Expert: Rebos - 3/19/2007

Question
I have a female friend who I have known for over two years. She is 37 and single, and I have grown very close to her and care about her deeply, as a friend. She has a regular habit of visiting the same local bar everyday. Typically, she will drink 3 beers in about 1 1/2 hours, and then leaves. This did not seem overly excessive to me until one night at a birthday party for another friend I saw another side of her. Over the course of about 4 hours, she consumed about 10 beers and 5 mixed drinks. While she was full blown drunk she became VERY promiscuous. Not wanting to be a "buzz kill" I just kept a close eye on her to make sure she was not in any danger and later drove her home. Events such as this have happened 4 or 5 times in the last 6 months. She always regrets her action in the morning and is embarrassed to see people the next time she goes to the bar. Since this event, it has come to my attention that some of the other "regulars" at the bar have always thought of her as "slutty". Having gotten to know her, I know this to be untrue, for the most part. Although she has told me about 1 or 2 one-night stands. She gets very depressed, because of how other people view her. However, she has never made the connection of her behavior to drinking. I have been to her house and happen to know that she does keep it fully stocked with beer and drinks it regularly at all hours of the day, although she does not get "drunk". I want to confront her about the issue, but it would probably be the end of our friendship. I simply don't know if she would be classified as an alcoholic, or suffering from depression or both. How should I proceed?

Answer
Good afternoon Brian:

Thank you for your question. I will give you some thoughts to consider concerning your friend’s drinking problem.

The first question that you have to ask yourself is, “What are you willing to do to help save your friend’s life?” If you answer, “Anything” you should read on. If on the other hand you say, “I’m not sure” then you might as well discontinue reading my answer!

Tell her the truth of your concern for her well-being as it relates to her drinking. Say what you mean… mean what you say…, but don’t be mean when you say it! There is a good chance that when you tell her how you feel that she will want to stop being your friend, but so what, at least you are telling her the truth…and just maybe you will plant a seed in her that it’s another thing that booze has taken away from her, your friendship. You have to stop accepting her unacceptable behavior and hold her responsible for her actions. You are apparently riding the fence of becoming an “enabler”, and if you don’t know an enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. An alcoholic can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be “forgiven” and if necessary “rescued” time and time again. If you become an enabler in a backhanded way you will be giving your friend “permission” to drink by your continued acceptance her unacceptable behavior and her lack of concern as to how you feel about her drinking. That should be a hint to you that she is faced with a serious drinking problem. What ever you decide to do it should be based upon your head talking and not your heart. Don’t let your actions appear to be allowing her to continue drinking if you do not want her to drink. If you continue on the road that you are on you haven’t seen anything yet. Alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. It seems as though she may be trying to control her drinking when she only has a couple of drinks at the bar she frequents. It is said that when a person has to think about controlling their drinking that they have already lost control. And of course you have no idea as to how much she may drink once she is alone at her house or apartment.

You might want to suggest that she can get help at Alcoholics Anonymous, and that you will even go to an open meeting with her. Anything short of her going to AA will prove to you that she is not ready to stop… that she hasn’t hit her bottom yet. If she isn’t “sick and tired of being sick and tired” then there is little that you can to for her except to say “Sayonara”! If she needs to be detoxified, then a detox clinic should be sought out. She may be so far gone that she needs help to get some distance between her and her last drink. One always has to consider the possibility of what withdrawal from alcohol can do to a person!

Stopping drinking, for an alcoholic, is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease; the AMA says it is. Drinking alcoholically is a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for your girlfriend to recover. Without your girlfriend learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before an alcoholic must drink again. For an alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing to beer or wine, or even switching to the near beer with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or mind-altering substances (drugs).


There is so much that I could suggest to you that may help your friend, but it will be up to her when it comes right down to it. I could suggest that you, as a concerned friend, go to Alanon meetings to learn about the disease and what you can do to help your self and in turn maybe help her. You see, I don’t know how involved you have a right to get involved with your friend. Does she have a family that should be contacted? Is she indigent without any medical insurance? Etc.

To be a male alcoholic is bad enough, but to be a female alcoholic brings with it “special problems”. You have to be honest with your friend! Please let me know if there is any further information that I can provide you with. Thank you, Rebos