Expert: Rebos - 10/29/2006

Question
my gorlfriend has just relaped - bad after ten years.  we just met, but at least she trusted me enough to come over today after a tearful phone conversation.  she went out to the car to call her teen daughter at home - but I was worried she had alcohol in the car.  She is passed out right now (10pm).  I feel bad for doing this, but I took her keys and went out to check her car out.  Sure enough, there was an open little box of wine in the cup holder and three other unopen ones in a bag in the back seat.  I left them there not know what the hell to do.  This is all happening so fast and I am completely unprepared for what to do.  She may wake up and want to drive home.  What do I do?!  I want to take the alcohol out of her car, but don't want to break her "trust".  Please help - I am more concerned about her sobriety now than our relationship.  She is such a wonderful woman!

Answer
Good morning Douglas:

Thank you for your question, however I have to make a number of assumptions, the most important of which is… that she a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and that is the approach that I will take in my answer to you.

Instead of getting in touch with you she should have called her AA Sponsor or a member of her group (hopefully before she picked up the drink)! She was not working her Program of recovery! She probably started to skip her meetings, and wasn’t staying active with her group…etc.

I don’t care if she is a wonderful woman, she is still an alcoholic and if she doesn’t go back to her meetings and you stay with her you are looking for a lifetime of grief and unhappiness. Actively drinking alcoholics do not have the capacity of being girlfriends, wives, or being in a loving relationship…their addiction won’t let them. It is my opinion that actively drinking alcoholics have “victims” and they take “hostages”, not lovers! I doubt that she “trusted you” and that’s why she went to you first. If she was really serious about stopping her relapse you should have been the last person that she should have gone to or told. I don’t know what she was trying to prove by going to you, but believe me it wasn’t love or trust. Since you don’t have that much time invested in this woman I would suggest that you tell her that you can’t help her and that she should go back to AA or it’s all over between you two! If she agrees and does go back to her meetings you should also start to go to Al-Anon. I would be pleased to tell you more about your situation if you will write me a follow-up question.

NO don’t take her alcohol out of her car, and it has nothing to do with trust. It has to do with her getting her next drink no matter what! There is nothing like telling the truth about how you feel, but never make any threats to her if you don't intend to follow thru with it. It appears as though you have already started being an “enabler”. If you don’t know what an enabler is let me know. I would wish you good luck with this woman, but your future relationship with her will have nothing to do with good luck…it will have to do with learning about alcoholism, and Al-Anon is the place to learn that. Thank you, Rebos