Expert: Rebos - 3/4/2007

Question
Dear Rebos,
I wrote about two months ago. My son with the DUI will be coming up in front of the magistrate at the end of the month. It's in our Sunday paper this morning this is how it goes: "William IV 24 of ... charged on Jan 22 by borough police with DUI, criminal mischief and careless driving . Court papers show Balint caused $2500 damage to a chain-link fence while parking a car in a lot. A preliminary hearing is scheduled for March 26."

I was trying to keep this from my husband but he found out at work because ironically the head of Safety and Security at the University that my husband works at is the guy that's fence was damaged. It was an awful way for my husband to find out.
My question is this Should I help pay for a lawyer. I have taken this car from my son and he hasn't driven since the incident two months ago. I will never help him drive again. My husband wants to see my son in jail again. He doesn't think we're helping to enable him. But I see this as something that will go on his record and keep him from getting employment and of course the idea of him being in jail causes me a lot of anxiety. I am the one who got him the car and deep down I knew better so I feel to blame. I thought maybe Id help him and then write him a letter that I no longer want a relationship with him until he gets into treatment for good. My mother in law a recovered alcoholic also feels that we should pay for a lawyer. My husband gets very angry when I talk about my son. So I really don't have any one to talk too. I know I need to get a councelor my old one is out on maternity leave or start going to alanon meetings somewhere. I have two other children and my 16yo just got an underage when she was 14 she overdosed on alcohol was put on a vent but recovered. My middle son seems to do every thing right. But I feel that I failed as a mother and I feel that society is telling me this too especially since I live in a small town and everybody knows everybody. Ive actually thought about ending my life because I cant take the pain. My family is a failure and all I ever wanted was a healthy family. thanks for listening to me vent. Amy

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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
My son is 24 years old and an alcoholic.  Two years ago he was forced out of our house after his behavior became unbearable. He had been arrested at least a dozen times starting at the age of 15.

Recently he convinced me that if I helped him get a car he'd be able to get a job. He quit a steady job to take a better job but lost it after 3 weeks. He assured me that his drinking was "under control". I as his mother hated to see him walk or beg for rides so I got him the car hoping that he had grown in these two year away from home. I'm sure you can guess. He called me at work sobbing to say he got a DUI while parked in a lot less than two months of getting the car. He said his worst nightmare came true.

My worst nightmare is that some innocent person will get killed. So I asked for the car and he gave me the keys.
I put the car in his name because I didn't want to be associated with it in case he did something stupid. My husband and I could loose everything.
What do I do with this car? I know when the shock wears off he is going to ask for the keys back.  
He says he wants to quit but he refuses to go to rehab or AA saying that it's torture but he would be willing to go to a counselor. I don't know of any really good counselors.
I don't think he will quit. His girlfriend drinks and may have a problem herself and she's number one to him. Just about all of his associates drink.
Any suggestions on helping him and what to do with this car would be appreciated.
Thanks for your time    Amy

-----Answer-----
Good afternoon Amy, and thank you for your question. Although my answer is directed to you, your husband is also included.

If you really want to get involved in helping your son the best advice that I can give you is to start attending Alanon meetings. If you don’t already know, Alanon is a world–wide “anonymous program” attended by people who have an alcoholic in their lives and don’t know what to do about it. By attending Alanon meetings you will find that your situation is not quite as unique as you may think. At Alanon you will learn about the disease of alcoholism and how you can manage “YOUR” unmanageable life as a result of your son’s alcoholism. You will quickly be relieved to know that there is hope for you, (as others have) whom you will meet there. There is no cost to attend, and meetings usually last about an hour. As a fringe benefit, in addition to learning how to help you contend with your son’s drinking you may (if you choose) also make many long lasting friendships. At the meetings you will learn how to “say what you mean… mean what you say and… not be mean when you say it”. You will learn how to emotionally detach from your son’s alcoholism… with love. You will also learn how to live “guilt free” when you find that you are not the problem but the victim. You will also learn how to be strong enough to resist the negative influence that he has over your life. Alanon is intended to help you, not the alcoholic directly. If it is at all possible to help your son you must first learn to help yourself. Alcoholism is a societal disease that affects everyone (friends, family, and employers etc) who comes into contact with an active alcoholic. Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people who need help, but they must be held responsible for their actions! You may not be able to do anything about your son’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic in it. Until you are armed with the right kind of information and understand the disease for what it really is, then your efforts to help your son will be a waste of time.

Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. For meeting locations, you can call your local Al-Anon chapter by checking your local phone book under "Alcoholism" or calling the following toll-free numbers: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you choose not to go to Alanon the least you can do is to stop trying to control a situation that is totally uncontrollable by you. You have to understand that you are totally powerless over your son’s drinking, and until he is sick and tired of being sick and tired then he may do something about his drinking problem. I say may do something about his drinking problem, because if he may be one of those poor souls that do not have the capacity of being honest about their situation.

It is believed by many in the field of alcoholism that it is a three-fold illness…mental, physical and spiritual.

The “mental” part of the illness refers to the alcoholic’s mental obsession to drink. If you will, the thought that precedes the first drink... a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. In so many words, thinking about the drink in between the drinks. The alcoholic never seems to worry about the drink in front of them, but they continually think of the next one. The “physical” aspect of the disease is that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over in the form of a deep incessant craving that the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them or they pass out. The “spiritual” part of the illness (not spiritual in a religious way) is in the loss of the alcoholic’s values, and a willingness to settle for less and less as the drinking continues. It becomes difficult for the alcoholic to determine the difference between right and wrong or good and bad. The alcoholic develops a change in priorities where drinking becomes more important than health, family, job and friends. A determining factor of alcoholism is that it makes no difference… how much a person drinks, where they drink it, what they drink or who even who they drink it with, the key is; what does it do to them when they drink? If drinking causes problems then it is a problem! It is unfortunate that your son’s girlfriend may also have a drinking problem. That fact is detrimental to him developing a desire to stop drinking, so if you can’t control you son’s drinking it’s sure you won’t have any say over his girlfriend’s drinking.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but “a symptom of a deeper underlying problem” that must be faced up to by the alcoholic in order for an alcoholic to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before the alcoholic has to drink again. There is an old saying; “that once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again”. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down… drinking only on weekends… changing what they drink… or even switching to “near beer” with .05% alcohol in it.. For the alcoholic nothing will work that is short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor fully "understands" that he or she is dealing with an addicted person.

Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping drinking. A bottom can be likened to going down on an elevator. The alcoholic can get of at any floor they want to. There is no need for him to go all the way to the bottom floor. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! There is hope, for there are many alcoholics that have stopped drinking and stayed stopped under the right conditions. On the other hand, even when a person is in a recovery program and has stayed sober for an extremely long period of time there is little guarantee that they can stay sober unless they remain vigilant and continue with their recovery on a one day at a time basis. There can be no let up, not even for a moment!

I hope that you have not become an "enabler", for it is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. The enabler may be meeting a need of their own rather that the need of the alcoholic. If an enabler has no special knowledge about alcoholism and they try to help, the alcoholic can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued again and again. In a backhanded way an enabler is giving the alcoholic “permission” to drink by their continued acceptance of the alcoholic’s unacceptable behavior. Making “excuses” for your son has to be stopped in order for him to pay the price for drinking. Because alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. Every time you get your son out of a jam, or in any way allow him to get away with being irresponsible, you are really buying your son his next drink. Alcoholics are users! They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They don’t really have family, lovers, wives, husbands, children or friends they have “victims” and they take “hostages” as long as they can get away with it. In the long run enabling your son will not only destroy him, but also take you and your husband with him.

Until your son “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing him problems there is little you can do for him. Even those poor unfortunates that are in shelters “admit” that they are having a problem with drinking, (and may even admit that they are alcoholics) but it is their “acceptance” to the point of doing something positive about it, is what counts. No one can scare an alcoholic into stopping drinking. Cajoling, hand-wringing, threatening, begging and even putting him away against his will, will not get him to stop doing what he has not made up his own mind to do. Don't think that he does not want to stop drinking… he can't stop when left to his own devices. Also, don't be lulled into thinking that he will stop drinking just because he says that he will. It's not that he purposely lie  to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he is afraid to stop. Alcoholism is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. An alcoholic’s choices become limited to: attending a recovery program like AA, or entering an in-patient detoxification clinic that has an after care outpatient program. I have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking on their willpower alone. The disease is too powerful. However, it is sometimes dangerous for an alcoholic to stop drinking on their own without proper medical supervision. Withdrawal from alcohol can be very difficult and sometimes physically dangerous. By your son agreeing to go to a counselor, but not AA or a detox clinic…he is just conning you! He is looking for an easier softer way instead of being serious about getting sober for the long haul. Most counselors will tell their alcoholic clients that they should, in conjunction with their therapy, to also go to AA. Unfortunately the counselor cannot force them to go. Stop allowing him to run the show! He’s “gottawanna” stop drinking in order for anything to work! Unfortunately recovery programs and sobriety like AA is not for people who need it, but for people who want it.

