Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 8/14/2007

Question
Greetings Jan,

My tale is woefully long but for me it's been a ride filled with wild ups and downs and surprise turns.  

History- -
I moved in with L in Aug 06. I had detected alcohol but suspected nothing until mid-Oct when I discovered L's problem.  It explained much of her erratic behavior, but not everything. She began attending AA, still drinking, where she learned about detox.

By Jan 07, L spent 6 days in inpatient detox and in two weeks was drinking again. She continued AA & I began Al-anon.  Right before she evicted me from her house, she had achieved a questionable 45 days. I was evicted at the end of April. Two days later, she recanted.  I, however, gladly moved into my own place.  

Our relationship has limped along over the last 3 months.  I decided to try to stay out of her "program" (or lacl there of) and I did.  Curiously, her attention & affection for me increased and I mistakenly thought she was doing well fighting her illness.  

She was not. In the last 10 days she advised me that she had begun drinking when I moved out and she never stopped.  

Today- -
Financial Stress: I have a vague idea of how she conducted her real estate business, but she has not had any sales due to the housing slump and I don't guess wine or vodka help much either.  

Family Stress: She had to ask her 73 year old mom to leave an investment condo & send her to Vegas to live with family. She intends to sell the property.

Female Stress: She is menopausal, taking hormones to help with the INSANE mood swings.  

Recovery/Detox Stress: She decided about a week ago that she needed the progam, so she's back in.

Relationship Stress: Her behavior, toward me, not ever consistently great, has deteriorated amidst her chorus of "I love you, I need you, I want you." And so, as the bad behavior appears, I have begun to be a little more rigid in holding her accountable. In the past, experience shows she has a tendency to wiggle out of responsibilty, make excuses or ignore my protests. Currently, I have asked her to reply to some emails that in which I have posed questions that I hope will clarify things. We are in gridlock because I want her to read, think and respond to my questions in a meaningful way. She on the other hand, wants to 'make nice', come visit me (which means closeness & sex), and talk about my questions. I am am unwilling to see her until she provides me an explanation of her recent behavior.  I am very leery because her words do not match her deeds.  And she, up to now, is either unwilling or, possibly unable, to discuss or answer any of my questions about her behavior and, specifically, how that behavior makes me feel.  In my opinion, I think I am correct to set this 'respect' boundary.  No physical relationship until we address the mental/emotional issues.  But in her current state of affairs, I wonder if I can expect anything at all except more of the same. I've met many people who talk about step 4. While I hope she can make it to step 4, I still need answers from her.  Perhaps she will try to answer and pehaps, then, I'll still be around to see step 4.

She recently told me, "Right now, I need a friend more than a lover."  That's difficult. She's asking me as a "friend" to overlook all my gripes and "lover" issues so that she can talk to me (friend) about her stress as she struggles thru everything. Please note, that she is STILL willing to spend the weekend with me (lover). Because we were in gridlock about the reply I have asked her to provide, I came up with this:  I would call her remaining pleasant as Don the Friend (gay roommate of Pancho the Penis (lover).  As Don the friend, I tell her that I know exactly why Pancho the Lover won't see her. I stay in friend mode, which is what she said she needed. It allows me to break Pancho the Lover's concerns away from the immediate (though I manage to express them in 3rd person, as a friend of Pancho).  In talking calmly with her, I am still face-to-face with a woman who, sober or not, is facing a bunch of major life challenges.

I can NOT help being suspicious of her desire to sidestep my "lover" issues and jump into phsyical contact again. She is self-centered, defensive and very reluctant to acknowledge her past behavioral mis-steps.  She manages to walk her dog and feed her dog amid all of her various crises.  She conveniently pleads "overload" when I begin complaining of abuse and mistreatment at her hands.  

She's 45, I'm 49. 19 years ago she had either a stillborn or a child who lived only a day; this has been offered as a big 'reason for drinking', though you & i know that gravity or oxygen are equally good reasons. Both of us are seperated but not divorced; we each have one prior marriage.  Since having moved, I stopped attending Al-anon, partly because I had to pick up some overtime to pay my bills. She's not the only one with problems, perish the thought that she'd ask.

Best wishes and thank you in advance for your time & consideration. Yikes! Maybe I should publish!

Regards,

Don Sacks
Fairfax, VA


Answer
Don,
Forgive me, but I am going to be very direct here. Bottom line, L needs to do a thorough Step One before looking at any other issues. I think Step One should be your focus as well. Until L has solid abstinence and sobriety in AA, you will probably not be able to rely upon her for any degree of maturity in a relationship with you. It is not rational to expect sane behavior from a still drinking alcoholic. The issues you mentioned that she has (loss of child, etc.) are not the focus right now, though at some point in recovery (long-term abstinence) she will need to work them through. Right now the hope is that at some point L will hit bottom and internalize that alcohol is not an option for her (Step One).

As you know from Al-Anon, L will not stop drinking as long as she has anyone suggesting directly or indirectly that it's OK for her to drink. You may wish to think about whether continuing any kind of relationship with her while she continues to drink is a form of enabling. Although very difficult to do, you may wish to consider placing a substantial period of abstinence in AA as a condition for continuing any type of intimate relationship with her. Good luck, and I suggest continuing Al-Anon attendance.