Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 6/7/2007

Question
Hello Lee.

I have made the decision to stop drinking.  I am in a relationship where I finally feel I can be honest with the man that I love to tell him the truth about my drinking which is about 20%social, 80%closet.  He is very behind me in going in for some help0 with detox, and continuing with after care with a group.  He is also afraid that I may not feel for him the way that I do, now, once I get through.  The oronic thing is I have been cutting back and actually allowing myself to be sober around him as I like being clear and with it so I can enjoy us better than when I have to have one of my maintenace buzzes.  I want more of that for me and for us.  Through him I can see, as he has stopped drinking badly as he used to how good my own life could be.  I hear his feelings are normal in this.  I want to be sober.  I know I will be different.  He is the love of my life.  I am scared of this whole ordeal from being hospitalized for a couple fo days to the future ahead of me.  I know that I have to depend on myself first to make this all happen.  I do not want the best thing that ever happened to me, ie him, to be in question.

Thanks

Answer
Greetings to you, April.

Since you have not actually asked a question, I am not sure of the best way to respond here ... so I will simply make a few comments and offer a bit of overall experience for you to ponder.

You have written:

>> I have made the decision to stop drinking.

Do you believe you are alcoholic?  If so, you may soon face this dilemma:

“At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he [or she] passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail.  This tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is suspected.
“The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink.  Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent.  We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago.  We are without defense against the first drink.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 24)

“Many of us felt that we had plenty of character.  There was a tremendous urge to cease forever.  Yet we found it impossible.  This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it - this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish.” (page 34)

>> I have been cutting back and actually allowing myself to be sober ...

Here are three general types of drinkers, and two of them can do that:

1) “Moderate drinkers have little trouble in giving up liquor entirely if they have good reason for it.  They can take it or leave it alone.
2) “Then we have a certain type of hard drinker.  He may have the habit badly enough to gradually impair him physically and mentally.  It may cause him to die a few years before his time.  [But if] a sufficiently strong reason - ill health, falling in love, change of environment, or the warning of a doctor - becomes operative, this man can also stop or moderate, although he may find it difficult and troublesome and may even need medical attention.
3) “But what about the real alcoholic?  He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink [and cannot stay sober once he or she stops].” (pages 20-21)

>> I want to be sober.

So then, what you have is a *desire* to stop drinking ... and to find out whether you can actually do that, here is the simple “test” you are about to try:

“As we look back, we feel we had gone on drinking many years beyond the point where we could quit on our will power.  If anyone questions whether he has entered this dangerous area, let him [or her] try leaving [all alcohol] alone for one year.  If he [or she] is a real alcoholic and very far advanced, there is scant chance of success.  In the early days of our drinking we occasionally remained sober for a year or more, becoming serious drinkers again later.  Though you may be able to stop for a considerable period, you may yet be a potential alcoholic.  We think few, to whom this book will appeal, can stay dry anything like a year.  Some will be drunk the day after making their resolutions; most of them within a few weeks.” (page 34)

>> I am scared of this whole ordeal from being hospitalized for a couple of days to the future ahead of me.

Here is “scared” as I knew it back in 1982:

“‘I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I?  Have you a sufficient substitute?’” (page 152)

>> I know that I have to depend on myself first to make this all happen.

If you are a real alcoholic, you will not be able to “make this all happen” any more than I could have.  For:

“Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly.
“Lack of power, that was our dilemma.  We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves.  Obviously.  But where and how were we to find this Power?
“Well, that's exactly what this book is about.  Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem.” (pages 44-45)

Please know you are welcomed to stay in touch ...

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com