Emotions being what they are will tend to cloud your ability to think rationally, and cause you to see your situation in a distorted way. The level of your emotional pain is directly related to your need to run the show and control the situation. The more you try to control a situation the deeper your pain will be. It cannot be done alone when your emotions are in charge. It is natural for you to want to retreat into yourself and leave town...so to speak. You must allow those who have the answers for you (Alanon) to help you through it. When we allow others to help it is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of your strength. There is no reason for you to feel that you have failed at something you have no control over.

Regarding the car that you bought him; you do know that if he wants to he can, insist legally, to take possession of it. You are not his warden or his keeper. If he planned right then he should have another set of keys to take the car when he is hurting enough for a drink.

I hope that I have helped you with my answer. I wish you the very best and hope that you resolve your present situation. Unfortunately there is no good fairy that will tap your son on the shoulder and make him “all better”. It will take a lot of hard work. Once again until your son gets tired of being sick and tired there is not too much you can do except to learn all that you can by going to Alanon and seriously consider what I have stated above. Hate the disease not the patient. But don’t be afraid to hurt his feelings by letting him know the TRUTH as to how you feel about his drinking. When you do talk to him “say what you mean…mean what you say…but don’t be mean when you say it”, however never make any threats to him that you are not 100% willing to carry through with.

If there is anything further that I can do for you please do not hesitate to contact me again through Allexperts. Thank you, Rebos.  

Answer
Good afternoon Amy:

Thank you for your follow-up question. I am sorry to hear that your son hasn’t done anything constructive about his drinking problem and I am especially sorry that you kept the news from your husband about your son at the time that it happened. You apparently allowed your emotions (about your son’s accident) to get the better of you, and you prayed that your husband wouldn’t find out. You did say that you live in a small town that “everybody knows everybody”. So for sure he would have heard about it. Believe me when I say that your husband is hurting too, but men hurt in a way that most women can’t understand. It’s not that he doesn’t love his son, but he is disappointed not only in him but in himself, for thinking as you do, by failing at being a good father… the same as you feel, plus of course his embarrassment at his job.

IF YOU ARE SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING TO ENDING YOUR LIFE IT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO SEE A COUNSELOR IMMEDIATELY! IF YOU CANNOT GET AN APPOINTMENT RIGHT AWAY THEN SEE YOUR FAMILY DOCTOR OR TURN YOURSELF IN TO YOUR LOCAL POLICE STATION ASAP!

There is no shame in being an alcoholic… the shame is in doing nothing about it. You can’t take the blame for the actions of your children (especially so when it comes to an addiction). I am only sorry that you didn’t go to Al-Anon after our first exchange of e-mails. However, it is never too late for you to attend their meetings. You may be surprised as to who you will see there. After you take care of your thoughts as to hurting yourself, you apparently have another reason to go to Al-Anon… your daughter.

Concerning as to whether you should aid your son to engage a lawyer to defend him… I have no right in advising you as to what you should do. But I will say this; as far as paying the $2500 in damages that he caused, I would say absolutely not! I assume that your son has continued to drink since the time of his accident. That’s unfortunate because if he started going to AA during that time the courts could have been very lenient on him, especially so since it was a first offense. There is still time for him to make an effort to go into treatment and then to AA, even if means that he misses his court appearance date while he is in treatment. His lawyer can tell the court that he is in treatment, and they can “continue” his court appearance. It will be the best chance for him to not serve any jail time. The court (at his lawyer’s suggestion) could sentence him to go to AA as his sentence. It will be a good way, in any case, for your son to be exposed to a recovery program like AA.

I sincerely hope that I have given you some things to think about, but first and foremost take care of yourself. I hope that in some small way that I have helped you with your situation. Thank you, Rebos