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Addiction to Alcohol/sponsors role in personal relationships

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Expert: - 5/29/2007


Question
my (now) ex is being sponsored by someone (not directly through AA).  this person told him he could not sponsor him if he continued to speak to me about his personal issues to me and that he should not talk about his problems to me.  i met the sponsor once and he told my ex that he should not be around me and that i was bad for him. i am not an alcholic although this is something i have investigated since my ex discovered AA. i am worried that the sponsor wants to my ex to cut off all ties and remove all people who are close to him and are worried that the sponsors tactics are not healthy and that he has done this to control my ex.

how can any relationship survive and how can you support your loved one if they are not allowed to speak to you.  once the sponsor said i was bad for my boyfriend, he then did all he could to prove the sponsor right.  am i right to be concerned. are sponsors supposed to interfere in relationships like that?  i dont want my ex to drink if it is bad for him and was initially worried about the sponsor more than AA as it seems like he is making his own little cult, but the more i read about AA, the more i see how much it is like a cult.  i dont want to leave him to be eaten up by this man, but want him to get well.  he hides his feeligs with substances, so needs some help or guidance and i want him to have a fighting chance of seeing light at the end of the tunnel.  what can i do?

Answer
Hi there-

Thanks so much for your question - it tells me you want to move past where you are.

I think what you are discussing is one of my biggest pet peeves about various tenets of 12-step programs and sponsors. Sponsors are people, not trained therapists. There have been many instances where a sponsor would encourage a person to quit taking their anti-depressants. I see this and become very concerned. Many times a sponsor will push their own agenda rather than encourage personal responsibility.

While 12-step programs can be helpful, they are not as Kabir said...the only road to home.. Your ex/sweetie needs support to remain sober, but needs objective feedback..

I tend to agree with your perception about AA as a cult - and I am sure there are many people who would feel the same.

My suggestion is that you tell your sweetie/ex that you would like to seek couples therapy - and of course a good therapist would be able to see through this ruse the sponsor has. If your husband agrees you would have a person in your corner who would overrule what the sponsor said...if your sweetie tells you that his sponsor said no, then you would begin to see a subtle pattern of boundary violations...some people see it as brainwashing...

Your sweetie/ex needs to have feedback with you in the room from an independent professional. I am only hearing your side of the story so I don't have a total picture,,,but I have heard this enough to know that what you are seeing and feeling is valid.

If your sweetie does not get support (couples therapy) then I suggest that perhaps you find a support group that will encourage support for you through this...you are worth it and you deserve it.

I hope this was helpful - you are always welcome to write back and let me know how it works out.

Todd  

Addiction to Alcohol

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Todd

Expertise

I sense it's important to let you know (upfront) that I don't have a 12-step orientation. I also want to let you know that this system won't allow us to make paragraphs, so I am using ** to separate my thoughts into paragraphs I can answer questions related to getting/staying sober, queries related to support for loved ones, questions on support groups, relapse prevention, communication skills, alcohol and drug pharmacology, spirituality, and finding ways to increase joy within sobriety. I see sobriety as a skill, understand that recovery looks different for everybody, and encourage people to find a sobriety mentor. **It has been my experience that in 12-step groups many people are seen to fail under the guise of a lack of willingness. When I used to attend meetings I'd see many people who were shamed and bullied over various medications they needed to take...telling people they can't take various medications is akin to playing God. I have yet to understand how taking MH meds is any different than taking any other medication which you need to thrive and support your health. **As there is so much shame, stigma, myths, and misinformation in this culture around CD (many of my clients will tell you that it is easier to be mentally ill than it is to have any sort of chemical dependency issue - in some way people are seen to be able to control their alcohol/drug using behaviors..not so with mental illness) folks first need to come to a place where they move beyond the stigma they internalize. **There is a term in social psychology called 'introjection'.....that is, when this culture views something in a certain way, we take on the facets of that stereotype...think about CD or folks who are gay/lesbian...this culture views these things in a negative way...we internalize this and feel poorly as a result.....as a mentor said, our culture fails gravely at being humane

Experience

I've been working in the field of addictions for nearly 27 years, within the inpatient and outpatient setting, as well as working in the Department of Corrections, the Director of Counseling for a large chemical dependency hospital, to where I'm currently employed doing in-home mental health and chemical dependency engagement with (mostly) seniors. I also have a contract gig running the entire CD program for a long-term transitional program to support people to overcome homelessness. As I've been doing this work for many years I am currently teaching a college class: intro to chemical dependency. It's been neat to see my students 'get it' and understand that they can have a huge impact on people and how they navigate their recovery. I've been sober for over 29 years and have a sense of what is required to maintain long-term sobriety and abstinence, and engage lasting change. **I am a huge fan of various anti-craving medications. In some recovery circles this is taboo, however, it's been my experience that there is no reward for suffering. **I also understand that as recovery looks different for everybody, perhaps someone's program could be riding a bike, spending time with family, doing yoga, swimming, writing in a journal, spending time with friends, therapy, playing with a pet, reading spiritual literature, etc....it seems to me that many paths have merit.

Organizations
National/state organizations relative to chemical dependency and addictive disorders.

Publications
http://www.askanaddictioncounselor.com

Education/Credentials
Degree/certification as a chemical dependency counselor, and state certification as an addiction professional.I'm working towards further graduate studies in clinical psychopharmacology.

Awards and Honors
Last year I was invited to do a five-hour presentation on various facets of addictive disorders as a very large behavioral health hospital. I was somewhat resistant as I was a bit nervous to speak in front of 2000 people. I had no idea my approach would be so welcome. I sense that it's hard to remember how much we know.

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