Expert: Rebos - 8/4/2007

Question
My husband and I have been married almost 14 years.  We were married when we were young, I was 19 and he was 20.  He drank before we were married with his friends, but I just thought that was a social thing and didn't think much about it.  My dad used to have a beer or two a couple of times a week, and he isn’t an alcoholic.
He used to have a pretty hefty anger streak when we were younger.  He’s never physically hurt me.  Fortunately, his anger has subsided greatly over the years, either that or he’s much better able to control it.  He’s what I think of as a functioning alcoholic.  He goes to work, works two very good jobs, excels in both and is a wonderful provider for our family.  He is a great dad to our 5 year old and 1 year old.  But over the years, the drinking has gotten worse and worse.  I finally blew a gasket about three months ago when I realized he was drinking anywhere from 12 to 18 beers a night--again.  He isn’t a mean drunk unless he drinks liquor (which he rarely does), but he gets really talkative and his speech has a very slight slur in it.  Mainly, I can tell he’s drank too much by this particular laugh that he does when he’s telling a story (of which there are many when he’s drunk).  It’s amazing how that particular laugh can send me over the edge and make me so angry and hurt.  It’s an instant trigger for me to get really mad and to draw away from him.
Next, I should mention that his mom and dad are/were alcoholics (his mom died of unrelated cancer back in 1995).  They divorced when he was about 6.  His mom married another alcoholic and she lost custody of him to his dad because of her alcoholism and poor choices.  His dad raised him and his step-mom is not an alcoholic at all.  But her sons are, and they are a little older than my husband.  Therefore, he looked up to them growing up.
Also, my husband’s a firefighter.  His “other” job is as a Paramedic.  He’s been doing these jobs for 10 years now.  The problem is that I don’t think he could get help without putting his jobs at risk.  I may be totally wrong, but I haven’t checked further into it.
Here’s my dilemma.  I told him after the 12 to 18 beer a night incident that he has got to quit drinking or the kids and I are leaving.  I laid down the law and said that he needs to do whatever it is that he needs to do to quit and I would be there with him every step of the way.  His answer was to wean off.  So he weaned off.  Then he decided to start drinking near-beer.  I thought that was a great alternative.  Then one night it dawned on me that he may be using it to hide the smell of real beer on his breath.  He walked in the door and I went towards him to kiss him and he took off, practically running to the refrigerator and hurriedly opened up a “near beer” and took a drink.  I literally chased him across the room to the refrigerator.  It was so sad and completely ridiculous.  I was SOOOOO mad.  He had betrayed me.  But, of course, after he promised he’d do better, I let it go.  Then we were on vacation last week—only a month later from the above incident.  Things were great until the last night.   I went out to the truck when he didn’t return to the hotel room after an hour, and he was in it drinking beer.  That was Sunday.  This is Friday.  I haven’t said 10 words to him since, including the 8 hour drive back home because I’m trying to determine what to do.  I’m a very private person and my parents who I’m close to don’t even know that he has this problem.  The only person I talk to about it is my best friend and she lives 1000 miles away.  I rarely talk to her about it because I don’t want to hear myself complain.  I’ve become very withdrawn over the years and I’ve lost a lot of my “self” over the years.  I’m not a happy person anymore, I’m very insecure, and I’ve been this way for a long time.  I put on a great front at work, but I know the truth about who I really am, or am not.  And honestly, I’m scared to death to leave him because of my kids.  I did not grow up in a divorced family.  I don’t know how it will affect my little ones, and I know they will still be seeing their dad when he’s not at work.  I really think I could get along without him and I know that I’d probably be happier, but then again, I’m a “second-guesser” and I know that I’ll always wonder “what if?”  I just don’t like him anymore.  I’m always having to be on alert to what he may be pulling, what he’s drinking, not drinking, etc., but he has blatantly been deceitful lately and that’s not acceptable to me.  Should I leave?  What the heck should I do?
Thanks so much for your input.  It feels good just talking about it some.
P.S.  We tried marital counseling for this problem 7 years ago.  It didn’t really work and somewhat made things worse.


Answer
Good afternoon Angela and thank you for your in depth question.

Let me get some of the easier things off my mind first. Over the years I personally have known (and still do) many dozens of Firefighter/Paramedics that are recovering alcoholics in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Unless there is some unwritten rule in your area that punishes employees for having a disease (the American Medical Association says that it is a disease) then I am at a loss for words. Just like Police Officers… Firefighters/Paramedics have very stressful jobs, but in general that is just a lame excuse for defending their right to continue drinking. Those that don’t seek help usually end up (I’m sorry to say) killing themselves, their partners or some poor sole that is depending on his help. It has been my observation that the best Firefighters are sober Firefighters, and it just so happens that the best ones are sober alcoholics who are active in AA, because their outlook on life has changed dramatically.


