Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 12/19/2007

Question
I'm sorry if this is long winded, I will keep it as brief as possible. My boyfriend and I (he lives with me) have been together for 3yrs now. He is currently legally separated from his wife. He and I began going out together, alot of it at restaurants and pubs. I thought he was fun, witty, charming, spontaneous. Here we are 3yrs later. I know now that he has an alcohol & coke problem. His "going out" now, only occasionally includes me. He goes to dinner with his kids... then comes home @ 3am after stopping at "his bars" with "his friends". He's older than me, 47 and I'm 37. There are a million and one excuses for his behavior. ie; i stopped to see my friends, so and so died, had dinner with co-workers, i had a bad day, i need some alone time, bla bla bla. He goes to work everyday, works very hard, pays all his bills on time, pays his child support and then some, doesn't get DUIs (god knows how in the condition he comes home in) sometimes I secretly pray he does to wake him up. He blames me, tells me that he thought I was fun, that I used to be laid-back and carefree and that he won't tolerate being told what to do. Problem is I can't be fun with him anymore, he can hardly drink (his version of fun) when we are together because he's hurting from his binges w/friends. I get the scraps. The "lets watch a movie, lets stay in, lets get a good nights sleep" and he calls this quality time. I see it as his recovery from hangover time. I want the guy I used to know back, and he isn't here. we've broken up several times, he usually stays at a hotel or his ex's home- only to come crawling back saying he's sorry, things will be different. (however when he stays and we don't end things- he's NEVER sorry) somehow it is all MY FAULT. If i didn't nag him he wouldn't of gone out, etc. I'm frustrated, confused, sad, hurt. I am smart, make alot of money, own my home, have great children, looks aren't a problem... so why can't I follow through on knowing what is right?  Just like the fact that his divorce isn't final yet, (another issue he avoids) I keep putting up with what I don't believe is fair to me. SO why do I hold out hopeing that funny, charismatic, spontaneous, guy who adored me will show up again. How can I continue to buy into his manipulation- that not calling and coming home late is just a "guy thing"? I don't think coming home smelling like a bottle of vodka and not being able to talk because of coke is a GUY THING. I call it an addict thing. He chalks it up to innocent good times with the boys, with a tortures girlfriend. PLEASE PLEASE help me - I feel like I really am torture, because I keep torturing myself over how I can make things right.

Answer
Greetings to you, Janet.

You have asked:

>> ... why can't I follow through on knowing what is right?
>> ... why do I hold out hoping that funny, charismatic, spontaneous, guy who adored me will show up again.
>> How can I continue to buy into his manipulation ...

All of us have natural and inherent instincts and needs that must somehow be satisfied and met in order for us to feel fulfilled, validated, at peace, happy and so on, and I would guess you fear of ultimate aloneness is now driving you to “hope against hope” that this situation will eventually work out as you had first believed it was and would always be ... or something close to that.

We all live by “faith” in something and/or someone, and that is how we deal with certain facts that might otherwise be unbearable ... and our emotions are affected by how well the object(s) of our “faith” actually make(s) those facts bearable.  You already know the hard facts of your situation, but you are stuck where you are in misery because you have no other direction for your “faith”.

In my own experience, the “knowing what is right” you have mentioned was vital (necessary for life), and I had to learn what that actually is by embracing the experience shared in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book.  As real as alcoholism is for folks who have it, it is nevertheless but a metaphor for the condition shared by all human beings:

“If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient ... many of us would have recovered [from whatever] long ago.  But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save [or ultimately satisfy] us, no matter how much we tried.  We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn't there.  Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly.
“Lack of power, that was our dilemma.  We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves.  Obviously.  But where and how were we to find this Power?
“Well, that's exactly what this book is about.  Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, pages 44-45)

Maybe that kind of solution interests you, or maybe it does not, and I certainly do not preach it at you.

Please know you are always welcomed to write,

Joseph Lee O.
leejosepho@hotmail.com