Expert: Rebos - 12/10/2007

Question
My husband and I got married very young. When we first met we both drank like most 21 year olds. However, after getting married (and having a surprise baby) I settled down happily and easily. My husband hasn't done so well. Almost 6 years later, with 2 babies, and 2 affairs (his), I think my husband is an alcoholic. A few months ago he was drinking at least 18 beers a night and following me from room to room telling me how worthless I was, then sleeping past noon. When I found out about the most resent affair I left. He told me he would end the affair and not drink at home anymore (he always drank at home alone because he didn't want anyone else to know about his problem). We (the kids and I) have been home for almost 3 months. He was doing great. Now he's starting to stop and buy 2 or 3 beers on his way home from work and drinking them outside. I hated it that but he kept reminding me that he wasn't technically breaking the rules. Now he's telling me I'm treating him like a child by not letting him drink in the house. I just know that if I do it'll end up like it was a few months ago. I was serious when I told him this was his last chance. I will not have my children growing up with an alcoholic father. It's difficult because my husband is a good man. He's a great provider and he can be a good father and husband. He tells m I'm overreacting and there is nothing wrong with him drinking every now and then. I'm just afraid of where it will end up. Am I overreacting? Or is he just making excuses?

Answer
Good afternoon Bethany and thank you for your question. No you are not over reacting!
You have every right to be concerned about your husband and your children’s lives.

There is no question in my mind that your husband is “a good man”, but he is a very sick man who suffers from the disease of alcoholism! If your husband is allowed to continue on drinking he will be back to his 18 beers a day and maybe even more. Every 12 ounce can of beer that your husband drinks has the same amount of alcohol in it as 1.25 ounces of 80 proof of hard liquor! So if your husband is drinking 18 cans of beer a day he is drinking the equivalent of well over 1 gallon of 80 proof hard liquor every week!

Your husband may be a good provider (NOW) but his alcoholism will eventually catch up to him and he will not only be without a job, but will become unemployable. If he is in business for himself you can kiss that goodbye if he continues to drink. However, you being a sober adult must protect your children from the negative consequences that will affect them for the rest of their lives! The how to do that… is the question… the most important question of your life! How can you believe him when he says that he will not have any more affairs… as long as he continues to drink he will continue to have affairs. Drinking alcoholically is a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that your husband must face up to in order for him to recover. Without your husband learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before he must drink again. For an alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing to beer or wine, or even switching to the near beer with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or mind-altering substances (drugs). The exception is a doctor’s prescription as long as he or she knows that the patient is an addict!

It is generally believed (in AA which has the best track record for recovery) that alcoholism is a three-fold disease… mental, physical, and spiritual. The “mental part”; deals with the thought that precedes the first drink...thinking about the drink in between the drinks…a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. The “physical part” is that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over and the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them. And last but not least, the “spiritual part” of the illness. Not spiritual in a religious way, but in the loss of values and a willingness to settle for less and less as his drinking continues. Stopping drinking, for an alcoholic, is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease; the AMA says it is, but your husband must be held responsible for his irresponsible actions including his disruption of the family unit.

Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, insidious and powerful. It has no cure…once an alcoholic always an alcoholic! So to speak…“once you turn a cucumber into a pickle, you can never change it back to a cucumber”. It has been my experience to have never seen an alcoholic recover on their own willpower for the long haul. No one can scare an alcoholic into stop drinking. All the threatening and begging in the world will not get them to stop doing what they cannot do on their own. Don't for one second think that your husband does not want to stop drinking… he can't stop when left to his own devices. Don't be fooled into thinking that he will stop drinking just because he says that he will. It's not that he will purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he knows that he can’t stop. Unless your husband gets to a detoxification clinic then goes to a program like Alcoholics Anonymous he is destined to die from one of the many complications of drinking alcoholically, get involved negatively with the law or end up in a mental institution plus destroy you and your children in the process. After being detoxed counseling may be good for him (if you can get him there) but what he needs is a support group like AA so that he can identify with other alcoholics and change his lifestyle.

Each one of us has a breaking point, especially so when we see a person that we care for destroying their life. It is important to understand that your husband is a very sick person who has a “disease”, BUT YET MUST BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS. It is also important for you to hate the disease and not your husband. Alcoholism is a disease that affects not only the alcoholic, but all those who have the unfortunate experience of having any contact with an alcoholic. Alcoholics are self-centered to the extreme. They can’t be good fathers, husbands, wives, employees or real friends; their friend becomes alcohol and they will do anything to protect their right to drink. Alcoholics have “victims” and take “hostages” but never lovers or fathers.

I can’t advise you as what to do, but I will say this…If your husband is allowed to continue drinking, doesn’t turn himself in to a detox clinic, and then continue to faithfully go to a program like AA EVERY DAY after his detoxification is over, you are setting yourself and your children up to living a miserable, unhappy and abusive life.  Alcoholism never gets better…it only gets worse. In any case you have to be strong and insist that he does something about stopping drinking. Measure your words carefully before you say anything to him about him stopping drinking; say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t be mean when you say it! Remember it is most important for you to NEVER make any threat to your husband that you are not 100% willing to follow through with! I hope that you have not become an “enabler”. It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Any verbal or physical abuse by him toward you or your children should not be tolerated at all. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. If you have no special knowledge of alcoholism recovery and try to help, your husband will sense your weakness and continue on drinking because he knows that he will be forgiven again and again.

Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! If you still love him you almost have to ask yourself the question; what are you willing to do to help save your husband’s life? Maybe you should consider raising his bottom by making a decision and sticking to it. If your husband continues down the road that he is on your life will not get better it will only get worse.

I can’t to tell you what to do. However, if you intend to stay with this man I strongly suggest that you start going to Alanon. I assume that you know what Alanon is. You can either start YOUR recovery process now – or keep the illness going and destroy your family unit. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your husband’s drinking is to gain knowledge and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Alanon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to not go to Alanon the least that you can do is to stop trying to control a situation that you can’t control. In any case remember to protect your children from your husband’s illness!

If I can be of further help please let me know in a follow-up question. Thank you, Rebos.