Expert: Clyde - 12/4/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hello,
I picked you to ask my question because your bio said you have been in recovery for a long time. I won't go into all the gory details but so many of these stories are familiar to me but there is one aspect I can't seem to find. I was with a man for 13 years. He has a drinking problem and a drug problem. He left me because I was "too hard to love" Yes...he said that and a million other things I can't fathom someone saying. I am not a saint but I dont drink(I HATE it) and i have never had a problem with any substances. seeing as how I grew up in a totally dysfunctional acoholic household this is bizaar. I have most of the other tendencies and traits as an ACOA...but not that. I DO know that I am an enabler and I know that I never thought I was being one but its survival disguised as being a nice person etc... Anyway, he left over two years ago but every now and then he contacts me. This last time he pulled the old " I love you, I made a mistake I want to come home what do I have to do to make it happen?" I told him first of all he needed to leave the place where he lives and get a place of his own. Then we could see. I also said I could not and would not put up with the addictions and what came with them. I really didn't believe he was serious but that little part of me wanted him to be. Then He dropped off the face of the earth and when I spoke to him again he acted as though I was wrong for wanting an explanation. I told him as long as he is still where he is there is no reason for us to even try to be friends. He has a girlfriend, she is addicted and she has a child from a previous marriage. I shudder to think of what that child must see, hear etc... according to both of them she is "sheltered" Please...so was I and I saw and heard things no child ever should! Well I decided not to call him because he is so crazy that I can't even have a conversation with him. He lies all the time but thinks nothing of it. When confronted with it he snaps and becomes very nasty. This is par for the course. What I'm looking for here is some personal experiences, views, etc from those that have been in recovery and what THEY remember as far as being mean to loved ones, lying . I wonder if they really didn't know they were hurting people or knew and just didn't care. It is SO hard to understand how someone can be so up and down, and so severe!!! I know he is sick and I am sick from having him in my life. I want to tell him why I won't take his calls but I see a fight and I can't make him understand anything at all. He acts like because we were together for so long that its allright for him to try to contact me when he is with someone else. I have morals and although I can't stand this woman I want no part of this. I wish I knew how to deal with this part of it. I really feel that deep inside I still love him but I dont like him at all if that makes sense. I don't want to be part of this anymore but I know He won't get it. Any ideas, stories,advice??? I understand that writing about the past may be hard so I really do appreciate anything you say.
Thanks
Michelle

ANSWER: Michelle,
     Thank you for your question and the lengthy explanation.  I do appreciate that because it gives me more understanding of what may be going on in your life and in your head.

      The long and the short of it is exactly as you have surmised - he will not and does not get it; he is living in a life that is far from reality, he is faking it through life.  The real sad part of it all - he does not know it.

      You seem to have surmised some very important realities for your own life and you are mature enough to recognize your faults and your strengths.  Most people will never be able to do this.  I am convinced that even those non-alcoholic persons are not able to do this.  Count yourself one of the blessed ones.  However, the blessing comes with a curse - you are able to discern the craziness of others.

     William James, one of the greatest psychologists of the 20th century says there are two type of people - those who are "sick souls" and those that are "healthy-minded."  You may not believe this but you are the sick soul and your friend is the healthy minded.  The explanation for this is in the definition he gave for the two types.  A sick soul is a person who recognizes that they are in need of help and humble themselves to allow God to give them what they need.  The healthy minded, on the other hand, are so confident that they are all they will ever need and live life as if no one need give them a thing.

    But enough of the psych stuff.... You had a question and wanted some experience.  Well, I drank for twenty years and I was the poster child for "healthy-minded."  I did not have a clue to what life was supposed to be all about.  I did not know how I really felt for the entire time I drank and I exhibited all the traits you are seeing in your friend - anger, lying, manipulation, entitlement, silent treatment (Passive aggressive behavior), denial, the list could go on and on and on...

     My first marriage ended in divorce basically because when I became sober and discovered the "real" me and loved who I really was, she decided she didn't like me sober.  There really is a psychological shift in a person who becomes truly sober.  

     Unless he has a bombshell drop in his life - some real tragedy or severe consequence for his behavior, he will never reach a point where he can begin to fathom who and what he really is.  That is the psychic shift that we talk about in AA - it is a true transformation.  We see one thing as red now and a spilt second later we see it as green (Like it really is and not as we have always wanted it.)  This is what will be required for him to "get it."

