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Addiction to Alcohol/My partner is an alcoholic
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Question
Hello. My partner is an alcoholic. As I write out this question, she is currently MIA. She was supposed to be home last night at around 7:30 and just never showed up. IT is 10 in the morning and she is still not here. I chose to discuss this situation with you because you are a recovering alcoholic. We have a 3 year old son and so I can not just ignore her drinking and walk away. We have been apart in the past and it seems to be even worse. Last weekend she disappeared and when she did show up she took my son out of the house and was gone for more than 24 hours. She went through alcohol rehab last year and her drinking only got worse. She drinks a fifth every two days at least. She already has liver problems and she is all of 31 years old. Her twin sister is bipolar. She herself refuses to be checked for this. Could this be the root of the problem? What can I do or say to get her to go to treatment? What can I do to protect my son? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Greetings to you, Traci.
You have written:
>> I chose to discuss this situation with you because you are a recovering alcoholic.
First, the idea of forever “recovering-ing-ing” is part of the problem in your situation. Where the original A.A. experience is about permanent recovery – I am a permanently recovered alcoholic – today’s AA and “treatment models” and the like are conflictingly about people allegedly getting better through so-called “self-help” or “self-improvement” over some considerable amounts of time ... and you are possibly now dealing with someone who believes she is doing just that, and that her present actions, and even in spite of her drinking, are both part of and indicative of such a plan.
>> Her twin sister is bipolar. She herself refuses to be checked for this. Could this be the root of the problem?
Yes, at least in the sense that some folks drink to either drown or to fuel the manic times as well as the depressed ones.
>> What can I do or say to get her to go to treatment?
Probably little or nothing unless she is already concerned either for her own well-being or for the well-being of others being affected by her actions.
>> What can I do to protect my son?
I am not qualified for offering legal advice, but I do know you could report any dangerous situation to a local child-protection agency and/or consider filing a custody petition in court.
Please know you are always welcomed to write again,
Joseph Lee O.
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Answers by Expert:
Joseph Lee O.
Expertise
Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.
Experience
The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken.
Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along.
At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ...
... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.
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