Expert: Rebos - 10/22/2006

Question
Approximately one year ago our beloved son revealed to us that he is an alcoholic. While he has a good friend whose father is in AA, and is willing to sponsor him, my son is resisting going to AA meetings regularly. He has relapsed three times since he first told us about his alcoholism, and each time he has felt overwhelming shame and remorse. At the moment he is not drinking, but his girfriend is. She does not seem to be a problem drinker, but she does continue to drink in his presence. She is well aware of my son's addiction and his efforts to stay away from alcohol. We are fond of this girl, but we are worried that it will be too difficult for our son to stay away from alcohol if he lives with someone who drinks socially.  Also, in your experience is there anything a parent can say to encourage a son to go to AA meetings? We have gone to one Al-Anon meeting, but the theme for the evening was acceptance. We love our son more than life, and we can never give up and simply accept that he will be an alcoholic for the rest of his life.

Answer
Good afternoon Lisa and thank you for your question.

It would have been to your advantage if you had continued to go to Al-Anon meetings! One meeting is not really giving the Al-Anon program a chance to work for you. You would have gained some solace that your situation is not unique, that there are others in the same boat, and that at least THEY have found a solution to their problem. You notice that I say “their” problem. One of the first things that you should do is to realize that you are totally and completely powerless over your son’s drinking! The best place for you to learn and practice that fact is at Al-Anon meetings, by learning to “detach with love”. I can understand that you love your son very much; however don’t you think that those who you met at the Al-Anon meeting also love whoever their alcoholic is?

Alcoholism is a family disease…it effects everyone that has an alcoholic in their lives. By you not finding out what is wrong with you, you will not be able to help your son. In many cases you may think that you are helping your son, but it may be that you have become an “enabler”.  If you don’t already know an enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to act in an unacceptable manner without being made to pay a price for their actions. In a way every time an enabler accepts the alcoholic’s bad behavior, the enabler is giving the alcoholic “permission to drink” again. Your pain will be determined by how much effort that you put into trying to control a situation that you have no control over.

Unfortunately, your son did not stick with going to AA. From what you described in your question you son set him self up for failure when he goes to AA because you want him to go. He has to throw in the towel himself because he wants stay sober, not because you want him to stay sober. Unless he is incapable of getting honest about his drinking his chances are that he will get worse and worse. Alcoholism is a progressive deadly disease and it rarely gets better on its own. Recovery in AA may be his only chance at getting well, but it will require his acceptance of his illness, and makes a commitment to doing something about it. God himself won’t knock the drink out of a drunk’s hand if he wants to drink bad enough. It’s known as self will run riot. The addiction for him to drink is so strong that he may destroy himself to get his next drink. Again, “unfortunately” AA does not always work for those who need it, but always works for those who want it.  

Sponsorship in AA is never thrust upon a person. It is usually someone who the new alcoholic chooses after they are in the program for a while…there is no time limit as to when or on who a person picks as a sponsor! His friend’s father can, if your son wants him to, take him to the meeting, introduce him to some others of his age, and then let him go from there on his own. After his friend’s father brings him to a few meetings and you son has not yet lost his license to drive…then he can go on his own. It is not for you or your family to say that a person will be an alcoholic for the rest of their life. Your son will have to hit his own bottom at being sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am sorry to tell you that a bottom can be as low as a person can get…plus six feet! I am sorry to tell you that, but it is the truth!

If his girlfriend is not an alcoholic herself and she is drinking socially in his presence, then she is too selfish to love him or anyone else but herself. Has anyone ever talked to her about going to Al-Anon meetings? She apparently has no idea the damage that she is doing to someone that she supposedly loves.

I hope that what I have written here does not offend you in any way. All of us are different and no one really knows how a person will react to their present circumstances, therefore what I have written may not be the way to go with your son’s recovery. However, the odds are that what I have written has worked for a great many people who have an alcoholic that they love. I would be interested in hearing about your progress. Thank you, Rebos