      Well, what do you do?  Be thankful that you are not caught up in the active alcoholism in which he finds himself.  Grieve the loss of the relationship since it must die as it currently is.  This will not be easy and you will need to do some processing of your feelings.  You are ambivalent (not sure of how you feel about him right now) and that causes confusion in our minds.   As you sort it out ask yourself what does Michelle really want from life?  What is the ideal relationship you would like to see given to you?  Then let this fellow go and simply deal with the contacts as they arise making every effort to make them short and closed-ended ( don't set yourself up for more contact).  Do not contact him for any reason.

      If this relationship is to be rebirthed, and who knows what God's will might be, then in God's time things will change.  Imagine 20 years hence and a call comes in from a 19 year sober former friend who finally "gets it!"

     I hope this helps. Write again if you have more questions or concerns.

Grace and Peace

Clyde

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Ok This was a great answer and it really really helps me because I read it over and over to jam it into my brain. It is too easy to forget the truth of the matter because thats what I'm used to. In the last question I told you about how My ex tries to contact me. I have a not answered his calls and its hard because there is a sadness in his voice and I want to talk to him but I know full well I will not be talking to him as he will change to someone else during the conversation, I will get emotional etc. We know this is typical but Its making me feel like a jerk. I know its never helped before to pick up that phone but I hear the pain in his voice and It simply hurts. I guess right now I just need some reinforcing. I am doing the right thing right? If feeling like your turning your back on someone is the right thing but I KNOW its selfishness on his part. He feels bad so I should too. I don't know. Tell me anything right now before I let my heart take over...............

Answer
Michelle,
     Thank you for your follow-up question and the honesty of how you feel about all this.  Your past experience with this fellow is a pretty good indicator of how the next conversation will go.  Unless he is doing something proactive about his life and his problem - i.e. seeing a therapist, working a 12-step program, etc. - he will not have changed one bit from the behavior you have always seen.  A turnaround in him would be an upbeat admission of his wrongs and a willingness to take full responsibility for his past behavior WITHOUT implicating others in anyway.  That means that he would stay focused on himself and not place any burden on you.  He would be telling you how he is progressing in his healing rather than sharing his woundedness.

       I suppose that your contacting him would not result in this type of new behavior.  Of course I do not know the substance of his messages left for you but if they are sad and depressing and make any reference to you in a judgmental way then it is a clear sign that he is not far enough along in his own grieving process at having lost his relationship with you.  He will be grieving as well, as I mentioned earlier about your grieving the loss of relationship with him.  We do not know where he is in his process but he probably is not out of denial - the first stage.  

      As for your feeling like a jerk, this is how he is wanting you to feel so that you will give in one more time.  You two have become quite predictable for one another.  There are four major phases to grief - and we must make it through each to finish the process.  First is denial - this isn't happening, we tell ourselves.

     Second is bargaining - maybe if I do this, God, you'll do this (if you call your ex, all will be well because you have sought a "middle-of-the-road" attitude and he will know this and meet you half way as well).  Bargaining is where we feel like a jerk because there is something about the thing we are grieving that we truly want to have but know we can't.  It is a little voice saying "It's OK, this doesn't have to end this way.  Go ahead and make that call."

     Third is anger.  We must ask ourselves, "at whom am I angry?"  It might be the other person, it might be ourselves, it might be God.  But we will have to finally move into this phase of anger and get it resolved.  If at ourselves, we admit it to someone and then we ask God for forgiveness and the power and permission to forgive ourselves.  IF it is the other person, we also admit this to someone else (not the person, however) and then we ask God to forgive them and to give us the power to forgive them as well.  If it is God, we have a little talk with God venting our displeasure and frustration.  We let God know just how we feel about it.  God can take anything we throw his way so don't hesitate to let it all out.

      After we have surveyed the anger issue and understand more about why the loss hurts so much, we are ready to move into acceptance.  This is the way things are and I am OK with it.  I may not like it but I accept it for what it is.

      Once we have accepted it, we are ready to move on and leave the grief behind us.  We may cycle through the four stages again - even months or years later - but we always find the honesty in ourselves to deal with those as they arise.

     I hope this may shed some additional light on the tough work of grief and loss and perhaps it may help you to realize that repeating the same old behaviors (on both of your parts) will only get the same old results.  Something has to be different and stay different for something new to really happen.

    Write again when you have more questions or just need to talk.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde