishing a business but keep putting it off due to my lack of confidence even tho i know i will be very successful. Its like i have two thought waves at all times, there is the confident me that is ready to take on the world and then there is the part of me that gives me doubt and holds me back. I have alot of guilt and i dont like who i am at times. I really want help for my problem. Awaiting your reply. Natalie

Answer
Good morning Natalie:

Thank you for your question. I will do my best to give you some advice as to how you should proceed…and I hope that you take it from someone who has been associated with drinking problems for over 36 years.

You didn’t once write that you think that you may be an alcoholic… and that is a good sign that you may be one! If you are an alcoholic you have become powerless over the drug alcohol. Have you ever considered that you are having a drinking problem and that you may be an alcoholic? It is a question that you will have to answer truthfully if you are to get free from the disease and all of its implications. You say that you drink to feel better about yourself, but just think of where the drink takes you…you are full of guilt and remorse as a result of your drinking.

You do realize that alcohol is a depressant and you certainly are depressed. Just think that you drink to make you happy and it works the opposite way.

Below you will find 12 questions that can be used to determine whether your boyfriend is having a problem or not. They must be answered truthfully in order for them to be meaningful.

1. Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?

2. Do you wish that people would mind their own business about your drinking and stop telling you what to do?

3. Have you ever switched from one drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?

4. Have you ever had an eye-opener upon wakening during the past year?

5. Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?

6. Have you had any problems connected with drinking during the past year?

7. Has your drinking caused trouble at home?

8. Do you ever try to get extra drinks at a party because you do not get enough?

9. Do you tell yourself that you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?

10. Have you missed days at work or school because of drinking?

11. Do you have "blackouts"? A blackout is when you have been drinking there are periods of time that you can't remember.

12. Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink?

IF YOU ANSWER YES TO 4 OR MORE QUESTIONS then you are probably in trouble with alcohol.

From what you wrote of your background it appears that you can answer yes to more that the four questions to have you concerned! But I am sure that you already know that! So the question is, “What do you want to do about it”?  For the purpose of my answer to you… I am going to assume that you have already spoken to a counselor or at least your doctor (since you are taking medication) for your depression.

First, let me say that you are the only one who can tell if you are an alcoholic and have it be meaningful to the point where you want to do anything about it. You must remember that alcoholism like any other addiction is a “disease of denial”. It tries to fool you into thinking that there is no problem, when there is one.

Secondly, if you have to think about controlling your drinking you have already lost control of it. Social drinkers don’t have to think about control, they can take it or leave it without any thought about how many or how few they should drink at any given time.

Thirdly, IF DRINKING CAUSES PROBLEMS THEN IT IS A PROBLEM! If you are concerned, then that concern in itself is enough of a problem for you to seriously consider abstinence from booze. It doesn’t make any difference of what you drink, how much you drink…who you drink it with or where you drink it. The question that you have to ask yourself is, “What does it do to you when you drink it”. There is no shame in being an alcoholic...the shame is in doing nothing about it!

Not remembering what you might have done at times when you are drunk is called a “blackout”. What is really happening is “alcoholic amnesia”. Each time you have a blackout some brain cells die. The end result is what is called A WET BRAIN. It’s like a prize fighter that gets hit in the head too many times, after a while he is in another world.

You appear to be a young, person and with any luck you can have a long, healthy and productive life ahead of you. However if you are willing to take the gamble on continuing to drink, I guarantee you that there is lots and lots of trouble ahead for you. I am not trying to frighten you, but believe me when I say that you have no idea, if you are an alcoholic, of what awaits you if you continue to drink. Another symptom of alcoholism that you described is having a personality change when you drink. It is known as a Doctor Jeckell and Mr. Hyde syndrome.

I would strongly advise you to go to some meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. Recovery from the disease of Alcoholism is not a “do it yourself” disease. At AA meetings you will find people, some of who are where you are at now and some with long term sobriety. They will be pleased to help you if you want help. AA‘s telephone number can be found in your local phone book. I endorse it highly. If you can I would delay starting up you new business venture until you get well into your recovery stage! If your friends can’t stand you then what are your customers, suppliers, etc going to think about you. I believe that you are setting your self up to fail at your business venture! AA will put you on the road to recovery depending on how serious you are to recover from this deadly disease. You may think that you are ready…but to recover you will have to go up against a very powerful adversary (alcohol) that will do everything possible to control your life. “You are an addict” and it will probably be the hardest thing for you to do up to this point in your life.

It is generally believed, by many in the field of alcoholism, that it is a three-fold disease: Mental, Physical, and Spiritual.

The “mental” part of the illness is not about the crazy things that drunks do when they drink but, it has to do with the “mental obsession” to drink even before the drink is picked up... a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that an alcoholic must drink, even though they know what the end result will be. The “physical” aspect of the disease is, not that a person is destroying their health, (liver, pancreas, brain damage etc.) but, it is the physical compulsion that sets in after the first drink is downed. The physical compulsion to continue to drink takes over in the form of a deep incessant craving that an alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them or they pass out. The “spiritual” part of the illness (has nothing to do with religion) has to do with the loss of an alcoholic’s values, and a willingness to settle for less and less as their drinking continues. It becomes difficult for an alcoholic to determine the difference between right and wrong or good and bad. The alcoholic develops a change in priorities where drinking becomes more important than health, family, job and friends.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that you will eventually have to face up to in order to stop drinking for the long haul. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before you will continue to drink again and again no matter how many times you may promise to stop drinking. For any alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, or even switching to “near beer” with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor understands that he or she is dealing with an addicted person. Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet!

I hope that I have not offended you by my answer, but you are talking about your very life. Get some help…go to AA and give it a chance to work…take the suggestions seriously and listen to the old timers (men and women) who have been where you are at now. I would wish you good luck, but your recovery will have nothing to do with luck…it will have to do with lots of hard work…but it will be worth it. I will be interested in your progress…if you have any further questions please contact me again. Thank you Rebos