Expert: Rebos - 12/15/2006

Question
I lost my partner in January this year and the cause was lobar pneumonia and chronic alcoholism.  One night here was with me and within a few hours he was dead.  I am so hurt and confused - he simply thought he had flu.  I feel so guilty that I was unable to help him and I think I am still in shock.  

Answer
Good morning Wendy and thank you for your question. I am very sorry for your loss and I hope that I can pass on some information that will help to console you. However, since your question did not give me very much detail to go on…I’m going to have to make assumptions that I don’t normally do. I hope that I do not offend you in any way.

Emotional pain experienced from any loss of importance is usually manifested by an emotional response. Emotions being what they are cloud our ability to think rationally, and cause us to see our situation in a distorted way. When we can accept that our emotions are in control and that they are causing the pain, it can unlock the mystery of what is happening to us, and what we can do to alleviate the suffering. We can’t allow our emotions to control the situation beyond what is normal, nor should we allow our present pain to become a permanent part of our lives, for example remorse, shame or guilt. When we turn away from God because we blame Him for our pain we turn our backs on the answer to relieving our pain. Our pain is often a symptom of something else that is wrong with us, and “that something else" is usually based upon our lack of spirituality and faith. The level of our emotional pain can be directly related to our materialism. The more materialistic that we are, the deeper our pain will be. The more spiritual we are, the less our pain is. It is important for us to examine our pain with a trusted friend or family member. It should not and cannot be done alone very easily. Our emotions are in charge. It is natural for us to want to retreat into ourselves, but we must allow those we care about to help us through it. When you allow others to help it is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of our strength. Pain is an opportunity for personal growth and development. It can be a time of taking personal inventory to make changes in our lives for the good, or to see how we can redirect our energy to spiritual living. We must use this time for serious examination of our relationship with God. The stronger our faith in God the more we can trust that our pain is for the greater good, and that our understanding of the greater good is presently beyond our comprehension. Having faith in God allows us to accept our pain for what it can do for us in a positive way. It should not be wasted on self-recrimination and self-centeredness. Yes… emotional pain can be a very lonely experience.

I don’t know if what I have written to you will help, but I have personally found that the “poor me’s” will only make matters worse, and self-centeredness to the extreme is a whirlpool of despair. Whatever you do DON”T DRINK OR TAKE DRUGS to relieve your pain, it will only make matters worse. If I can be of further help please don't hesitate to contact me again. Thank you Rebos