AboutRebos Expertise If you think that you or someone that you care about is having a problem with alcohol, ask me a question, I may be able to help you. I have over 39 years of experience dealing with alcohol recovery and I am willing to share that experience with you. Alcoholism is a disease, and there is no shame in being an alcoholic. The shame is in doing nothing about it!
Experience Over 39years of experience in the field of alcoholism and alcoholic recovery.
Question Hi,
My parents have been drinking every day for the last few years. They have been big drinkers for as long as i can remember. It started from drinking Fri-sun, then through to Monday, then it was from thurs to monday and then it became everyday. I have always hated it. I am 23 now and have 3 younger brothers, the youngest is 13. We all hate it.Both parents drink alot, but my father seems to handle it more. My Mum tends to be written off every night and you can't have a conversation with her after about 6pm.
I used to make small comments about their drinking and they would shrug it off. I moved out of home and she had mentioned that they had cut the drinking back to just weekends. Then a friend of theirs died and they got straight back on it 7 days a week. I moved back home and one night ended up in an argument with her because she asked me to buy a cask of wine for her, which wasn't unusual, and said it was for my Dad. I knew it was for both of them and years of frustration come out into a big fight. She was saying to me that It was my fault (i was a bit of trouble when I was a teen, mixed up in a bad relationship), she started telling my Dad and my brothers that I was just trying to turn them all against her and that I was trying to take my brothers away from her. My eldest brother stepped in and said he had a problem with it and that he was embarrassed by her but she just said that I had brainwashed him. I took it personally because I have always felt guilty about putting my parents through a couple of years of trauma from 16 to 19 years of age, but at this point I was 20 and had found a decent partner who I am still with today and treats me perfectly. It has taken me years to realise that it wasn't my fault, and isn't my fault because I have been out of home for 4 years now and haven't caused them the slightest bit of grief, but they are getting worse.
I am worried as her looks, health and even eyesight are deteriorating. My Dad had a heart attack 8 years ago and is still om medication for it.
My younger brothers, as I said, all hate it and we want to say something, and being the oldest I feel it is up to me to start it, but am afraid of the accustions being thrown at me again.
Although they drink everyday, they do go to work first and Mum has just finished a diploma at Tafe, so they don't just sit around and drink all day, but the second they get home they are into it.
My Mum has become really self absorbed. and she has a really shocking memory, we get told stuff 10 times over.
The other day I was over there at 5pm and bought her 5 packets of mince to use for dinners and then the next day she went shopping and bought mince!!!
Our whole family has noticed and have stopped visiting as regularly as they used to because they can't get a decent conversation out of her. They have offered me back-up help, incase she rants and raves when I approach them about their drinking, but i don't know how to start.
Although my boyfriend is great, he doesn't understand. His family are very independant, and he gets upset when I have to run them around because they are too drunk to drive. He says just take their casks off them but i feel that is the wrong approach. He doesn't really give me enough support there. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me, but i can't even talk to him about it or how i feel because he just says " do something about it, i'm sick of hearing about it".
What should I do?
Sorry this has been such a HUGE LONG letter!
I hope you have the time to get back to me.
Thanks heaps and I appreciate any information you can give me
Sharnee
Answer Good Afternoon Sharnee
Thank you for your question. I will do my best to give you some information that may help you with your dilemma. First no need to apologize for a long letter…you're dealing with a serious situation and I understand from where you are coming. However, my answer will probably be longer.
At the outset let me say that I found it interesting that not even once did you use the term “alcoholics” when you wrote of your parent's drinking history. From what you described there is no question in my mind that your parents are alcoholics and any action that you take should be based on that fact. You know the old saw “if it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and quacks like a duck then…it is a duck”!
Alcoholism is a deadly disease, which in your parent's minds, they deny having. That is one of the things that an addiction does to people. You may be interested in knowing how people in the business of alcoholic recovery define alcoholism… They say that it is a three-fold illness, Mental, Physical and Spiritual.
The “mental” part of the illness has nothing to do with the insane things that drunks usually do. It refers to the insane mental obsession to drink. If you will, the thought that precedes their first drink... a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that an alcoholic must drink. In so many words, thinking about a drink in between their drinks. The alcoholic never seems to worry about the drink in front of them… their problem is that they are always thinking about “the next one”.
The “physical” aspect of the disease is not that their physical health is being affected, with the shakes, liver disease, kidney or pancreas problems, or even hypoglycemia and brain damage. It is however, that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over in the form of a deep incessant craving that an alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them, or they pass out.
The “spiritual” part of the illness (not spiritual in a religious way) is a deterioration or loss of an alcoholic's values, and a willingness to settle for less and less as their drinking continues. It becomes difficult for the alcoholic to discern the difference between right and wrong, good and bad, or responsible and irresponsible. A personality change takes place and the alcoholic develops a change in priorities where drinking becomes more important than health, family, job and friends. Does this description sound like your mother and father?
What I am trying to say is that stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is just a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that an alcoholic must face up to in order to have any sort of quality recovery. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. For an alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, or even switching to “near beer” with 0.5% alcohol. Nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs)! Of course the exception is a medical doctor's prescription as long as the doctor understands that they are dealing with an addicted person.
With regard to how much your parents drink…it doesn't matter how much they drink, how often they drink, where they drink or even who they drink it with. What is important is… what does it do to them when they drink it? Remember, if drinking causes problems then it is a problem.
