Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 5/10/2007

Question
Hello, my husband is a long time alcholic and after promising me for the last
time that he would not drink again in front of my son, I asked for a divorce. It
was a time of anger and desperation, and my husband moved out in March,
went into AA after being in hospital with DTs, and then one month later,
began seeing a woman and decided that I am the villian because I asked for a
divorce. This after being lied to over and over for years, and having him break
his promise again and again. His memory seems to be selective, he lies about
the past, tells others versions of our life together that are extreme and
untrue, and forgets his role in anything, including things he says days ago...is
this typical, the selective memory and reshaping of the past to make the
"other" person the bad guy? I am stunned that he is doing this. Also, I was
told that people in recovery should not get involved with anyone, and he has
after only a month. Our divorce is not final until September and we have a six
year old, who is being very emotionally damaged over this. Where can I get a
good understanding of alcoholic behavior?  

Answer
Greetings to you, Marie.

You have asked, “Where can I get a good understanding of alcoholic behavior?”

First, and speaking mostly of males, the alcoholic is an ego-maniac with an inferiority complex.  He believes, or he at least hopes he can do just about anything invincibly (and even with impunity), and he often actually has a nice measure of potential.  On the other hand, or at least over time, he eventually becomes suspicious or even acutely aware he is failing at life, and miserably.  He can land the best job and be quite good at it, yet his successes never fully satisfy him.  He can find and marry one of the finest women around, yet he dare not ever let her see the internal reality of his struggles (if he can even see them himself) as a little boy that might never really become the man he either believes himself to be, or believes he at least should be.

In a word, alcoholic behaviour is “confused” ... and across the board.  He can drum up all sorts of rationalizations, seeming justifications and so on, yet he seldom really knows and understands what truly makes him tick.  Hence, his behaviour can be variously erratic, unpredictable and full of both pleasant and unpleasant surprises, with each “next time” being either not quite as good or yet a little worse.

Behind all of that, of course, are his natural human instincts and desires lying right alongside various inherent characteristics ... such as both kind and mean, giving and selfish, caring and self-centered, and that list could go on.

What does alcohol have to do with all of that?  Very little, really.  Alcohol can fuel the ego, numb some pain and enable a bit of fantasy (as in personal ambition), but only as a catalyst rather than any actual cause.  Men do what they do because of who and what they are, with the drink simply driving and comforting them along the way for a time.  Then one day the alcohol no longer “works” as it once did, leaving little boys of all ages lying around beaten and even bloody.  At that point, however, there can be great hope for the still-breathing.

Overall, you would do well to read “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, and especially its chapter “To Wives”.  Everything I happen to know about myself and other alcoholics was first shared there by the folks who wrote that book, and there simply is no other like it anywhere.

You have written:

>> His memory seems to be selective, he lies about the past, tells others versions of our life together that are extreme and untrue, and forgets his role in anything, including things he says days ago...is this typical, the selective memory and reshaping of the past to make the "other" person the bad guy?

Yes, pretty much.  His mind cannot fathom things as they are (and no matter who is/was at fault), so he only makes mention of things he can either fit or handle in an “alternate reality” that does not damage his ego and/or re-open his wounds.

>> Also, I was told that people in recovery should not get involved with anyone ...

Actually, people like us should have never been involved with anyone at all until well after we had been straightened out.  While still in our natural states, we alcoholics can only produce havoc in the lives of others.

>> Our divorce is not final until September and we have a six year old, who is being very emotionally damaged over this.

Do you have any healthy-minded and possibly even “religious” family members, relatives or friends, Jewish preferred, willing to provide for you and your husband’s son so you can be with him as a mother should, and to teach him right things?

Please stay in touch ...

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com