Expert: Amarnath.B - 11/3/2004

Question
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Thank you for your support.  Since I am complete tee totaler   I have no idea of what someone goes through when they quit drinking.  It is wonderful that you have given me the help I needed to understand where he is coming from.  I try to keep telling him what a wonderful person he is,  all the good things he has to offer the world,  the differences that have evolved in regards to the up keep of his property  etc.   I can see subtle changes in his self esteem.  I hope I am doing things correctly.   I suggested a counsellor   and that was met with great resistance.  So   I turned to this site   to see if some light could be shed for me.   He has a great deal of difficulty in verbalising his feelings  and I am trying to get him to see that it is not fair to all of us if he does not tell us what he feels or thinks.  He is trying   and it will take time.   Again   I thank you




Followup To
Question -
I am living with a man that has been an alcoholic for a lot of years.  this past July he quit drinking.  Before he quit drinking he would talk a great deal,   sex was never an issue,  touching as he walked past me was done with great ease.  Now all of that has stopped.  I contacted an addiction center before he quit drinking for support   and again after when these things disappeared.  They told me they had never encountered the non sex issue in a recovering alcoholic.  Can you shed some light on this subject and help me to understand what sort of feelings he might be experiencing  and is there anything I can do to support him?  
Answer -
Dear Edith,

Most recovering alcoholics, in the first few phases of sobriety, go through a lot of remorse, guilt, and self-loathing.  Some alcoholics have underlying depression and anxiety which was mostly suppressed by alcohol and its high. These factors may be the cause for his decreased overall sexual desire.  

Do not fret. Time heals. But I suggest you recommend he see a counselor or more so a psychiatrist and let his hair down. You can also try and get him in the mood rather than wait for him to make the first move.  Maybe now he is feeling shy.  Under intoxication, men/women lose all their inhibitions, so maybe that was the reason he sex was so easy at that time.  Believe me, physically I do not think he has any problems but psychologically he may be a little withdrawn now.  

So the best way to support him is to discuss the issue with him without making him feel bad about it.

Do keep me posted and do not hesitate to ask me for any more information or help.

God bless,

Amarnath

Answer
Dear Edith,

I am always there for you anytime for any help regarding your problems dealing with your significant other.  

I suggest you contact Al-Anon a support group for co-dependents (dependents of recovering alcoholics) where you can meet wives, friends, etc. who have been through similar situations.  Sharing of experiences with them will not only give you more strength but also an insight as to how to deal with recovering alcoholics.

Your friend should contact Alcoholics Anonymous and become a part of it to maintain continued sobriety.

All the best and god bless,

Amarnath