Expert: Clyde - 11/17/2007

Question
ok, try to make it short,I met a guy app 6 years ago, about a month into the relationship was told of his problem, me like others thought i can help?? he would do crazy things, call my house to check up, drive over drunk, even broke into my home, stole jewelry and denied it, one time he drove over drunk and got very nasty and loud and my son called the police which ended him up in prison for almost three years for 5th dui, i tried then to break it off as i had done before and was begged for another chance. I waited for him to be released and visited every other weekend driving an hour and a half to prison, cleaned and moved things from his apt which is where i found the things taken from my home. didn't remember doing it. after release from prison he moved with me and started to drink after 1 month, i left him,moved out of state he continued to call and beg me to come back, he had changed not drinking, and i moved back staying with him, it was a nightmare.He was involved with the Veterans hospital, which is where he was as inpatient when i met him. obviously it didn't help him being in a long term program as prison didn't. he has lost jobs, homes, relationships due to his drinking, has been in and out of treatment more times than i can count. I called him about a month ago due to his mother dying, and felt he need a friend, silly me! right back to wanting me to move with him again after me leaving the madness when living with him for 6months when i moved back to my homestate. he inherited alot of money now, and wants to take care of me, trying to buy me with that, saying he loves me, misses me etc. I care alot, but have been through so much with him and even thoguh i feel so bad for him , cause he is alone.I know it will end up as always, he drinks all the time, gets social security, due to bipolor etc, which gives him all the time in the world to drink, he gets mean and angry when i tell him i will not be involved until he gets help and goes through a program and makes a effort to straighten up, if he does and if my some miracle he does it for good at least 6 months then we could possibly talk about it. but that would have to happen first. he has a stalking kind of personality and i do sometimes get scared that he will come here drunk and cause problems, as he will be buying a house close to where i am. I know he is a good person when not drinking, but when he is it is scary, depressing and i can't take the personality change and the pressuring me to do what he wants me to do, when i know what need to take place first or nothing else matters anyway, because he wil die from this, he also does not take his meds for bipolor which intensifies the drinking... any advice?? i hate to hurt him, but what about me??? thank you so much for reading this.                                   Merilee
 oh  i have heard that he has been drinking since 13yrs he is now 52???

Answer
Merilee,
     Thank you for your question and for filling me in so completely about your past history with this individual.

     We say in Alcoholics Anonymous,
     "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.

There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest."

      That is the fundamental question of sobriety - is one willing to be honest with themselves?  If so, they have a chance and if not, they will die as you have said.

      From all the past experiences you have had with this fellow it would seem that he has not gotten honest with himself - he does not comprehend that he must not drink alcohol ever again.  A test can not be 6 months of sobriety, it must be measured in terms of decades of willingness to live life differently.  Even then, the alcoholic who remains honest with themselves can not promise anyone that they will remain sober tomorrow - we only have today in which to make a firm commitment not to take the first drink.

      Your friend has a rough road ahead but if he is to remain sober he will have to do this thing on his own.  He can not rely on relationships and that is what he is doing - he has hinged his sobriety on you.  That places you in a very precarious position of being what we call an enabler.  You are not intentionally doing this, it is rather as a result of your caring for this person as much as you do.

      Your queston is a good one -- what about me??  And that is the solution to your delimna.  You must do what is good for Merilee and your own future.  You will need to do some serious soul searching and ask yourself what do you truly want out of life. I hope you decide to move on with your life and simply move out of the picture as easily as you can.  You will have emotions associated with the loss of such a lengthy relationship but time will heal that hurt for you.

     He must come to grips with his problems on his own.  You are not responsible for him.  I pray that he will one day come to understand how alcohol and his refusal to medicate his bipolar condition are both potentially leading him to a premature death.  It goes back to the quote I stated from Alcoholics Anonymous.

     I hope this is helpful and do not hesitate to write again.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde