Addiction to Alcohol/My spouse

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Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 12/4/2007


Question
Hi, about almost a year ago I got with my spouse. She has been clean
from drugs and alcohol for a little over a year now. She had a bad
break-up with a female and turned to drugs and alcohol to ease her troubles
so to speak. Before that she only did them once in a great while.  So
for two months she went down that road, went to rehab, and then we got
together when she was clean for about 2 months clean. Now she wants to
drink once in awhile. I have stopped her up until now, but she is saying
she is her own person and shouldnt be told what to do. I can't always
be around to stop her. What should I do, should I let her drink? I am
tired of fighting with her over not drinking, she says she wants to do
it once a while. Is it okay for her do to if she really sticks to only
having it once in a great while again like she used to besides for the
period when she had a bad break-up? I appreciate any help!

Answer
Greetings again, Kim.

You had written:

>> ... she is saying she is her own person and shouldn’t be told what to do.

In reality, none of us is our own, yet we do seem to have free will ... and certainly that would include your continued efforts to try to tell her what to do if you wish.

>> I can't always be around to stop her. What should I do, should I let her drink?

You answered your own question there, but yes, you might as well give up trying to get her to live her life the way you want her to live it.

>> I am tired of fighting with her over not drinking ...
>> Is it okay for her do to if she really sticks to only having it once in a great while again like she used to besides for the period when she had a bad break-up?

Again: Some people can drink safely, and some cannot.  It is typical for an alcoholic to believe he or she can drink safely after being sober for a time, but such is almost never the case.  Here are a couple of “tests” from “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book:

1) “We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself.  Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking.  Try to drink [just two or three] and stop abruptly.  Try it more than once [on different days].  It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it.  It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition.” (pages 31-32)

The issue there is the phenomenon of craving that takes place when one drink demands another.

2) “As we look back, we feel we had gone on drinking many years beyond the point where we could quit [altogether] on our will power.  If anyone questions whether he has entered this dangerous area, let him try leaving liquor alone for one year.  If he is a real alcoholic and very far advanced, there is scant chance of success.  In the early days of our drinking we occasionally remained sober for a year or more, becoming serious drinkers again later.  Though you may be able to stop for a considerable period, you may yet be a potential alcoholic.  We think few, to whom this book will appeal, can stay dry anything like a year.  Some will be drunk the day after making their resolutions; most of them within a few weeks.” (page 34)

Maybe the above will help you a little ...

Joseph Lee O.
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Greetings to you, Kim.

Some people can drink safely, and some cannot, and I do not know about your spouse.  It is typical for an alcoholic to believe he or she can drink safely after being sober for a time, but such is almost never the case.

Joseph Lee O.

Addiction to Alcohol

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Joseph Lee O.

Expertise

Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.

Experience

The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken. Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along. At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ... ... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.

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