Expert: Rebos - 12/28/2007

Question
My boyfriend and I just turned 21. We have been dating for almost a year and half. I personally thinks that he has a serious problem with drinking. He is in denial that he even has a problem. He gets drunk every single weekend and on nights when he doesn't have to work the next day. He is in the airforce and his friends are always right beside him offering him drinks. He drinks so much he forgets that I am even his girlfriend, he gets in my face and yells at me. He always turn things around that it is my fault and I never let him do what he wants. I was his Designated Driver on my 21st birthday. He has a serious problem. I have sat down and talked to him about this problem and he changes for a couple days and then the weekend comes around and it is back to being drunk. He lies about going to bed and goes drinking with his friends. I have a serious problem and I have never been in this situation before and I don't know how to help him.

Answer
Good afternoon Danielle and thank you for your question. If your boyfriend is an alcoholic he doesn’t need his friends to goad him into drinking… so don’t blame them for his irresponsible actions! Unfortunately, whether or not you realize it, your boyfriend is verbally abusing you, and you should not put up with any form of abuse! I would expect that it won’t be very long that he will physically abuse you, since he forgets that you are his girlfriend and gets into your face. If he is having blackouts then he has become very dangerous. Alcohol induced blackouts is a form of amnesia from drinking alcohol too much and too often. It eventually causes, what is called a “wet brain”. “The term wet brain refers to a very real condition known as Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome. This chronic brain syndrome is caused by long-term alcoholism and is accompanied by a triad of symptoms: 1) mental disturbance; 2) confusion, drowsiness and paralysis of eye movements; and 3) ataxia or a staggering gait. A primary cause for this is a thiamine (vitamin B1) deficiency due to severe malnutrition and poor intestinal absorption of food and vitamins caused by alcohol. The person with wet brain acts much like the Alzheimer’s victim with loss of recent memory, disorientation with regard to time and place, confusion and confabulation, or telling imagined and untrue experiences as truth. If wet brain is identified in its early onset, an infusion of thiamine (B1) may help. Unfortunately, there is no recovery from Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome. Therefore, it is one of the most tragic consequences of alcoholism”.


By the way if your boyfriend is not going to a program like Alcoholics Anonymous then your boyfriend saying that he will stop drinking on his own is not worth anything, because he is not facing up to the root cause of his drinking. Alcoholism is just a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that you boyfriend must resolve within himself or he will not stop drinking. AA is the place where he will find the answer to his drinking. Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. There is an old saying; “that once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again”. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down… drinking only on weekends… changing what they drink… or even switching to “near beer” made with a content of only 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work that is short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor fully "understands" that he or she is dealing with an addicted person.

Until your boyfriend “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing him problems there is little you can do for him. Even those poor unfortunates that are in shelters “admit” that they are having a problem with drinking, (and may even admit that they are alcoholics) but it is their “acceptance” to the point of doing something positive about it, is what counts. No one can scare an alcoholic into stopping drinking. Even putting them away against their will, will not get them to stop doing what they have not made up their own minds to do. Don't think that your boyfriend does not want to stop drinking… he can't stop when left to his own devices. It's not that he purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he is afraid to stop. Alcoholism is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. An alcoholic’s choices become limited to: attending a recovery program like AA, or entering an in-patient detoxification clinic that has an after care outpatient program. I have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking on their willpower alone. The disease is too powerful. What ever you do NEVER make any threat to him that you are not willing to follow through with, because then you will become an enabler! An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of their actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. An enabler may be meeting a need of their own rather that the need of the alcoholic. If an enabler has no special knowledge about alcoholism and they try to help, the alcoholic can sense the weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued again and again. In a backhanded way an enabler is giving the alcoholic “permission” to drink by their continued acceptance of the alcoholic’s unacceptable behavior.

Because alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. Every time you allow him to get away with being irresponsible, you are really buying him his next drink. Alcoholics are users! They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They don’t really have family, lovers, wives, husbands, children or friends they have “victims” and they take “hostages” as long as they can get away with it. In the long run enabling your boyfriend will not only destroy him, but also take you with him.

If you have read any of my previous answers the advice that I have given to others in your position is to strongly recommend Alanon meetings, that is, if you intend to remain in your relationship with an active alcoholic. As a matter of fact even if an alcoholic is in a recovery program like Alcoholics Anonymous I still recommend that the spouse or girlfriend attend Alanon meetings! I assume that you know what Al-Anon is. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone (negatively) that comes into contact with an alcoholic. You can either start YOUR recovery process now – or keep the illness going. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your boyfriend’s drinking is to gain knowledge and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Al-Anon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to not go to Al-Anon the least that you can do is to stop trying to control something that you can’t control. Emotions being what they are will tend to cloud your ability to think rationally, and cause you to see your situation in a distorted way. The level of your emotional pain will be directly related with your need to run the show and control the situation. The more you try to control a situation the deeper your pain will be. It cannot be done alone when your emotions are in charge. It will be natural for you to want to retreat into yourself... so to speak. You must allow those who have the answers for you (Alanon) to help you through it. When you allow others to help you it is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of your strength. There is no reason for you to feel that you have failed at something you have no control over.

I hope that I have helped you with my answer. I wish you the very best and hope that you resolve your present situation. Unfortunately there is no good fairy that will tap your boyfriend on the shoulder and make him “all better”. It will take a lot of hard work. Until he gets “tired of being sick and tired” there is not very much that you can do except to learn all that you can by going to Alanon or consider breaking-up with him. If your boyfriend does nothing to get help for his alcoholism then he is setting you up for a lifetime of unhappiness and misery. If you intend to have any children with him the odds are that your children will be greatly affected by a father who is a drunk. Hate the disease not the patient. But don’t be afraid to hurt his feelings by letting him know the TRUTH as to how you feel about his drinking. When you do talk to him “say what you mean…mean what you say…but don’t be mean when you say it”, but (again) REMEMBER, NEVER MAKE ANY THREATS TO HIM THAT YOU ARE NOT 100% WILLING TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH!

If I can be of further help please send me a follow-up question. Thank you, Rebos.