Expert: Rebos - 12/31/2007

Question
I am so upset right now. I just don't know what to do. I know that I should end this relationship for the upteenth time in six years off and on, but I feel so bad because w have a 4 year old daughter that is being pulled into this. To give some background, from reading the other post, it appears that my boyfriend is an alcoholic. I do not know if it is the alcohol, his abusive upbringing or both that causes him to act out! We reunited in July. We had been apart for over a year. My daughter told him that she wanted him to come home. He seemed to have been touched so much by it that he swore he would change finally. I gave in because I felt bad that my daughter would grow up without a dad. So, we tried. Things have been going ok, but not perfect. I could see that he was trying to maintain control even when angry. However, as he found a job and became more financially able, he began drinking heavily, even more than before. He would be a 12 pack, drink it up and then go and by somemore. It seemed as if he did not have a bottom. I would ask him if he thought that he drink too much. He says no because I am a "square" and he has been doing this for years. He knows how to handle it. So, I asked him if he did not have a problem, why when we were together prior, he attended AA meetings. He did not answer. He did attend a couple, but did not continue. I then asked him if he would atleast cut down the drinking for me. He then said to me that everyone that knows him, know that he is going to drink. So, I guess that gave me my answer. I then said to him, if you want to be a drunk then ok. He ofcourse got angry and said to me if he is a drunk, then why does he go to work and give me money to pay bills. I just told him that I did not call him a drunk. I said if he wanted to be one so be it. He then let it go. Well that was last weekend. His birthday is 12/31. So this last week when he got paid, he gave me half his check and said to me not to say anything during his birthday week because he was going to buy his alcohol. He first said that he was going to buy a half a gallon of gin. I said no he was not bringing that into my house. He then bought two 12 packs, a pint of gin, and some Long Island Ice Tea, way too much for him. He then asked me if he could leave in my car. I said no, he then got angry. I allowed him to go down the street. He went to play pool. Well, he came back angrier than ever. He began to pick arguments with me and got angry when I ignored hi. He said that I did not care about him and he would go back where he came from. I said no you are not. He then got mad because I yelled at him. He took my car keys off the counter and left. He came back 6 hours later. I thought he had cooled off. He came into my bedroom and said that he was tired of my s--- and he was going to straighten me out for good. He was going to tell everyone how I was not so innocent. I told him to go to bed, he would not. He then continued to appear angry and everything I said, was not the right thinh. He was angry. I then told him to let me check on the baby. I got up and left. I was scared that he would harm me. So, I called the police. They came to my house. I told them that he was drinking and I would call someone to get him. Well, they ended up arresting him because they said they did not want him to hurt me. They charged him with simple battery. I told them that he did not hit me and that I was only trying to prevent anything from happening. When they arrived, he had another beer. I am just soo upset and confused. I do not want him to loose his job but I know that I had to look out for my baby and I. Also, I did not want him arrested, I just wanted him out. He never touched me "physically". I was just afraid that in that drunken state, he may have ended up doing something, and usually it is throwing something or hitting something. Please help!! He has a bond set for tomorrow. I know my daughter will miss him, but I also know that I can not go through this again. Any advice will be appreciated

Answer
Good morning Angela and thank you for your question. You being an adult have only the fear of the unknown as to what the future will bring if you decide to leave your husband. Unfortunately your choice has become limited to; protecting the well being of your daughter or continuing to remain married to a drunk whose actions will have a negative affect on your daughter for the rest of her life. You are the only one who can answer that question… fear of the ”unknown” or “knowing” what will happen to your daughter having a drunk for a father.

Whether or not you intend to remain married to this man… I recommend that you start going to Al-Anon meetings. You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your and your daughter’s life having an active alcoholic in it. At Alanon you will find out what you can do to “maybe” help him by first learning to help yourself. Until you are armed with the right kind of information about the disease of alcoholism, your efforts to help him, yourself or your daughter will not work. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. Your husband should never be rewarded for his irresponsible actions. He must be held responsible for them. Something must be done to stop his spiral downward. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to go to Alanon (which I hope you do) remember that dirty four letter word TIME. There should be afternoon meetings available to you. Give Alanon time to work and tell him that you will be going to meetings, because of his drinking and the verbal abuse that he puts you and your daughter thru! It is my opinion that his verbal abuse will eventually end up being physical! You as a sober mother have an obligation to PROTECT YOUR CHILD AT ALL TIMES! Alcoholics are not capable of loving any thing other than their alcohol. Alcoholics aren’t capable of being husbands, father, friends, or lovers. Alcoholics have “victims” and take “hostages” because they can only love their alcohol!

One bit of advice that I will give you… and that is… never make any threat to him that you are not willing to follow through with! I am sorry that I could not be of more help to you. Thank you Rebos