Expert: Rebos - 10/30/2007

Question
I'm concerned my sister has a drinking and drug problem.  She's been smoking pot daily for about 4 years.  She also drinks every day.  Recently her boyfriend broke up with her because she was having difficulty finding a job.  She lived with me for a few weeks before we found her a place.  It was very difficult.  A lot of fighting.  I've been going to al-anon for an exboyfriend who was a pretty bad alcoholic.  Sometimes I feel similar frustrated feelings towards my sister.  She's let me down countless times but attributes this to her depression.  She's on antidepressants too.  Whenever we're together, she wants to drink.  Every single time.  She's been drinking daily for about 2 years.  Not to the point where she's intoxicated, but definitely feeling good.

I'm very worried about her, but also don't really know how to help her.  We got into a fight the last time we were together. We went to dinner at a bar and she wanted to stay longer (cuz she didn't have to work the next day) and so I left her there by herself.

She has very low self esteem but is making no attempt to get help.  

Let me just add that sometimes she can be the sweetest, most loving person on the earth.

So, here's my question:  

Do you think she has a drinking problem?  

Answer
Good afternoon Sari and thank you for your question. I hope that you don’t mind me taking some liberties in my answer to you. I am wondering if you cannot or will not recognize what you are faced with when it comes to the relationship that you have with your sister.

I would say that your sister fits the description of an alcoholic! She drinks every day because she has to drink everyday, and it makes no difference what you call her… she is an addict and when a person is addicted to alcohol, they are called alcoholics. You being a member of Alanon should know that it’s possible that you may be enabling your sister. The next time that she asks you to go to dinner with her, you should say no, and tell her the reason why. That reason should be; because you will not sit by and watch someone that you love continue to kill herself by the drink. In fact if she drinks every time that she and you get together… just stop getting together with her, and tell her why! Whatever you do don’t threaten her and not follow thru with your threat, because you will in a way be giving her permission to continue drinking.

Your sister is depressed because alcohol IS A DEPRESSANT! Maybe you don’t think that she’s intoxicated, because you may not have seen her sober for such a long time that you forgot what she is like when she doesn’t drink.

Her ex-boyfriend (if he was a boyfriend in the full sense of the word) wouldn’t have left her only because she was having difficulty in finding a job… The breakup must have been about a lot more than she has told you. Maybe he was sick and tired of having a girlfriend that is a drunk. You do know that alcoholics lie about their drinking, and will do anything to protect their right to drink. As a member of Alanon I would hope that you have a sponsor that you talk to regularly. Also, you should not be attending Alanon for your ex-boyfriend or your sister… you should be going to Alanon for YOU! Doesn’t your 1st step of Alanon’s 12 Steps of Recovery say… that you admitted you are powerless over alcohol – that your life had become unmanageable? The only one that you can change is you!

I hope that I have not offended you in answering more than the question you asked, and if I didn’t care about people who have an active alcoholic in their lives I would have just answered <YES your sister has a drinking problem>.

If I can be of further help please contact me again. Thank you, Rebos.