Concerning your mother not remembering things; it is generally due to the fact that when she is told something she may, at that time, have been in an “alcoholic blackout”. An alcoholic blackout is temporary amnesia brought about by drinking too much too long. She may act as though she is alert and “with it” (appearing normal), when in fact she is not. I personally have known doctors that have successfully operated on patients and did not remember that they did so. And by the way every time a person has a blackout they destroy some of their brain cells. Just like a boxer when he gets hit in the head too often he suffers brain damage.
There are all kinds of alcoholics: daily drinkers, binge drinkers, periodic drinkers, working drinkers and closet drinkers etc. A person does not have to be drunk every minute of the day, stumbling through the streets with a brown paper bag sticking out of their pocket to be considered a problem drinker. Some alcoholics even graduate college and achieve great success in their lives. It has nothing to do with being an alcoholic because down deep under their skin they remain miserable within themselves. It is great that your mother received a diploma, but it would have been more important for her to spend that time in getting help for her drinking problem. Some alcoholics get things like diplomas, run for office, go into the clergy etc to prove to the outside world (and themselves) that they are OK when they are not.
For your own sanity and the sanity of those who your mother and father are affecting I would strongly recommend that you attend Alanon meetings. Alanon is a recovery support group for those who have an alcoholic in their lives as you and your family members have. There are also groups known as Alateen for those youngsters who are not mature enough to go to Alanon. Your 13-year old brother would benefit greatly from Alateen. There may not be too much that you can do about your parents drinking until they want to do it for themselves. They have to reach the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. When they get to that point it would be a gift if they found their way to Alcoholics Anonymous where help for themselves can be found.
From your letter it seems as though you are in Great Britain and I am sure that you have Alanon meetings in your country. They can be reached at www.al-anon.alateen.org.
Below you will find 12 questions that can be used to determine whether your Mum and Dad are having a problem or not. They must be answered truthfully in order for them to be meaningful. The questions are normally directed to the drinker, but if you think you know what their drinking patterns really are you may find them interesting.
1. Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?
2. Do you wish that people would mind their own business about your drinking and stop telling you what to do?
3. Have you ever switched from one drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?
4. Have you ever had an eye-opener upon wakening during the past year?
5.Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?
6. Have you had any problems connected with drinking during the past year?
7. Has your drinking caused trouble at home?
8. Do you ever try to get extra drinks at a party because you do not get enough?
9. Do you tell yourself that you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?
10. Have you missed days at work or school because of drinking?
11. Do you have "blackouts"? A blackout is when you have been drinking there are periods of time that you can't remember.
12. Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink?
IF YOU ANSWER YES TO 4 OR MORE QUESTIONS then you are probably in trouble with alcohol.
Trying to get your Mum and Dad to stop drinking can be a challenging situation. Alcoholics cannot be forced to get help except under certain circumstances, such as when a violent incident results in police being called or following a medical emergency. This doesn't mean, however, that you have to wait for a crisis to make an impact.
Based on clinical experience, many alcoholism treatment specialists recommend the following steps to help an alcoholic accept treatment:
Stop all "rescue missions." Family members and
friends often try to
protect an alcoholic from the results of their
behavior by making excuses
to others about their drinking and by getting him
out of alcohol-related
jams. It is important to stop all such rescue
attempts immediately, so
that the alcoholic will fully experience the
harmful effects of his or her
drinking--and thereby become more motivated to
stop.
Time your intervention. Plan to talk with the
drinker shortly after an
alcohol-related problem has occurred--for
example, a serious family
argument in which drinking played a part or an
alcohol-related accident.
Also choose a time when he or she is sober, when
both of you are in a calm
frame of mind, and when you can speak privately.
Be specific. Tell the family member that you are
concerned about his or
her drinking and want to be supportive in getting
help. Back up your
concern with examples of the ways in which his or
her drinking has caused
problems for both of you, including the most
recent incident.
State the consequences. Tell the family member
that until he or she gets
help, you will carry out consequences--not to
punish the drinker, but to
protect yourself from the harmful effects of the
drinking. These may range
from refusing to go with the person to any
alcohol-related social
activities to moving out of the house. Do not
make any threats you are not
prepared to carry out.
Be ready to help. Gather information in advance
about local treatment
options. If the person is willing to seek help,
call immediately for an
appointment with a treatment program counselor.
Offer to go with the
family member on the first visit to a treatment
program and/or AA meeting.
Call on a friend. If the family member still
refuses to get help, ask a
friend to talk with him or her, using the steps
described above. A friend
who is a recovering alcoholic may be particularly
persuasive, but any
caring, nonjudgmental friend may be able to make
a difference. The
intervention of more than one person, more than
one time, is often
necessary to persuade an alcoholic person to seek
help.
Find strength in numbers. With the help of a
professional therapist, some
families join with other relatives and friends to
confront an alcoholic as
a group. While this approach may be effective, it
should only be attempted
under the guidance of a therapist who is
experienced in this kind of group
intervention.
Get support. Whether or not the alcoholic family
member seeks help, you
may benefit from the encouragement and support of
other people in your
situation. Support groups offered in most
communities include Al-Anon,
which holds regular meetings for spouses and
other significant adults in
an alcoholic's life, and Alateen, for children of
alcoholics.
I hope that I have helped you in some way by my answer to you. I probably haven't answered all of your questions because information given usually brings up more questions. I would be happy to answer any other questions that may have arisen out of this letter. If so, you can contact me through Allexperts again. Please look into Alanon! Thank you Rebos.
