Expert: Rebos - 1/25/2007

Question
My sister has been drinking for 30 years.  She is a cronic alcoholic.  She has been in and out of jobs all her life and kicked out of apartments.  When my mother died she moved in with my father.  She verbally, mentally and physically abused him.  She assulted him one day when she was drunk and we had to call the police and charges were filed against her and she went to jail.  I moved in with my father and put my life on hold to care for him.  She has an apartment close by.  There is an order of protection that she stay away from my father for 3 years. She got really drunk a week before Xmas and she called my cousin who called me and when I went to her apartment I had to call the ambulance.  She was only in the hospital overnight and she was able to go back to her apartment.  Dad wanted her here for Xmas so I agreed and Xmas was fine.  She wants to move back in with dad but he said no.  Dad wanted me to check up on her last week and I did but I had to call a police officer because she was drunk and I did not want to be alone with her.  She attacked me a couple of times as well when she was living with dad when I was trying to get her to stop drinking.  I think she lost her job and I also think that she is going to get evicted from her present apartment.  I think she owes a lot of money too.  I told dad that I cant and wont help her if she wont help herself and if he wanted her to move back in with him then I was going to move out.  Im waiting to see what happens rignt now.  Could there be something else wrong with her besides the drinking?  She talks two different voices when she is drunk and she has an apartment filled with dolls that she thinks are real.  Also dad is worried that she is going to kill herself.  Im not sure if she is suicidal or not but when she drinks and drives I always wonder if she is going to run into someone on purpose in order to kill herself.  Sometimes people really do that.

Answer
Good afternoon Ann:

Thank you for your question and I am sorry to read that your sister and family are in such bad shape.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that your sister will eventually have to face up to in order to stop drinking for the long haul. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before she will continue to drink again and again no matter how many times she may promise anyone to stop drinking. For any alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, or even switching to “near beer” with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor understands that he or she is dealing with an addicted person. Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet!

It would be wise for you and your father (if he can) to attend Alanon meetings. If you go to Alanon you will find that your problem is not quite as unique as you may think. At Alanon you would learn how to live with having an alcoholic sister in your life, learn the truth about the disease of alcoholism and learn to detach from her alcoholism with love. Alanon is intended to help you (the effected non-drinker) and not the alcoholic. In order for you to get on with your life with a sister who is a drunk and live with any peace of mind you must learn to help yourself. At Alanon you will meet people who also have an alcoholic in their lives, and that their own lives have become unmanageable as a result of it. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone who comes into contact an alcoholic. Alcoholics are not bad people they are very sick people who need help, but THEY MUST BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS! If your sister is physically abusing you or your father then she should be brought up on charges and re-arrested. If you don’t have her arrested and re-invoke the restraining order then you and your father are “enabling” her to continue on doing worse things, because she knows that she will not pay for the consequences of her actions and she will be saved by you or your father time and time again. In a way every time you get her out of a jam you are giving her permission to continue drinking. You may not be able to do anything about your sister’s drinking, but you can do something about the problem that has already developed in your life, by having an alcoholic in it. Until you are armed with the right kind of information as to what you can do about straightening out your own life you are destined to be miserable and continually be drawn into her life’s problems. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. If you do not have your local Alanon number call toll-free: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

I am not sure if I can help you with the possibility that your sister may have a split personality. It usually takes quite a bit of testing by a professional analyst and takes a while to be sure of the medical diagnosis. What ever you or your father do…never make any threat to her that you or he is not 100% willing to follow through with!

With that being said there is what is known as a Doctor Jeckel and Mr. Hyde syndrome that many alcoholics (when they are drunk) experience. It is a personality change that sometimes may be for the good or may be for the bad. But in any case the drunk may not even remember what they have said or done during that time of personality change. I would take a guess that your sister started out drinking to escape from herself, and then became addicted to alcohol whereas she has no longer control of her drinking or not. That is only my opinion. I am not a physician and cannot speak as one.

I do know of one thing however, that if your father allows her to live with him…you should wash your hands fully and completely from the situation, and MAKE SURE THAT YOUR FATHER UNDERSTANDS THAT! You have to be strong and not get drawn back into your life being controlled by a drunk! I hope that your father goes to Al-Anon with you. Thank you, Rebos.