Expert: Rebos - 7/26/2007

Question
my elderly stepfather is alcoholic and refuses to get help. the home situation my mom and him is getting to be, we feel dangerous., eg. driving, not keeping drs. appointments, eating and taking thier meds. my mother does not drink but lies for him.his kids and myself and my brother are always told no assisted living, no home care, we feel because he is afraid of losing the beer he drinks to drunkenness every day.  even a dr. after a recent fall mentioned assisted living and they both said nothing doing. what can we or should we do in this sad and difficult situation.  thank you for any reply. sam

Answer

Good afternoon Sam and thank you for your question.

I don’t envy the position that you and your brother are in. On one hand you have an alcoholic and on the other you have an enabler of the first order that lies for her  alcoholic husband. I am sorry to say that you and your brother are not only completely powerless over your alcoholic stepfather’s drinking, but with a mother who compounds the problem by accepting his irresponsible actions. It’s normally hard enough to get someone on the road to recovery when there is no enabler involved in the equation and since your mother is apparently satisfied with the way things are… then you are faced with an unsolvable situation by you or your brother. Unless the state in which you live has laws that are for the protection of seniors who are in danger that they may harm themselves, there is little that I know of what steps you might take beyond seeking legal advice from an attorney.

You and your brother need Al-Anon meetings. If you don't already know, Alanon is a world–wide “anonymous program” attended by people who have an alcoholic in their lives and don't know what to do about it. By attending Alanon meetings you will find that your situation is not quite as unique as you may think. At Alanon you will learn about the disease of alcoholism and how you can manage “your” life as a result of your stepfather's alcoholism and your mother’s enabling. You will quickly be relieved to know that there is hope for you, as others have who you will meet there. There is no cost to attend, and meetings usually last about an hour. As a fringe benefit, in addition to learning how to help you with your stepfather's drinking and your mother’s enabling you may (if you choose) also make many long lasting friendships. At the meetings you will learn how to “say what you mean… mean what you say and… not be mean when you say it”. You will learn how to emotionally detach from your stepfather's alcoholism with love. You will also learn how to live “guilt free” when you find that you are not the problem but the potential victims of alcoholism. You will also learn how to be strong enough to resist the negative influence that he and your mother has over your life. Alanon is intended to help you, not the alcoholic directly. If it is at all possible to help your stepfather you must first learn to help yourself. Alcoholism is a societal disease that affects everyone (friends, family, and employers etc) who comes into contact with an active alcoholic. Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people who need help, but they must be held responsible for their actions! You may not be able to do anything about your father's drinking but you can do something about the problem of concern that has developed in your life. Until you are armed with the right kind of information and understand the disease for what it really is, your efforts to help will be a waste of time. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. For meeting locations, you can call your local Al-Anon chapter by checking your local phone book under "Alcoholism" or calling the following toll-free numbers: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you choose not to go to Alanon the least you can do is to stop trying to control a situation that is uncontrollable.

Thank you and if there is anything further that I can do for you please send me a follow-up question. Thank you Rebos