Expert: Clyde - 8/2/2007

Question
My husband has drunk intermittently throughout the years and when he does he gets verbally aggresive or smashes things.Since he got a credit card his drinking has got worse and over the last few years he has got in so much debt.He left me last year then when he lost his job Ilet him come back.A few months ago hecame into a lot of money then walked out again despite telling my 2 boys he would neverdo that.My family has been destroyed all I wanted was to give my children a good life he seems to have turned his wrath on me and is sending me lawyers letters but wont speak to me himself.I feel i am to blame and have ruined my childrens lives how can someone I loved turn on me like this I am devastated and feel lower than the lowest of the low I have been married almost 30 years

Answer
Carol,
   Thank you for your questions and sharing you story with me.  It is tragic what alcohol does to lives.  You are right - it destroys.
   I hear your despair and I can only imagine the depth of the pain you have felt and are feeling.
   The title you gave to this message "No point going on" speaks volumes to me and knowing you feel you are at the lowest of lows also lets me know you are hurting.
   Life is worth going on although you don't see much reason to think so.  Let me try and give you a different perspective on this thing called alcoholism.  It destroys the very personality of those persons it attacks.  Your husband, once a sober person, is now turned into someone you don't even recognize thirty years later.  The alcohol has done that.  He is not sane enough to realize that since the alcohol has taken control of his life.
  Alcoholism is not a moral issue.  It is not a matter of will power and simply stopping.  It has truly taken over his life.  It is a disease and he is very sick caught up in the throes of the active addiction.
  I am not giving him excuses and I am not saying you need to be understanding but I am trying to offer you the truth of what is happening.
  You have two boys who need a mother - that is a point for going on; you have a life to live - that is a point for going on; you have a future waiting without alcohol - that is a point for going on; you have joy just around the corner - that is a point for going on.
  It will not be easy and you will have to deal with the hurt and the pain of what alcohol has done and continues to do to your family.  What will help is support from people who have "been there done that."  I am speaking of the people in Alanon, a group of people who have been affected by alcohol and its destruction.  What they have found is a new way to live free of the alcoholic's influence on them personally.  They have learned that they are not the alcoholic - their loved one is.  They have found a source of strength and hope.  Most importantly, they have learned what we call the three C's - 1.) you can not control alcoholism; 2.) you can not cure alcoholism; and 3) YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT.  I emphasize that point because you are feeling like you are the failure in all this.  Quite the opposite.  You are a mother to two boys and you have tried for many years to hold everything together. You are the strength but can't see it as you are mired down in someone else's sickness.
   I hope you will consider my suggestion to make a call to Alanon and find a meeting to attend TODAY.  Don't put it off.  You are reaching out for help and it is only a phone call away.  You can find the number in the white pages, the yellow pages, or any hospital could give it to you.
  You did not cause this, Carol. You are the strength.  Do this for yourself and your boys. i would love for you to contact me again so I can help you along the path to getting your life back.
  Hope this helps and you are in my prayers.
Grace and Peace.