Next; you say that you made no progress when you and your husband went to marriage counseling… I am not surprised that it did not work for you. You should have been directed to Al-Anon and your husband been told to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. Did the question of your concern about your husband’s drinking come up? I’m guessing that it didn’t. If it was mentioned the counselor should have directed you both to where the problem could be solved… AA and Al-Anon. Your husband must become honest about his drinking problem. You being married to an alcoholic would have benefited going to Al-Anon whether or not your husband went to AA. That is what I strongly recommend that you do as soon as possible! I assume that you know what Al-Anon is. Alcoholism is a “family” disease. You can either start YOUR recovery process now – or keep the illness going. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your husband’s drinking is to gain knowledge and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Al-Anon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide not to go to Al-Anon the least that you can do is to stop trying to control something that you can not control.

You are totally powerless over your husband’s drinking and your life and your children’s lives will become unmanageable, unless your husband stops drinking. If he doesn’t stop or can’t stop drinking you are setting yourself up for a life of misery, uncertainty, and unhappiness. When a person has to be thinking about controlling their drinking they have already lost control. Never make any threat to him that you are not 100% willing to follow through on.  

If your husband drinks a lot of beer he drinks a lot of alcohol. There is the SAME AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL in one 12-ounce can of beer, as there is in 1-1/4 ounces of 80-proof hard liquor. So if your husband drinks (say on the low end 16 cans) of beer a day then he is drinking the same as if he drank 20 ounces of  hard liquor. THAT’S ONE PINT AND A QUARTER OF 80 PROOF LIQUOR every day. Plus you have no idea of how much really drinks beyond that amount. Alcohol is alcohol in no matter what he drinks. So remember it’s the alcohol that is getting him drunk. The alcohol doesn’t have a brain to say that I am different than hard liquor, so your husband whether he believes it or not… is drinking the equivalent of OVER THREE QUARTS OF 80 PROOF HARD liquor a week, and that’s a lot of alcohol!

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for an alcoholic to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as “white knuckle sobriety”. It isn’t very long before your husband will have to drink again and again. FOR THE ALCOHOLIC THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CUTTING DOWN, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, or even switching to “near beer” with 0.05% alcohol. For the alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor understands that he/she is dealing with an addicted person.

Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, insidious and powerful. It has no cure…once an alcoholic always an alcoholic! So to speak…“once you make a cucumber into a pickle, you can never change it back to a cucumber”. The good news is that there is recovery from the disease and it is accomplished “just one day at a time.” I’m sure that you have heard that saying before. It has been my experience to have never seen an alcoholic recover on their own willpower for the long haul. All the threatening and begging in the world will not get them to stop doing what they cannot do on their own. Don't for one second think that your husband does not want to stop drinking… he can't stop when left to his own devices. Don't be fooled into thinking that he will stop drinking just because he says that he will. It's not that he will purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he knows that he can’t stop. You husband needs to get some distance between him and alcohol for a while, It may be a good idea that he turns himself in to a Detox Clinic to get some distance between him and his last drink. After his detoxification unless your husband seriously enters a program like AA (and strictly follows their suggestions) he is destined to die a drunk's death, get involved negatively with the law, or end up in a mental institution and destroy you in the process. When it comes right down to it your children will end up suffering the most! Their father’s drinking will affect them for the rest of their lives.

I would say that over the years that you may have become an “enabler” and that you have never seriously held your husband responsible for his behavior! It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. If you have no special knowledge about alcoholism and try to help, your husband can sense your ineptness and weakness and continue on drinking because he knows that he will be forgiven again and again. Al-Anon is where you will learn to not be an enabler and how to protect your children.

I can’t advise you as what to do, but I will say this…If your husband is allowed to continue drinking, and doesn’t get help from AA and continue to faithfully go to AA EVERY DAY, you are setting yourself up to living a miserable, unhappy and abusive life.  Alcoholism never gets better…it only gets worse. In any case you have to be strong and insist that he does something about stopping drinking. But once again, NEVER MAKE ANY THREAT TO HIM THAT YOU ARENOT WILLING TO FOLLOW THRU ON!

If I can be of further help to you feel free to send me a follow-up question. Thank you, Rebos